Chapter 17

**Skyler Johnson**

I take a deep breath as the last bullet hits the target and close my eyes. I never thought I would hold a gun in my hands, much less use it to get rid of frustration but here I am, standing in the middle of no where and liking the feeling of the steel between my fingers. My stomach clenches and I find myself fearing the feeling in my chest, the one of relief each time I heard the sound of the gun go of, each time I felt the impact of the bullet leaving the weapon. Who finds peace in this? Is it normal?

"Are you okay now?" Xavier asks and I shake my head. I turn to look at him and I can see the confusion in his eyes because I'm sure my shoulders are relaxed and I look a little more in control than I looked a few hours ago. I look into his eyes and stare at myself with a frown.

"Who am I?" I ask him and he gives me a questioning look. "I don't seem to dislike you as much anymore and I find myself not knowing the person in the mirror anymore. I want to slap the hell out of your mother every time she opens her mouth and I find myself wondering if I could ever just shoot someone for the hell of it." I tell him, scared that I could be turning into what I've hated all my life.

"You could never just shoot someone for the hell of it, that much I know but there is nothing wrong with discovering a different part of yourself." He says and he looks so sure about his words. Like he knows me better than I know myself and I fear that. As much as I don't want to hate him all my life, I don't want to love him either because that would mean I'm alright what everything that's happening and I can't be. Can I?

"I don't want to like you." I tell him and his face goes blank. "I can't end up liking you and then having to deal with loosing you." I say, not knowing why I told him that but I guess if we're going to spend our lives with each other I'm going to have to be hones with him.

"You'll never loose me." He says after a long pause and I wonder how much effort he had to put into forcing himself to say those words.

"You can't promise that." I tell him and hand him the empty gun. "I don't want to loose myself, Xavier. I can't." I say as our fingers brush against each other. One of the few times we've touched each other when no one was around and I hate myself for wanting more of his touch.

"Maybe you're finding yourself." He says and I look at him with wide eyes. His eyes are honest and a weight settles on my chest because I find myself believing him.

******

"You love him, don't you?" She asks and I look at her in confusion. "Xavier, you love him." She clarifies and stare at her for a while before I look back to the house in front of me.

"Do you think he's going to answer the door?" I ask and she sighs.

"No, I don't know why were even here in the first place. He clearly doesn't want to talk to you." Nat says and I frown at her.

"Harsh, much?" I ask and she shrugs. I sigh and get out of the car, leaving her there because I know she doesn't even want to be here with me right now. We're supposed to be meeting Xavier and Gabe in half an hour for cake testing and then venue locations but I've had this weird feeling that I should talk to Tristan before I do it. I don't know what I'm hoping to discover but I have this funny feeling I'm about to know in a few minutes. I ring the doorbell, hoping he answers because I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't.

"How much do..." He trails of as he fully opens the door and sees me standing in front of him. "What are you doing here?" He asks and the look on his face makes me wish I never came here but I can't back out now.

"I wanted to talk to you." I tell him, about what I'm not exactly sure.

"Well, I'm done talking to you. You made your choice." He says and I won't pretend I don't know what he's talking about. Xavier and I have been plastered on every news blog out there since I met his family.

"Tristan, please. I just want..."

"You want us to be friends?" He cuts me of and I nod my head, even though that's not what I was about to say. "Well, friends don't lie to each other. You could have told me you had a thing going on with him instead of making me look like a fool." He says and I shake my head.

"That's not even what happened." I say but he scoffs.

"That's exactly what happened. What, was I just a way to pass time until he decided he wanted you? " He asks and my heart breaks at the look in his eyes.

"You were never just a way to pass time. I didn't even want this." I tell him but I can see he's to far gone to believe anything I'm saying.

"Look, you made your choice so I hope you're happy about it. So, go be a killer or whatever and leave me out of it." He says, slamming the door in my face, leaving me to stand there in shock. I really don't know what I expected to happen but that's not it.

"What did he say?" Nat asks as I get back into the car, feeling numb to my bones.

"He doesn't want me in his life." I tell her because I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he thinks I would ever harm anyone.

"I told you it was a bad idea to come here. See, now you're all upset." She says and I shake my head.

"I'm not upset." I say and it's true. I'm shocked to my bones and maybe a little angry but I'm not upset.

"Well, you look upset to me." She says and I close my eyes, wishing she would just shut the hell up.

"Let's just get out of here." I say and start the car. She frowns at me but I ignore the questions behind her eyes and pull away from the curb. Maybe Xavier is wrong, maybe I can kill someone without thinking about it twice. I mean, if someone I've known all my life thinks I can, maybe I'm not all that innocent.