19 | Baptism by Fire

**SIENNA**


When was the last time I felt this peaceful?
The way Gabriel held me tight in his arms as if he were trying to instil his inordinate strength within me was soul-stirring. His touch was electrifying even though my mind felt numb.
A myriad of thoughts raced through my head, desperately looking for reasons. When I saw the broken pendant, for a moment, I thought that the earth was split in half and sucked me into the dark centre of chaos.
“Why are you being nice to me, Gabriel?” I whispered in awe.
He shrugged a shoulder. “You deserved it.”
I closed my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder, listening to the soft heartbeats of this man. The dried tears burned my eyes a little, given I had almost forgotten what it felt like to cry.
Crying was so much better than bottling up everything inside my heart and tucking them into the far-away corner.
His hand stroked my back gently. “You went quiet again.”
“I am trying to remember the last time I had cried,” I murmured against his chest. “It’s embarrassing.”
Gabriel bundled me up on his lap, almost rocking me in his arms like I weighed nothing. “It’s normal for your age.”
I scowled at him. “Age is just a number. And what about you? When did you cry last time?”
“It’s hard to say,” he recalled with a slight smile on his lips. “Maybe five or six; I don’t know.”
I snorted and almost rolled my eyes, snapping back to my usual self. “Priest or not, men will be men.”
His left palm briskly slapped my hips, just enough to get my attention and then feigned a stern look. “What is that supposed to mean, Miss Emerson?”
I laughed effortlessly at his tone. “Oh, we are back to Miss Emerson and Father Sullivan now?”
I like ‘Gabriel’ because there was a nice ring to his name. Besides, the name sounded personal. And given the way he was holding me in his lap, comforting me, it was beyond the limits of a teacher and student. It was fucking personal on every level.
“Not necessarily. I don’t want you to be formal with me outside of school,” he said. “Now, answer my question.”
“Well, what I meant is that no one matter what, men have a tough time confessing that they can cry.” I had fooled around quite a few high school captains of the sports team to know that boys acted like jerks when it came to matters of the heart.
“I don’t know about others, but I had never felt the need,” Gabriel reminisced stiffly. “I think I was mostly angry as a kid than sad.”
His recollection pulled at me and made me even more curious. I wanted to know more about Gabriel, as the man he was before than the priest and headmaster Father Sullivan. Sitting here, on his lap, I had an inkling as though Gabriel and Father Sullivan were two different human beings.
“What was your life before…” I paused to use the right words. “You know…before black cloth and cleric’s collar?”
A shadow of darkness fell over his profile. His expression turned solemn and aloof. “It was sinful and depraved and immoral.”
I didn’t believe him, though.
“Woah. These are some heavy words. But I think you are exaggerating. But what made someone like you take the life of a priest? Don’t you miss your old life?”
I did not want to sound like a prude, but he was too young and too vibrant to be a priest.
“No. There’s nothing about my old life that I miss,” he told me in his confident tone. “The day Father Lucas showed me the way, I never looked back.”
“Then why are you unhappy?” I challenged. “You look hurt and angry, *mostly angry with yourself* than with the whole world. And a control freak too.”
He narrowed his eyes at me, but the corner of his lips was curled up in a smirk. “Careful now,” he warned. “I have given you a small leeway, but that does not mean that you can run your mouth freely.”
“Did you ever wonder if you would break your vow?”
“If I’d break my vow, I’d be a person you’d *hate*.”
It was my turn to smile. “I don’t think I can hate you.”
I don’t remember how long Gabriel held me in his hands or what this night meant for both of us, but either way, we found peace in each other.
For the first time, he did not look angry or agitated. For my part, I could momentarily forget the pain of losing the only thing I had of my mother. Gabriel helped me fix the pieces, but unfortunately, it was beyond repair. The knowledge broke me down once again, but he held in his arms the entire night.

***

At least a pair of dozen eyes trailed after me since Mass ended, and I came here for breakfast. Ignoring all of them, I grabbed the plate of food and sat in one of the empty corners of the dining hall.
I could feel judgemental gazes and hear the whispers from across the place, but I knew that if I had to survive, I would have to shut down my senses when it came to an unwarranted crowd.
Besides, my stomach was growling in hunger. Gabriel had only managed to feed me a bowl of soup since last night when I had categorically turned down dinner, and he almost force-fed me the chicken soup so I could take the medicines. So, by the time today’s Mass ended, I was famished.
Out of nowhere, a figure appeared and tugged at my wrist. “Grab your plate and let’s go,” she urged in a hurried tone.
I looked up and saw Harper. And before I could question any further, she was already trying to haul me up from the table and out of the hall.
“Where are we going?”
“Just come with me, please.”
I knew she was a girl with limited words, and getting a complete sentence out of her was a lucky thing. But she was always a soothing company.
“I don’t think we are allowed to leave the dining hall with the food,” I cautioned as she veered us left and towards an empty classroom I have never been to before. Seriously, the girl knew this place all too well.
“Oh, so you are following the rules now?”
“Not exactly,” I scowled. “I just don’t want unnecessary headaches. Bad enough that I want to strangle everyone in the room, I could not deal with the administrative staff right now. They are all assholes.”
“Not all of them,” she said and then took a banana out of her pocket and started peeling it. “But they are just following the rules of Father Sullivan. Speaking of, the girls said that you were punished for the entire night. Is it true?”
When I had not returned to the dorm room, everybody was convinced that Father Sullivan had taken the matter into his hands. He had a reputation, after all.
Hell, even I thought I was going to see the worst of him. Instead, what he has shown me has left me in awe. Apparently, Father Gabriel Sullivan has a heart. Beneath his dark clothes and iron-clad chest, there was a beating heart that cared far more than he’d ever allowed.
I pulled myself out of the memory of last night and focused on the food. “How many versions of gossips have you heard?” I asked Harper.
“The girls have their own theories.” She shrugged.
“Don’t they have anything better to do?”
“It’s not every day they get to see a fight of that level. I think it was enough for their appetite to last a month. But more than anything, they were just eager to know what had happened to you.”
I briefly glanced at her. “I was with Father Sullivan.”
“So, did he…”
I cut her off with a shake of my head. “No. In fact, he was kind to me.”
“Okay.”
When I had looked at Harper, her reaction was normal. And it baffled me. “You are not surprised?” Everybody in this school was well aware of Father Sullivan’s infamous reputation of being a disciplinarian.
But somehow, Harper felt different about him. “He is not the monster you painted him to be. He is a kind man.”
“You seem to be taken by him.”
She looked me straight in the eye and then sighed. “If you are indicating anything beyond a *teacher-student relationship*, you are going to be disappointed. He is a good man, a devout priest, and my teacher.” There was a glint of admiration in her eyes for him, and for the first time, I felt a pang of jealously. “He is also someone who has saved me from all the misfortune and humiliation and helped me get on my feet. If it wasn’t for him, then…”
“Then?” I prompted when she had gone all quiet.
Harper swallowed the thick lump in her throat and hung her head, whispering, “Then I’d have been dead.”
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