Chapter Thirty: Lexa

Chapter Thirty
~ Lexa ~

“Lexa?” It was Jax who opened the door this time.
I had thought Will would come after me, but the feeling in my stomach said maybe he would never follow me again. Maybe no one should.
“Yea?” I called out, trying to keep my voice even.
“Are you okay?” He asked as he sat down on the bench next to me.
“I’m great. Never better.” I answered, but even I could hear the slight shrill in my voice.
“Oh, so you’re not mad at Grey?” Jax probed.
“No.” I replied as I tied my shoe.
“It’s okay if you are,” He tried again. “I might be if I was in your shoes.”
“I’m not mad at Grey.” I stated as I stood up.
“Then who are you mad at?” He asked when I started to walk away.
“I’m not mad.” I tried to tell him, but there was obviously frustration in my voice.
“You are too. I know you, Lex, and I know when you're mad. You can’t be a leader if you're mad.”
“I have to go find those kids,” I told him, ignoring his statement.
“They’ve already been found.” He answered with a slight smile. “Aspen had a brilliant idea, and it worked and they’re back and safe.”
“Oh.” Was all I could say. “Uh, good for Aspen. I’m going for a run.”
“Weren’t you told no more for the day?”
I turned toward him. “Fuck Grey. I can do what I want.” I snapped. “How did you even know about that?”
“I hear things.” Jax answered simply with a casual shrug.
“I need to run.”
The panic inside me was growing. Visions of the cell I had been kept in flashed through my head. I could nearly feel a hand on my throat again and the cuffs on my wrists. I touched my wrist to remind myself I was okay.
I didn’t stop till I got to the gym. I passed plenty of people who tried to get my attention. The world needed my attention. But I couldn’t focus. I had to run.
It wasn’t till the gym door shut, and Jax locked it behind me, did I realize that Grey was in here too. I was about to lose it, and I realized Jax had decided since he couldn’t get me to talk, he would lock me and Grey together till I talked.
I pushed the idea out of my head and started to run suicides again. It wasn’t until after my first 3 did Grey even realize he wasn’t alone anymore.
“What the hell do you think you're doing?” Grey demanded.
I shook my head, but didn’t give an answer. I couldn’t. Injections. Pain. Darkness. Clouded my mind as if I was back in hell. So, I pushed myself harder. Anything to block it out.
“I’m talking to you, Lexa.”
Grey still sounded so angry. I didn’t blame him. I would be angry too. But I couldn’t talk to him. Not yet. Not till I could block it out.
“Lexa!” He shouted.
I felt so out of control. Normally, running helped, but it wasn’t. It was gnawing on my sanity.
“Not yet.” I bit out breathlessly.
This time he looked confused as I sprinted back to the baseline.
“Not yet?”
“Not yet.” I replied again.
He didn’t understand. He couldn’t. He didn’t have chains on his wrist. I didn’t either, I reminded myself.
He went back to his punching bag, and I continued running until I physically couldn’t anymore. I stopped and let myself gasp for air as the thoughts that had overwhelmed me were now buried where they belonged again. Though my lungs still burned as a reminder of all they had done to me.
Grey walked over slowly and handed me a bottle of water. A luxury we had never had before. For a second, I thought he wasn’t angry anymore, but that was quickly proven wrong.
“What the hell was that?” He interrogated.
I fought hard not to let the yelling take me back to the place I had just gotten out of.
“Nothing.” I replied, starting to catch my breath for the first time since the argument downstairs.
“I don’t get it, Lex.” He stated in frustration. “I don’t get what’s gotten into you. You can’t run for 8 hours a day. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. And you can’t drag Will into this downhill spiral you're in.”
I felt like I had been punched in the gut. Will was in a downhill spiral, but it wasn’t because of me. We were both trying to survive the only way we knew how. And that was to train. That was to work hard. That was to be the hero. We lived our whole lives trying to be heroes. And we didn’t know how to be anything different.
I didn’t respond. I didn’t think I could. Instead of feeling like Lexa, the girl who always had a plan. I felt like Lexa, the girl who let everyone down.
“What did I say?” Grey grabbed my arm as I turned away from him. “Lexa, you can’t shut me out. I can’t help you if you shut me out.”
I shook my head. I felt the incredible need to run again. But this time, away from everything. I didn’t want to be a leader. I didn’t want to be responsible. I shouldn’t be. He was right.
“Lexa, you can’t be in charge, if you are going to be this reckless.” Grey mirrored my own thoughts as he was trying to push my buttons. He was trying to get me to yell at him. So we could work it out.
But I wasn’t mad at Grey. I had been honest with Jax about that. I was mad at myself.
“Then put S in charge.” I replied.
Then I pulled what energy I could out of the air and destroyed the door. A lock was a good effort by Jax. But hadn’t everyone learned, I couldn’t be kept in a cage?