Chapter Thirty-Two: Lexa

Chapter Thirty-two
~ Lexa ~
I couldn’t sleep after my conversation with S. I knew her goal was to push us all together. I had no doubt that she had made her rounds to the others already. She was right. We were acting like children. We practically were children. No matter how much we pretended, we had no clue what we were doing.
There was a knock at my door and I whirled my chair to see who it was.
“Hey,” It was Jax, and my heart sank.
“Hey,” I replied, feeling a little self-conscious about how I had acted earlier.
“It’s your shift.” He told me, “But if you're tired, I can wake Grey.”
“No,” I said as I pushed myself away from the desk. “I’m fine.”
“Did you get any sleep?” Jax questioned carefully.
“What can I say that won’t have you yell at me?” I tried to kid.
“You know I don’t yell.” Jax answered seriously.
“I know,” I sighed. “About earlier, I’m sorry. I’ll try harder.”
Jax held his hand up to stop me from rambling.
“Lexa, I don’t want you to try harder, I want you to be okay. And when you’re not okay, I want you to be honest with us.”
I nodded and swallowed the lump in my throat. It was going to be hard to be honest with them when I didn’t even know or understand how I was feeling.
“It’s going to be fine kiddo.” Jax pulled me in for a little hug. “Wake me if you need anything.”
I nodded. For some reason that I didn’t understand, Jax was going to let me stay up all night. Maybe that meant that I was the most sane out of everyone, and I really hoped not because I was not in a good place.
“Will,” I called out in surprise when I reached the bottom of the stairs and saw him perched on the windowsill. “What are you doing up? You were supposed to be in bed hours ago.”
He looked at me in surprise, his eyes dark with fatigue and sadness.
“Supposed to?”
“Okay, you know what I mean,” I said as I hoisted myself up to join him. “You usually go to sleep the earliest.”
He was silent for a moment, as if to choose his words carefully.
“Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I’m back there. It feels so real. Like I can feel their greedy hands on me.”
He was watching me closely, seeing if I could handle it. Of course I could.
“Me too.” I reached for his hand and rubbed it with my thumb.
“Are you okay?” He asked.
I could lie to anyone... Except Will.
“Sometimes, when I’m awake, I see things like I’m back there. I feel the injections and the pain. I start to lose reality. It’s like I can’t breathe. And I can’t focus, and I just lose it. Running helps. Our workouts help. They keep me grounded.”
“That’s why I did it with you.” Will confided. “It helped my brain slow down.”
“We’re both just messes, aren’t we?” I let out a small laugh as I wiped a tear off my cheek.
Will climbed over me until he was practically laying on top of me, his face just inches from mine.
“Only one of us is a mess and it is not you, Lexa,” He whispered as he lowered his lips toward mine.
It was a slow kiss at first. The kind you kind of long for after being a part for a long time. But then they got more desperate as his hands combed through my hair. We wanted more. We needed more. But more wasn’t an option. It never had been. Not for us, and not for the life we lived.
“Will,” I whispered when my desire for more was starting to win.
“Hm?” He kissed my neck as he knew that was my weak spot.
“We have to stop. We’re in the lobby.” I told him, suddenly realizing exactly where we were.
“No one’s awake,” He replied, his kisses more intense. “But we can go upstairs. And close the door, and no one will bother us.”
I melted slightly at the thought, and against my better judgment, I agreed, and let him lead me up the stairs to be truly alone.


I don’t know what I expected, but I couldn’t help but smile when I saw Will’s face inches from mine when I awoke in the morning. He was still out, and for the first time in a while, I’d slept without nightmares.
I moved carefully out from under his arm, not wanting to wake him, but needing to get back on duty before Jax or Grey found out I had played hokey, and even worse, that I had had sex instead of guarding our fortress.
I pulled on a pair of leggings and threw on the only clean shirt that I had before moving out the door. The sun wasn’t up yet, so the last thing I expected was to find Jax on the windowsill that I had been perched on last night with Will.
“Jax?” I called out.
“Hm?” He responded sleepily.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m guarding like Will asked me to. Though that was much longer than I anticipated. Where is Will? He told me he’d come back after you two made up, but when I came back to the lobby after making the rounds, you guys were gone.”
I narrowed my eyes and glared. “It was a set-up?”
Jax shrugged the way he always did.
“Did it work? Where’s Will?”
“He’s asleep.” I replied. “But I’ll relieve you. I’m good.”
He looked at me curiously.
“Are you sure? You look a little tired still.”
I let a small smile slip.
“I actually slept great,” I answered, but it had only been a few hours. We had gone to bed late, and it was still early.
“Okay.” Jax shook his head at me. “I’m too tired to argue. I don’t know how you do this all the time.”
I didn’t say anything, I just moved to the kitchen to start breakfast, which is when I noticed the dishes weren’t done.
I sighed and started them. It was lonely sometimes when the guys weren’t up. It felt like it had been a long time since I had been alone. But the reality was it was most nights during my shift. I scrubbed the dishes a little harder, pushing how it reminded me of the white padded room away.
“Lexa.” It was Grey. He was fully dressed in a pair of wash-out jeans and a button up pale pink shirt. “What are you doing up?”
“Jax took first shift,” I told him before he could yell at me.
“Go back to bed.” He all but demanded. “You look tired.”
“I actually slept great,” I responded, turning to face him for the first time.
He looked at me closely before shaking his head. “You look happy,” He commented as if to be an insult.
I let my smile grow this time.
“I am.”
“Happiness looks good on you.” He stated.
I nodded unsure what to do with this information at first.
“You too, Grey,” I stated when I realized he looked different.
“Come on, I’ll help you with these dishes, then we’ll make a special breakfast for everyone.”
I nodded and moved over so we could do it together. As a team. Like we were supposed to be. Our fight was forgotten and we casually just talked as we did our work like we had a thousand times before.
“If you could go anywhere, where would you go?” He asked.
“That’s an odd question,” I responded uncertainly. “I guess it would depend.”
“On what?” He asked, his breath seemingly catching in his throat.
“If I left with our people or by myself,” I told him. “If I went with everyone, I suppose I’d try to just find some place no one could touch us. I’d want to be a refuge for anyone who was gifted and have a place that could just run like a normal civilization. Somewhere we could start new.”
“And if you didn’t have them to go with?” Grey questioned, looking uneasy.
“I’d go to Etha,” I stated with a confidence that surprised him.
“Etha?” He frowned. “They have the strictest gifted laws in the world. Any crime will get you taken off the streets.”
“Yea,” I whispered, feeling uncertain about sharing again.
I had been one to keep secrets from Grey, however the more I was around him lately, the more under scrutiny I felt. Like there wasn’t a thing I could say that wouldn’t get me into trouble. And it wasn’t his fault. The problem was clearly me. I just wish it wasn’t.
“Don’t go to Etha,” He said after a moment. “Ever. We need you here. To restart.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I gave him a small smile feeling content with how things were, but knowing full well that everything was about to change. And I wondered what my role would be once they did. Or if I’d even have one. Maybe I didn’t deserve one. But in that moment, the job was mine, and I was determined to not make a total mess of everyone else’s lives but my own.