Chapter 36 - Nadia

I needed the money from the temp agency, but it was more important in that exact moment to get away from the crippling awkwardness with Dorian. I exited the train even though I was a station too early and followed the crowd of New Yorkers up into the city, where the sun was shining nicely.
The kiss with Dorian was incredible. The kind of kiss that totally rewrites the way you see someone. One moment we were friends, and the next moment there was something deeper there. Something that had been lurking all along, waiting to manifest at the right moment.
And now I couldn’t stop thinking about the way his lips felt.
The heat of the moment, that’s what he’d called it. Like the freaking Asia song. He thought it was a mistake. Something that shouldn’t have happened, and should not happen again.
It was the opposite of what I was going to say to him. I wanted to tell him that it felt incredible, and that I didn’t care about their original proposition set-up. I liked Dorian, both as a friend and more than a friend. We had a kind of natural chemistry that developed without any expectations. I wanted to follow those feelings wherever they led.
But clearly, he didn’t.
So why did the kiss happen?
As I walked toward Central Park, I replayed the kiss in my head. I didn’t know who had kissed first. We’d been huddled together in the booth, excited and scared. And then it just sort of happened.
Was it just the circumstances of the moment? Or was it more?
When I reached the park, I turned north. I had a while to walk before I reached the meeting place with Andy, which was perfect since I had so much extra time. It would have been a chilly day but the shining sun on my cheeks warmed me up just enough to be pleasant.
The most obvious answer was that Dorian wasn’t ready. He’d opened up to me about his ex, and although he didn’t say it out loud I could tell he wasn’t over her yet. He might think jumping in with me too quickly would be a mistake.
Alternatively, maybe he was feeling guilty about claiming he just wanted to be friends. Like he had pulled a bait-and-switch with me: pretend to be a friend and then bam, move in for the kill. I knew that’s not what he had done, but he might think I felt that way. Or maybe he was uncomfortable about the whole arrangement with the other guys. Ryan was my fuck-buddy, and Andy was potentially a long-term relationship. Where did Dorian fit in? He probably thought the other guys had “dibs” on me. Another irrational thought, but one that might make him hesitate.
There was another angle I wasn’t considering. What did I want? Even though I yearned to tell Dorian that I had feelings for him, I didn’t know what I wanted. I was surrounded by guys who I had big old crushes on. What did I want long-term, and what was going to happen when The Proposition was over and we all moved on to different shows? Would our little harem house keep going?
“This whole thing is too damn complicated,” I muttered, drawing a look from a punk girl walking next to me. Robbie was right when he told me to be careful. He was going to be awfully smug when I saw him next.
I was no closer to clarity when I reached Andy in the park half an hour later. He had a checkered blanket draped across the ground and a wicker picnic basket in one corner. He was laying flat, with two pillows underneath his head and his hands crossed over his chest.
“This seat taken?” I asked as I approached.
He cracked open one eye and twisted to face me, smiling. “Sorry, ma’am. It’s reserved for a beautiful backup dancer from the hit new off-broadway show The Proposition.”
I spread out my skirts and sat next to him. “I’ll keep it warm until she arrives.”
Andy did a crunch to come up into a sitting position, then opened the picnic basket. Attached to the underside of the lid were a variety of wine-opening tools and two glasses. But the contents underneath were deli sandwiches wrapped in brown paper, a Dr. Pepper, and a Diet Coke.
“What, no bottle of wine?”
Andy’s mouth parted slightly as he stared at me. “Oh. Um. I thought that since it is noon…”
I put a hand on his chest. “I was just joking. Dorian told me about his last girlfriend and how she drank too much wine at picnics.”
“Heather,” Andy said. “Yes. The end of their relationship was sad. Dorian still isn’t over her.”
I considered that as he passed out the food. A pastrami sandwich on sourdough for me, and a club sandwich for him. He also had a plastic container with six fancy deviled eggs, topped with paprika and bacon.
We ate in silence, which was a testament to how delicious the food was. I ate half my sandwich and then wolfed down three deviled eggs, which were incredible. I could’ve eaten an entire meal just of those.
“Are you okay?” Andy asked.
“Yeah, why?”
He regarded me behind his glasses. “You seem quiet this morning.”
“Yeah, totally fine. Just hungry!” I raised the other half of my sandwich.
Andy seemed to accept that. “How was temp work this morning?”
My heart skipped a beat at the question, but there was no hint of subtext in the question. He doesn’t know we kissed. He’s just making conversation.
“We were handing out fliers in Times Square again.”
“Exhilarating,” he said with a smile.
“Actually,” I said around a mouthful of sandwich, “we did have some excitement today…”
He listened with wide eyes as I told him about our run-in with the angry street performers.
“Buskers are no joke,” Andy said. “I read a New York Times article a while back about how they can be extremely protective of their territory. Apparently they routinely make up to $500 a day performing.”
I almost spit out my food. “$500 a day? That’s like…”
“Over $100,000 per year, depending on how many days they work,” Andy said. “Nuts, right?”
“I’m in the wrong business,” I muttered. “I should come up with a performance idea and do that during the day.”
“Only if you want to fight to protect the best territory,” Andy pointed out.
“Dude, you should’ve seen me today. I was ready to wield a fork like Arya fucking Stark.”
“Stick them with the pointy end,” Andy declared. “Speaking of books, that’s what I have planned for our date today.” He reached into the outer pocket of the picnic basket and pulled out two slim black devices. “I took the liberty of grabbing your Kindle reader off the table.”
“Reading, the sexiest of dates,” I teased. Before he could look awkward, I quickly added, “I’m joking. I love it. I haven’t had a chance to sit outside and read in months!”
We stretched out next to each other, and Andy unfolded another blanket and draped it over our legs. We fell into a comfortable silence. After the activities Andy had planned for our first few dates, it was nice to just chill together today. Especially with the warm sun on my skin.
I was pleased to see that Andy had charged my Kindle—it was nearly out of battery when I was reading the other night. I opened up the book that I had started, one of the newest James Patterson novels. They weren’t the deepest books, but they were simple and fun to read here and there. The kind of book that helped me zone out.
“What are you reading?” I asked Andy.
“Dune.”
“The old sci-fi book?”
Andy was laying on his back with the Kindle held above him. He lowered it to his chest and rolled his handsome face toward me. “Yeah, it’s an old favorite of mine. I re-read it every couple of years.”
“You re-read books?” I asked.
“Sure. It’s nostalgic and comfortable. Like watching It’s A Wonderful Life every Christmas. You know the story and how it ends, but it’s fun anyways.”
“I’ve never thought of books like that,” I said. I was a one-and-done kind of girl.
I rolled onto my back and read like that for a little while. After a few chapters of my book I started getting bored. This one wasn’t holding my interest. And my mind was on too many other things.
Wisps of clouds floated across the sky high above us. This was still incredibly relaxing, even though we weren’t really doing anything. Mental recuperation time. Recharging my emotional batteries. A luxury I didn’t have when I was working several jobs and commuting into the city from Queens.
I glanced at Andy. His arm was flexed behind his back onto a pillow while the other held the eReader above him, eyes scanning rapidly. Andy was so easy to be around. That was an important part of a long-term relationship: being able to simply be together without necessarily doing anything exciting. And with him, it was working.
There was definitely something between us. A slowly-growing affection, like being courted by a handsome but respectable prince.
He caught me looking at him. “What?”
“Just admiring the sexy man I’m with.”
That easy blush touched his cheeks. “Same here.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You’re admiring the sexy man you’re with?”
“That’s not what—”
I shut him up by leaning over and kissing him. We closed our eyes and kissed softly, my tongue sliding into his mouth in a slow, wet embrace. I felt a fire in my legs as we made out with the soft bird sounds of the park all around us.
When our lips finally parted, he grinned at me. “That was nice.”
“Mmm hmm,” I hummed. I wanted to do more with Andy than just kiss. I wanted to progress our relationship to the next step. And I could tell Andy felt the same way.
And in that moment, I knew I had to tell him.
“Earlier you asked if I was okay,” I said slowly. “Well, you were right. I’m acting weird because this morning Dorian and I kissed.”
He frowned, like he hadn’t quite heard me. “What?”