Fifty One

Chapter 51

"You went too far," Marcus's voice pierced through the already tense atmosphere, causing Jemima's head to snap towards him.

"W... What?" Jemima queried in astonishment. She could not believe what she was hearing and that too by someone she thought was hurt by the same people.

"You went too far Jem and no, it's not that I'm saying what you did was wrong but..."

"For fuck's sake Marcus I WAS RAPED BY MY FATHER!" Jemima yelled, cutting him short as tears welled up in her eyes while she stood up vehemently. Her cheeks were flushed red from exhaustion and her hair was becoming bristled from the chilly breeze that blew softly.

"Jem..." Marcus began to speak but decided against it when he saw the look of fear and vulnerability plastered across Jemima's face. It then dawned on him that Jemima never quite got the closure she deserved. She was defiled and desecrated at a young age and then thrown into the Mafia world immediately, leaving no chance to fully heal.

"What Marcus? What? I only gave them a tip of the pain I felt and now I'm the bad person? Do you know how long I've lived with this feeling that I'm unworthy of love? Do you know how dirty I feel when I look at myself in the mirror? I was raped, Marcus? I was raped by the man who was supposed to protect me? I was raped by the man who was supposed to..." Jemima broke down and fell to the ground. She could not contain the hurt anymore as she wailed loudly.

"I think you should leave, Marcus," Alan stated, glaring at Marcus. Marcus opened his mouth to protest but no words came out. He glanced at Jemima and felt terrible for what he said.

"I'm sorry Jem, I did not mean to hurt you," Marcus apologized with a softened expression. Jemima wailed uncontrollably, her eyes becoming puffy as she did so.

"For five years, I was suicidal! I felt unloved and I felt like I was just parading through earth without purpose. It's one thing to be raped by a random stranger but to be raped by someone whom I called dad? At a point it wasn't the idea of getting raped that hurt, it was the person who did the act! Fuck!!!! No matter how hard I try to fathom it, the scenario keeps replaying in my head over and over again! You'd never comprehend just how hard it is for me to live with this demon, you'd never... FUCK!" Jemima screamed in between sobs.

She could feel her heart breaking into tinier million pieces. Jemima clutched her chest, attempting to still the hurt she was feeling. She tried to still her racing heart and calm the tempest of pain and hurt that swirled within her.

"Jem..."

"Leave, Marcus!" Alan commanded simply, daring Marcus to protest. Marcus clenched his jaw in frustration before taking one final glance at Jem.

Marcus's receding steps echoed, mixing with Jemima's wails of anguish.

"I want to forget Alan! I don't want to remember! It hurts each time I remember. Please make it stop. Please make it stop!" Jemima lamented in between sobs as the tears streamed down her face.

Tears welled up in Alan's eyes as he looked at Jemima helplessly. He did not know what to do or how to pacify her and no matter how hard he tried, he was never going to understand just exactly what it was that she must have been feeling.
Alan knelt beside her and placed her head against his chest. He closed his eyes and sniffed in the vanilla scent that emitted from her hair.

They stayed in that position for a long while, neither of them saying anything as Jemima's cries mixed with the gurgling of the water from the fountain. After what seemed like hours, Jemima calmed down, leaving only her sobs as evidence of a well-deserved breakdown.

Jemima was not one to break down in front of others but her emotions had piled up for too long and she could no longer hold it in.

"Come on, let's get you inside," Alan muttered softly, picking her up from the floor. Jemima obliged silently and followed Alan's lead. The leaves rustled in the distance as the wind blew fiercely- a telltale sign that it was probably going to rain.

Once inside, Alan directed Jemima to her room. Neither of them still saying anything as their feet echoed across the house with the soles of their shoes clacking against the marbled staircase.


"Should I make you some tea?" Alan questioned as soon as they entered Jemima's room to which she answered with a shake of her head, indicating that she was not up for it.

Jemima lay on her bed, shutting her eyes momentarily as she exhaled deeply. Alan stood there, watching her intently.

"Are you just going to stand there and watch me or are you going to leave?" Jemima retorted sharply but immediately winced at her tone. She had not intended to sound rude but she felt unnerved by him just standing there and staring at me.

"Can I say something Jem?" Alan asked softly, prompting Jemima to sit up and stare at him. It was very odd for Alan to ask to say something, he was known for usually saying his mind pronto.

"Sure Alan," Jemima immediately obliged, patting the space beside her for Alan to sit.

"Whatever I say to you now, don't take it the wrong way. You don't have to put up your defenses around me. I'm with you and for you, always," Alan assured, causing Jemina to nod her head slowly as she squinted her brows in confusion.

"I don't understand Alan, what's wrong?" Jemima queried as he sat, causing the bed to dip beneath his weight.

"Why did you do what you did to your parents and Ava?" Alan asked genuinely, causing Jemima to scoff incredulously as she could not quite comprehend what he was trying to insinuate.

"What do you mean?" Jemima inquired with a raised eyebrow, folding her hands across her chest.

"I don't think what you did to them was necessary," Alan stated, deepening Jemima's confusion.

"I've spent my whole life looking for them just so I can do that to them. You even helped me search for them," Jemima exclaimed, trying to not lose her cool as she glared at Alan.

"Yes, but I thought it was to get answers from them, not to hurt them!" Alan muttered, eliciting a scoff from Jemima.

“I hurt them and I don’t regret it,” Jemima spat out defensively, shifting uncomfortably as she did not like the direction of the conversation.

“I just want you to know that hurt people hurt people,” Alan muttered, shifting closer to Jemima.

“I am hurt! They hurt me!” Jemima exclaimed, standing abruptly and walking towards the window. She observed the setting sun in the distance and birds flying freely in the sky and she wished that she could be as free as the birds that fly in the sky.

“I know Jemima!” Alan exclaimed exasperatedly. He was exhausted from having to hear her complaining about the same thing all the time.

Jemima turned to face him, shocked by his outburst. Alan stood up and took a step towards her, keeping a safe distance between them.

“You were hurt, you were defiled! I know! I’m aware! I was there, through it all, I was there! And I’ve watched you grow. I’ve watched you kick ass and look good while doing so. Okay, they hurt you and now you have hurt them back. Do you feel less hurt? Do you feel less pain? Do you feel like you’ve gotten any closure?” Alan queried, making his disdain obvious.

Jemima’s expression softened, noticing the worry etched on Alan’s face. It was then she realized that she had unconsciously transferred her burden on him, weighing him as well and that was not supposed to be so.

“Yes, what they did was wrong. They should be locked up, killed even but that’s not going to give you peace Jem! For the rest of your life you’d continue to question why they did that to you so now that you have the opportunity to do so, why not get the answers you seek before deciding their fate,” Alan suggested, closing the gap between them.

He brushed her hair soothingly, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. Alan needed her to understand that he was not against her but he also needed her to know that he’d not sit down and watch her do something uncultured.

“I love you Jem! I love you so much and I want you to know that I’ll support your decision no matter what but I won’t stand by and watch you deteriorate mentally,” Alan pointed out, rubbing her cheeks soothingly with the tip of his thumb.

“Good night,” Alan greeted one last time before making his way for the exit. But before he disappeared finally, he turned back to cast a long glance at Jemima. He noticed a tear running down her cheek but smiled softly in response.

“One last thing Jem,” Alan called out, prompting Jemima to raise her head to look at him.

“Yes, Alan?” Jemima responded, wiping off the tears with the back of her.

“If you fight with a pig, you’ll both get dirty. Meanwhile, the pig likes dirt. Think about it,” Alan advised, casting Jemima a quick wink before finally exiting her room, leaving Jemima to ponder on his words.