Chapter Thirty-Eight: Lexa

Chapter Thirty-Eight
~ Lexa ~
S stormed out but the rest of the gang moved out a little slower. Grey ran out after S, but not before shooting me a glare. And Jax came over and kissed my forehead and muttered something about he was glad I was home. And Will tried to move closer and cuddle, but I told him that he was the last person I wanted to see right now. He kept asking what happened, what happened, and I couldn’t tell him. He didn’t know what he did. But I did. I did. And I was never going to forgive him.

So, after everyone finally left my room, I found myself sitting in the lobby on the windowsill, taking first watch like I had done every night before I had left. I was exhausted. But I needed a plan to present to everyone with the information I had. Should we stay and defend our fortress? Or should we flee? How could we win this war? I had been fighting it my whole life, and I was no closer than when I started.
It was well after 3 am when Grey finally stumbled out into the lobby.
He shot me a glare, but I ignored it and continued to stare out the window. Whatever he was about to say I knew it wasn’t going to be nice.
“Are you first or second shift?” He grumbled when he got close enough.
“Go back to bed, Grey.” I responded feeling irritated. “I just took over.”
It was a lie. I had never woken up Will. I couldn’t bear to go near his room. I didn’t want to know who else was in there.
He almost believed me, but then he looked at me for the first time since I had come back.
“Sometimes, I don’t get you, Lexa.” He commented after a moment, sitting down at the open spot by my feet.
I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to talk at all. So, he continued.
“You yell at Aspen for being reckless, but what about you? You can’t just run off like that. You don’t just run off like that. You’ve never just run off like that actually.”
I looked at him as he seemed to be processing my actions but continued to just let him talk.
“Something else must have happened… What happened, Lex?” His voice was soft, as soft as Grey can ever go.
“Why was S past the line?” I asked, not answering.
“You guys weren’t traveling together?” Grey asked in surprise.
“No. I thought she was safe here with you guys running things. And then as I was moving through the forest, I saw she was being chased.”
It was a bit of a stretch. We were still too close to the city, but they didn’t need to know that.
Grey bent his head down and ran his hand through his hair in frustration.
“She wants to leave, Lex. And if she goes, I’m going with her.”
I looked at him in surprise.
“What?”
“I can’t handle this anymore.” Grey responded. “I need stability. And I think Aspen is the answer.”
I couldn’t help but give him a small smile. “Why do you think I left?” I asked. “Because the pressure was too much. Because Will wasn’t who I thought he was. Because S clearly knows better than me. Because they did something to me when I was in prison, and I have no idea how to make it stop. I don’t know how to make any single thing in my head stop, Grey. I can’t stop.”
He looked at me with genuine concern for the first time in a while. Our new lives with electricity and beds and hot water were great. To us, nothing could be better than this to the couple hundred people who were in our care. But luxury could not and did not erase the trauma that had filled our lives for so long.
Grey didn’t speak for a few moments, processing all that had spilled out with a lack of my control.
“Lex, I don’t know what you're talking about actually. Like any of it. Are you jealous of Aspen? What do you mean Will isn’t who you thought he was? What did they do to you while you were there? You never told us. We only know what Aspen saw.”
Instead of feeling better, I felt interrogated. I felt invalidated. I felt confused and hurt, and like no one could hear me screaming.
“I have to go do another round.” I stated tiredly and feeling defeated. as I stood up.
“Lex, what did I say?” Grey called after me.
But I just waved him off. He was right. They had no idea what was going on in my head. Will might have had some idea, but I didn’t see him stopping me now. Self-destruction was the only game I was good at anymore.
“You need to fix things with Aspen!” He tried again.
But he didn’t need a response. He was right. I needed to give Aspen my plan before it was too late. Who knew what would happen if she didn’t know?
So, after making a loop I moved to her room, hoping Grey would stay by the window and keep watch.
“S?” I called out softly as I opened the door.
She didn’t answer, so I tried again.
“S?”
“Hmm?” She mumbled sleepily.
I moved and crawled into the bed with her, pulling the blanket up to block the chill of the night air.
“We need to talk,” I told her after I was comfy.
“Do you crawl into bed with everyone you need to talk to?” She huffed, moving away from me.
The comment made me smile because the answer was simply, yes. The only people I had ever really talked to had lived in my home, and I had never not shared a bed with any of them till recently.
“Look, we need to talk about tomorrow.” I told her.
“What about it?” She narrowed her sleepy eyes at me.
“They’re coming to kill us.” I answered as if I was a little kid. “And from what I can tell, it’s been hasty decision making. In the city, they’ve been telling people that the folks in the woods are purposely getting people sick. They’ve turned a lot of people against us. But I found someone who might help us.”
She turned and looked at me curiously.
“Who?”
“Grey and Gracie’s mom.”
“Wait what?” She now pushed herself up onto her forearms.
“Yea, she saw me at the market. She said she knew me because she knew my mother.”
“How do you know it’s not a trap? I mean, there’s a kill order on your head and the boys and everyone in this place...” She sounded uneasy, as she should be.
“That’s why I need you.” I told her. “The boys don’t know this yet. But I have a plan that might buy us some time. And maybe give us our freedom.”
“Well, what is it?”
“I met Grey and Gracie’s Mom at the market.” I started. “And I asked her to help. To spread the word about what was happening to the sick. The poor conditions. The lies. I want them all to come out. And maybe some know already. But I’d like to think that most are just ignorant. Going along with what they’ve been told their entire lives. And I think somehow, we need to show them who we are in some mass way. But we have to be fast about it. We’re out of time.”
S stared at me, her mouth opening and closing, and I rolled out of the bed.
“I just thought maybe by meeting time, you could come up with a way to make it happen and help Jax. You know more about technology than any of us.” I paused, halfway out of the room. “And S? I don’t know what you were doing out there. If I had known, I would have tried to find you sooner. You belong here. Leading. And you know it. So don’t let me or anyone else get in your way. I should have never talked to you like that.” I paused again. “It’s not an excuse, but when you feel responsible for this many people, it’s sometimes hard to share that with other people who might know better or differently. And despite what you all think, I only ever take calculated risks. I always have a plan. But that doesn’t mean other people don’t either. I mean, do you get what I’m saying? I’m just rambling, I think. Anyways, I’m sorry.”
I closed her door gently and moved slowly down the hall. My body was sore. I had no idea if any of piece of my plan would be even slightly plausible. But it was no good obsessing about it.
I walked back to the lobby and saw that Grey had fallen back asleep at the window, despite being on watch. So, I grabbed a chair and moved to sit just outside the door behind the illusion. Just in case.
Around 7 am, Santana relieved me. I grabbed a plate of breakfast, and walked to the office that I knew the four of us would meet in shortly and to my surprise, S was already there.
She waved her hand, but no words came out, so I figured I was not forgiven, but took that she was still here a good sign.
Slowly, the rest of the crew trickled in, first Jax, then Grey, and lastly Will stumbled in, still looking half asleep. And I wondered who he had been up with all night.
I wasted no time. I handed out the drawings I had made showing how to defend ourselves and our best strategies and positions. I knew everyone’s talents. I had been training with everyone here since we were kids. And my heart clenched at the position we were about to put our kids in.
“Lex, you look terrible…” Will stated softly when I handed him his paper. “Did you sleep?”
“Not now, Will,” Was all I said and proceeded to fill them in on what I had talked to S about in the night except I didn’t bring up Grey’s mom.
“S, have you come up with a plan yet?” I asked after explaining my thoughts.
“Kinda,” she replied. “But I’m still working on it.”
“How do you know all of this?” Jax asked, looking from S to me.
“I was in the city at the market.” I replied casually. “It’s the best place to hear gossip.”
“You went to the Market?!” Will cried out. “Are you fucking kidding me?!”
“No. It’s the best place for gossip and I needed information.”
“So, you run off because we have a fight and the first thing you do is go to the most dangerous place you can think of? Do you even have a brain, Lexa?”
I looked up from my papers slowly and calmly, but even S winced at his comment.
“Okay.” I said as calmly as I could. There was honestly nothing but calm coursing through me, but it was the calm before the storm. “You don’t want my help? Fine by me.”
I gathered my papers and moved to exit the room.
“What? So, you're just going to run again because things are hard?” Will called out.
I turned and looked at him calmly as I could, but my heart was racing. I wasn’t running because things were hard. I was running because of him.
“I’m sorry, I don’t have a brain. I shouldn’t be here.” I retaliated. “I’m just proving to you that I ‘can’t handle this’. Isn’t that what you said, William? That I’m too reckless and that S would be better off in charge? Don’t you think that? Don’t you all fucking think that?”

“I- I didn’t, that’s not what I meant, Lex…” Will stuttered and I felt for the first time in a long time tears threaten to fall.
“No. I’m not doing this now, William.”
“Since when do you call me William?” His voice was raw with emotion, causing my heart to break even more.
“Since you decided to sleep with someone else after sleeping with me.” I stated angrily.
His face turned pale, and the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife, and I walked out and headed to the only place I felt the slightest bit in control of my life, the gym.