Chapter Twenty-Six: Lexa

Chapter Twenty-Six
~ Lexa ~

I woke up screaming, and Will ran in his arrows out, ready to fight. I looked around and realized it was a dream. There was no fire. There was no one trying to kill me. My mother was already dead. There was nothing an arrow could do.
“Lexa, what’s wrong?” Will demanded, but he was already lowering his arrow as he realized nothing was amidst.
“Dream,” I gasped, still trying to catch my breath.
I didn’t know how we were keeping our air clean when there were literally explosions happening hundreds of feet from the building, but I was grateful. The smoke had really made a mess of my lungs or perhaps it was still the last injection they had given me. But either way, I was struggling to breathe.
“Are you okay?” Will asked, sitting next to me on the bed. A real, big bed.
“Yes,” I answered as I began to be able to slow my heart rate down. “Just give me a minute.”
Will squeezed my hand and got up. Things felt weird between us since we had both gotten out of prison. I couldn’t say what, but we both were struggling with what had happened. Before we had turned to each other in trying times, now we seemed to be distancing ourselves as if there was too much pain in being anything more than co-workers.
When I finally caught my breath, I got up and decided to try the showers. I don’t think I had ever had a warm shower, but S had told me they were wonderful. And the second I stepped into one, I agreed. The warmth was something I had never experienced before. I was used to always being cold. I was used to the world being cold. But this? This was different. It made me wonder what other luxuries I had never known before. I had once loved S’s house for her dolls, but never had I appreciated it for heat.
The shower, I decided, would be my place of escape, whenever I needed to think. It seemed about the only place I could be alone. Once I had spent enough time lost in my thoughts, I got out and dried off with a clean, warm towel. Something I had never even known to dream about. It was wonderful, and I allowed my second another chance to marvel in its glory.
Finally, I put clean clothes on. Ones that we’re not covered in soot and dirt. It was strange to feel so good, and so clean. I was relaxed for the first time in what seemed like forever. It probably had been forever. Despite being mostly clean, I put on my dirty boots. They were a part of me, and I knew I would feel myself again as soon as they were on. That was mostly true.
It was nearly 2 in the morning as I headed to the area S had called the cafeteria. I remembered there had been one at school for the couple of years I had attended. To my surprise, there were multiple people up, organizing and rationing food many of us had only dreamed about. And even more surprising was the fact that S was the one leading it.
When she saw me watching, she said something to Samuel, one of the villagers who was in his mid-thirties and broke away to join me.
At first, we just stood there, unsure of what to say. Unsure of how to act. It had been a long time for us since we had been friends.
“You know,” I started after a moment of silence. “I haven’t seen most of these types of food since my mom died.” I paused. It felt weird to talk about my mom, but also a little freeing. “She used to buy a lot of these foods at the market when she worked for your parents and had an income. I never really got to eat it. It was never for us. We only ate what the forest could provide. But she’d buy this stuff for our people with whatever money she could. We’d save it all year for winter and hope it would be a nice supplement during the hard months. She would shop literally to feed a whole village on a single salary. It still blows my mind to this day.”
S looked at me in surprise, but still didn’t speak, so I continued.
“She once saved for a cow. It provided the village with dairy. And it was a pregnant cow no less. It was wonderful. But then, one winter was really bad. The year she died, we didn’t know how to hunt well yet. I mean, we were just kids. We didn’t have much food, and a lot of people were on the verge of starving. It wasn’t like we could just go shopping at the market. So, we killed it. Grey and I did. Will and Jax, well they couldn’t bear the thought. The cow was their friend. It was my friend too, but I was living with a bunch of boys. I would have been teased to death if I acted weak. So, I went out with Grey, and we killed the poor girl and her calf. It was terrible. I never got close to a pet again. And the boys brought in their fair share of animals.”
S was quiet still, and I was afraid I had just scared her off with my talk of killing pets and being sad and shit. It was probably the wrong move when trying to make friends, but I was way out of practice. I only really needed business usually.
“I remember my mom used to cook this kind of stuff all the time,” S finally spoke. “She could cook anything. We never even really went to the market. People would bring us stuff they caught or canned. She was an excellent cook. She always loved cooking with your mom, E. Your mom made it fun and exciting for just a housewife. My mom changed after your mom was killed. She stopped singing in the kitchen when she cooked. She stopped laughing at the dinner table. I think a part of her died that day too. I was too busy trying to be my dad’s right hand to really notice. But I think she lost herself a little more over the years. And eventually, she stopped cooking altogether. And when she did cook, it was always burnt. I don’t know what happened, but I think she realized she was losing her family. My dad wasn’t someone either of us knew anymore. And she became someone neither of us knew either.” She paused; I could tell she was sad. “Sometimes, I wonder what happened to her after I left. I’m sure she just continued serving Dad as if he is someone she knows. But I don’t think she knows him anymore, and that has to be lonely.”
I gave her a slight smile. Our pasts weren’t really that different. They were both kind of lonely. I at least had the boys who I knew loved me, but to not feel love like S must have been hard. She may have had basic luxuries, but she didn’t have a whole lot of love.
“We both had to grow up a little fast, huh?” I said finally.
“Yea,” She let out a small chuckle. “Yea, I guess we did.”
“Did you get any sleep yet, S?” I asked after we were both silent for a moment.
“No.” She answered, looking surprised at the question.
“Go get some sleep, S. I’ll take over here.”
“Are you sure?” She asked.
“Yea, Will’s on guard right now, I wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway.” I lied.
Will was on guard, but that wasn’t the reason I couldn’t sleep. That was a whole different problem, and I wasn’t ready to divulge that information just quite yet.