CHAPTER 90

It was over three months already and in that time, Shana had said not more than a handful of words to him.
It was beginning to seem as if the harder he tried to speak to her, the harder she tried to block him out.
For him, it had been three months of a different kind of hell but thank the goddess for the little bundle of joy in his arms who had been sent to see him through.
Like she knew his thoughts, his little daughter cooed and smiled up at him, easing the troubled look on his face. He smiled back and she laughed, as if to say she knew she had him wrapped around her little finger.
"Certainly dove, you've got the whole of me starstruck," he said planting a kiss on her chubby cheeks and that set off her cooing.
"You little talkative," he said smiling.
He couldn't get over her, from the moment she had rushed out screaming at the world till now, he still couldn't believe how lucky he was. He had taken one look at her wrinkly skin and face reddened from all her screaming and he had fallen in love all over with another girl.
"Thank you," he had said beaming to Shana after the delivery.
She had looked him square in the eyes and said, "She's not yours. She belongs to one of my lovers. I'm a whore, remember?"
He had understood that she wanted to hurt him in the meanest way possible and he deserved it. Her words had hurt and stabbed him but he deserved it. "I'm sorry."
He said the words but they could barely cover for almost a year of abandonment.
It had been a struggle to get her back to their home. She had resisted him every step of the way and given every excuse known to man but Quinn and his parents had been on his side. And with their help, she had been persuaded and threatened until she gave in.
But now, he was beginning to question his decision. He had believed having her in close quarters where he could lavish her with his attention and remorse would soften her towards him but it seemed it was having the exact opposite effect.
The only words she had said directly to him since she got back was "Where's Rose?"
"She's dead," he had replied bluntly. There had been no way to soften the blow. But to torment himself further, he had felt the need to confess to her how he had believed she killed Rose and why he had stalled coming to rescue her. He had told her everything without leaving the tiniest bit out and to his shame, he had watched the hurt creep into her eyes and he could almost see the walls around her heart being reinforced against him but she had said nothing to him.
"I'm sorry Shana. I know it'll be selfish of me to ask you to forgive me but I'm asking nonetheless. I've hurt you and...."
She had walked out on him before he finished and she had done that repeatedly for the past three month whenever he tried to talk to her. She avoided him like the plague and she did everything she could to lock him out whenever he tried to communicate through their bond.
Her heart had gone cold and it was all his fault.
He felt her presence at the door of the nursery even before she opened the door and walked in.
When she saw him there, she took one look and turned on her heels.
Enough!
Without a second thought, he gently placed a sleeping Rose-Shana had insisted on the name- back in her cot and raced after her.
"Shana! Shana, stop!"
He continued to run after her as she picked up speed, racing towards her bedroom.
Shana almost made it in and would have succeeded in slamming the door in his face but Asher stopped the door with his foot and grabbed the door handle.
She looked at him mutinously, trying to push his foot out of the way to slam the door. But she knew it was a losing battle. She was no match for his strength.
Asher watched her surrender and he let himself into the room and closed the door.
"Shana..."
"I don't want to talk to you. Not now, not ever," she said moving to the far edge of the room, away from him.
"Shana, I'm sorry. I know I've hurt you...."
"You do? And here I was thinking it was all in my head!," she said with her eyes blazing fire at him.
"Shana, I can explain."
"I don't want to listen to you make excuses. Do you know how I felt, waiting there in the dark and hoping you would come for me, knowing you would come but you never did? You didn't hesitate to cast me off like a piece of thrash, Asher," Shana said with tears rolling down her cheeks. "I kept hoping and praying, scared for myself and my baby. But alas, what did I get? You telling me to stay away from you and threatening me if I ever showed myself to you again. And all the while, you had the audacity to believe I'll ever hurt Rose? You call that hurting me? It was way more than that you idiot. You shamed me, you risked my life based on your ego and you abandoned me when I needed you most. I was all alone and scared, freaking scared!"
He watched her break into heart-wrenching sobs but he couldn't bring himself to go to her to console her. He couldn't bare to see her recoil from him like she had done countless times. Instead, he clenched his fists at his sides at a loss of what to do.
"I was also scared," he started gently. "We were so happy and it felt too good to be true. Nothing that good was ever meant to be mine because I never thought I deserved it. So when I found out you were keeping the truth about yourself from me, it just confirmed all I believed. It wasn't just about you being a Crier, it was never that. I would love you if you were the devil himself, I could never stop loving you. I just never believed what we had could be real. I believed something had to give."
"So it was ok to call me names and believe the worst about me just because of your mother issues?"
He winced at the words but Shana didn't regret saying them. She wanted to hurt him so bad but she also couldn't deny she hated seeing him hurt.
"You are right and I would never forgive myself for throwing it all away. I don't deserve your forgiveness but I'm selfish and I want it."
She turned away from him and without thinking, Asher rushed to her and knelt at her feet, grabbing hold of her legs as she started to move away from him. He bent his head to rest on her legs, not letting go despite her struggles.
"Please Shana, I want my mate back, I want the life we had before I messed it all up. I'm begging for just one more chance to prove to you how much I love you," he said, crying brokenly.
He would do anything, even crawl on hot coals if it would melt her heart towards him.
"Please, please," he kept repeating for what seemed like hours but it was mere minutes. Still, Shana said nothing to him. She had stopped struggling and simply gone still in his arms.
Finally, Asher accepted the glaring truth- he had lost her. He would never have the happiness he had willingly thrown away and he would never forgive himself for it.
"I understand you," he said as he let go of her legs and without another word, he turned away to finally let her have peace.
As he stood up, Shana saw his bleary eyes and the betraying tracks of tears. She felt her heart rending in two.
Living with him and avoiding him for the past months had been a battle she knew was lost but she had resisted him nonetheless. And in resisting him, she had denied herself his touch, his love and everything he had to offer.
But how she had hurt in those times he had not been there for her. A first, she had felt a need to hurt him back, make him feel a quarter of what she had felt but in doing so, she hurt herself more.
She hated the dead look in his eyes, like he had lost everything. She hated the shadow he had become, a shadow of the man she had loved.
But still, she hadn't given in to the love he was offering. She had not wanted to appear weak, she had not wanted him to think she would come running whenever he bid her. And to what avail? Both of them were hurting and dying slowly inside.
But what she could not stomach was the sight of his tears and the look in his eyes as he stood before her. She was a coward for letting this go on for as long as it did.
She realized she had forgiven him long ago, even before he asked for her forgiveness and she couldn't hold back from telling him a moment longer.
"I forgive you," Shana spoke to him through their bond. He didn't stop so she assumed he didn't hear her.
"I love you," she tried again, her throat clogging up.
Then he stopped and practically raced back to her, wrapping her in his arms and lifting her off the floor.
"I love you too," Asher sobbed the words.
"I love you, I've never stopped loving you," Shana said as she peppered his face with kisses.