58 | Absolution

**SIENNA**

For the first time in my life, I tasted happiness. And let me tell you that it tasted nothing as I could ever imagine. To say that I was happy would be an understatement. It seeped down to the marrow of my bones and filled me with immense joy.
I was freaking intoxicated in happiness.
I did not realize that I was shaking and sobbing until Gabriel tightened his hold around my shoulder and helped me to steady myself. My legs almost felt like jelly, unable to move or carry my weight anymore.
All I saw was her face.
She was magnificent. Even in one of the dullest of rooms and with depressing machines beeping around her, my mother lit up my entire world.
Gabriel helped me hobble over to her sleeping form as I hugged her tight and cried. Endless tears streamed down my cheeks while I sobbed noiselessly until the air left my lungs and I was struggling to breathe. And through it all, he was by my side and patted my head until the hiccups receded.
My eyes were fixated on her as I whispered, “Growing up, they told me that I looked more like my mother even though I was nothing like her.” A ghosted smile crossed my lips. “She is…angelic.”
He rubbed his palm across my back. “You are special in your own way. I am sure she is proud of you.”
I could not stop the urge to snort and roll my eyes. “Please. I was a rich brat before.”
“Really?” Gabriel feigned a disbelieving look. “Hard to imagine.”
“Shut up.” I punched his arm lightly and turned to my mother.
There was a degree of calmness in her face, all serene and beautiful. And I realized how she was my biggest weakness and my biggest strength at the same time.
“I have not seen her in years, Gabriel,” I whispered, taking her hand in mine. “And to sit here, beside her, holding her hand…it’s so surreal. Thank you. Thank you so much…”
Tears filled my eyes anew. I was beyond overwhelmed with varied emotions.
“I’d do anything for you to be happy.” Gabriel stood up to leave the room before he tucked a stray hair behind my ear with a certain degree of tenderness. And then he left, leaving behind his words, “I am waiting outside.”
The door closed with a soft thud as I turned to my mother once again. “I am sorry, Mama.” I sighed. “I am sorry for all the times I gave you hell without knowing what you have been through. To remain married to that man…God, why did you never speak up?”
In the next few minutes, I spoke my heart out. I did not know if she could hear me or even feel my presence, but I needed to say the things to lighten my heart.
I needed my mother to hear me out.
A rollercoaster of emotions heaved up and down my mind as I struggled to laugh, cry and speak all at the same time. God, I was all over myself.
“I am in a Catholic all-girls school, by the way,” I told her with a laugh. “God, I hated it at first. I even plotted against that asshole sitting outside this room. He seemed to be the kind of man who had a rod up his ass, you know. But, Mama, I fell in love with that asshole.”
I held her hand tightly in mine as if to let her know that I was with her.
“I don’t care how wrong it is or how terrible it sounds to be in love with a man of the cloth,” the words came out in a whisper, “but I would not have any other man.”
“He protects me, Mama.” A smile flashed across my lips. “And I know I have your blessings.”
And then I added with a wink, “He is also an asshole, though.”
A distinct sound of a cough interrupted my monologue as I turned around to find that Gabriel was leaning against the door frame and wearing a smartass look.
“I thought you were giving me space,” I shot back.
“I thought you’d be nice to me.”
“Pfft.” Leaning into my mother, I whispered, “Told you, asshole.”
He slowly strode inside the room and placed a hand on my shoulder. “Sienna, I hate to interrupt but staying too long would be an unnecessary risk,” he spoke softly. “It’s just that…”
I cut him off with a nod. “I understand, Gabriel. I just can’t…”
“Let’s go, love.” He kissed the back of my head. “I promise she will be safe. And I will make sure that you have access to her without being exposed.”
I turned to him, surprised. “Can you do that? How?”
“It’s a long story, but I promise you will be in touch with your mother,” he vowed.
Saying goodbye to her until I saw her next was probably the toughest thing I had done, but at the same time, this was happiness I would cherish till my last breath.
And for the first time ever, I was so happy that I could die without a shred of regret in my soul.

——
**GABRIEL**

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned…” My voice cracked and choked with every word I uttered.
It would not be the first time that I was inside the box, but all the other sins I had committed did not feel as magnanimous as this one. I was burdened with the sins for months now, and if I did not confess, I could not hold myself worthy of standing at the lectern and preaching the holy words.
Love, other than the love for God, was a sign for a man of the cloth.
And I had known and accepted it a long time ago because I had never held myself capable of loving another human. I had always known that my heart was hollow and that lust would always overpower any feeling I shall hold.
Until Sienna happened.
And I had broken my vows consciously, repeatedly, and without remorse. And to sin without remorse was a crime of the highest order.
“It has been quite some time, Gabriel…” His soothing voice floated in through the lattice.
“I know. But I am ready now.”
“Ready for what?” he countered.
I took a measured pause. “To confess.”
Father Lucas did not sound surprised or alarmed, perhaps because I had confessed far too many times to him.
“You have my confidence,” he assured.
I hauled in a long breath and confessed. Unsure of where to start, I simply told him about the incidents. Truth be told, I did not know the day I had fallen for that girl. But I narrated to him of every small detail, every little act of infidelity towards God, and how recklessly and dangerously I treaded without an ounce of fear. And of all those thousand tiny sins, I had crept away from my responsibilities as a priest.
“…I know I have sinned; I have abused power, but I could not stop. I did not want to.” I had finally stopped blabbering.
I had buried my face into my hands, afraid of the loathing in his voice or the disgust in his words. No one in their right mind would forgive what I have done.
But given a choice, would I have walked away?
*No*.
“Do you love her?” Father Lucas’s voice drifted into my ears as I looked up in surprise.
“Yes, I do.”
“Is she what you need?”
I nodded, even though I knew he could not see me clearly. “She is what I desire - with all my heart and soul. But between my vows…I am torn,” I confessed.
Father Lucas took a pause, and through the wooden lattice, I could hear his steady breaths. He was calm, actually unmoved even by my confession.
“You confessed your sins, and for that, I want you to do a penance,” he said.
“I will.”
“I want you to pray, Gabriel,” he decreed, calm and composed. “I want you to connect with God for as long as you think you need until you have your answer. Do not shut Him out in your grief and pain and confusion. Remember, He is the way of life. Offer your soul and bare your heart, and you shall have your answer.”
He whispered a quiet prayer of absolution as we sat in silence. With every second, I grew a little uncomfortable.
Prayer was not my solution.
“That’s all?” I asked, baffled. “You want me to pray for my sins? To beg for absolution?”
Father Lucas shifted slightly in the dark. “No, it is not for absolution. It is for gratitude. I want you to reflect upon your life and seek the truth.”
What could a day of reflection possibly do to heal myself? “I don’t understand…”
“My boy, in case you did not realize, the Lord has already answered you. You have found your salvation after all these years, Gabriel. She is the answer you seek in every question you ask. But you’re lost at the moment. *Seek for the Lord*, and He shall ease your soul.”
It took me some time to absorb the words, but then when I did, I noted two things. One that Father Lucas knew. He knew all along that I had broken my celibate vows, and for one tiny second, I wondered why didn’t he bother to intervene, which brought me to my second revelation that he always wanted my happiness above all.