Chapter 21

Gina

“You stupid cow. How could you embarrass me like that in front of all my work colleagues?” my father shouted, slapping my mother. They had no idea I was hiding in the wardrobe in the living room. Sometimes I liked reading in the dark, holding my flashlight over the text. Mum didn’t like it, but she let me do it when Dad wasn’t home. She must have forgotten that I was here now, watching them. I must have lost track of time, and I was too scared to leave now.
She cried, grabbing her cheek. I couldn’t believe my father had hit her. I’d seen him shout at her, but he had never physically hurt her.
“I didn’t embarrass you, I talked about our family. Hilary’s husband asked me to—”
“I don’t give a damn what he asked about. I am the only one providing for this family. Your job is to keep the kids alive, that’s all. That life when you did what you wanted was over when you married me, Melanie.”
I placed my hands over my ears and pressed them hard, trying to block the screams. These days Dad was angry all the time and he was always shouting at Mum. I didn’t understand what was going on.
“Stop it, you can’t treat me like this,” she said, standing up to him. “I want to do more. I feel isolated being at home all the time.”
“Too bad, because that ain’t happening. You have always been beneath me. I set the rules in this house!”
“You don’t know what you’re saying. I should go out to work,” Mum argued. “There is nothing wrong with that. A lot of women work around small kids. My mum has offered to help out, too. She said that it was a good idea.”
“What? You told your mother, you stupid woman?” my father growled. He grabbed her hands and started shaking her. “You embarrassed me again! I’m the head of this family, and I decide whether you should be working or not.”
I peered through the space between the doors again. Mum was shaking her head, tears streaming down her cheeks.
“Ralph, please don’t do this. Don’t shout at me at home like this. Gina is upstairs and she may hear you.”
“Too late. Now your mother knows that I don’t provide for the family. You shouldn’t have said anything to her. I have been clear from the start. You stay at home and look after the kids. Your career, that’s the past.”

“What are you thinking about?” Harry asked, pulling me back to the present. “You have been very quiet since we left the farm.” I normally didn’t zone out like that, but this memory from my past suddenly struck back. Sometimes it was difficult to believe that my father was such a bastard. No one apart from me remembered the way he used to treat my mother. The others were too young.
We’d left the farm an hour ago. Both men were back in the living room when I returned from wandering around the farm. They had no idea I’d overheard their conversation. For some reason after that, the memories from my childhood resurfaced. My parents were long dead, but I always knew that Mum had sacrificed her career for us. That day, she must have had enough, so she confronted my father. He obviously didn’t take it well.
He had never respected her as a woman. Maybe in the beginning they loved each other, but I never saw it.
“Nothing, nothing important,” I said, knowing I had to tell him that I heard him earlier on. There was no point pretending that everything was perfect between us. Fred had asked Harry to sell the farm. They talked about it later when I was with them. This made sense. Fred was struggling to maintain it. He couldn’t move the way he used to. “Listen, Harry, I have to tell you something.”
“What is it?”
“I overheard your conversation with Fred in the study. I was wandering around the property, the window was open,” I explained, not really sure how he was going to react.
We’d both pretended that we didn’t need to talk about his nightmares, but it was a mistake.
He took a sharp breath and tightened his grip on the steering wheel. We didn’t need to ruin what we had, but Harry needed to address his issues. We were partners now, and I didn’t care what he thought.
“What did you hear?” he asked after a long moment of silence. I didn’t want to bring Crystal into this right now. This was a separate issue.
“Your uncle said you were suffering from PTSD,” I said. “I know that this isn’t my business, but I want to help you. I should have figured it out sooner.”
He was staring at the road ahead, but his breathing changed. I would have found out eventually, so maybe it was better that I knew now.
“This shouldn’t concern you. I’m fine, I have been doing great since I started seeing you,” he said, sounding annoyed. “That nightmare, it was a one off. You accepted my apology, Gina. Just forget about what you heard.”
“That’s not the point, Harry, and you know it. You have to talk to me. The past few weeks have been amazing. You called me your—”
“It doesn’t matter what I said earlier. This ends now,” he cut me off.
“This isn’t right, and you know it. We both know we have something special going on here,” I insisted.
“Yes, the sex was special, but you said yourself that we weren’t a couple,” he snapped, and I looked at him wondering what the hell had gotten into him. “I shouldn’t have brought you to meet my uncle. Maybe it was too much. I’m sorry.”
I laughed, shaking my head and knowing he didn’t mean what he said. Part of me knew he was right. I had been scared to commit to him, but then we started spending so much time together that I stopped thinking about it.
“What’s so funny?” he asked.
“You are unbelievable. An hour ago, you introduced me to your uncle as your girlfriend. Now you’re ending this…whatever this is. I’m sorry, but you’re a coward,” I said, angry that we were even having this kind of conversation. We should have discussed it much sooner. Now it was too late. He was shutting himself down again. “You are doing the same thing you did to that ex-girlfriend of yours.”
He pulled to the side and then killed the engine. We were back in the city, probably a few miles away from my office. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought his ex into this, but he was so frustrating. We were a couple and we had to be honest with each other.
“Don’t you dare bring Louisa into this,” he said, breathing hard. “My past doesn’t matter. You know enough and you should accept it. Don’t push it, Gina.”
This wasn’t the answer that I wanted to hear. Of course his past mattered. He had to talk about it. It sounded like he had been avoiding it for years. I couldn’t just accept it and move past it.
“In that case, we have nothing else to talk about. You will always suffer if you refuse to accept that you need help,” I said, knowing I couldn’t keep holding his hand. This whole thing needed to end now. “I’ll walk from here.”

Harry

I was baffled how quickly things went sour between us. Gina was asking questions, and I wasn’t ready to tell her why I turned into such a fuck-up. The other man, the old me, had damaged Louisa, and I had promised myself that this wouldn’t happen again. Gina didn’t need to know what happened in the past. My issues were buried, well, I thought so. I couldn’t open up more. She wouldn’t accept the real me.
She didn’t move, waiting for me to react.
“We are good together. Why do you want to complicate things?” I asked.
We were discussing the farm and then Fred started telling me that I needed to open up to her about all my problems, that this girl was special. I had no idea she was listening to our private conversation outside. She didn’t mention Crystal, thank God for that. I needed to sort out that issue myself and fast.
I had gone through this before, but luckily, I was able to hide stuff about myself from Louisa. Gina knew something was wrong, she sensed it, but sharing wasn’t going to suddenly heal me. I didn’t believe in therapy. Talking to some educated guy was a waste of my time.
“We are, but there are issues we both need to address. Stop acting like you don’t care,” she said. “I want to help you.”
She couldn’t help me. I didn’t want to lose her, but at the same time, I couldn’t just talk about my aspirations. She wouldn’t understand that in the past I had used women, that before I was never ready to commit to a relationship.
“No, Gina, this is what you get, the guy in front of you. The other one doesn’t exist. You either accept it or not.”
I was giving her an ultimatum and that wasn’t fair. Deep down I knew it, and she knew it, but I wasn’t able to behave any differently right now.
“Then I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore. Thank you for everything you have done for me, but this is where we go our separate ways,” she told me and then got out of the car.
My screwed-up mind told me to go after her. It wasn’t too late yet. She was walking toward the city centre.
Do something, you coward!
Yes, I was too afraid to get out of that damn car and tell her the truth. Maybe it was better that things ended now, before anyone could get hurt. I’d gotten too comfortable with myself and with her. From the very beginning I knew that I didn’t deserve her.
I put my foot down on the gas and continued to drive, feeling weak and pissed off with myself. My limbs grew heavy and everything inside my head was dark. This was supposed to be a happy day. I had it all planned out. I kept going over and over it in my head, thinking that maybe I could still fix things between us. She shouldn’t have listened to my conversation. Maybe eventually I would have told her the truth.
I had no idea what I was expecting. She came into my life out of the blue, and now I was alone again.
I was a wreck, and I’d been hurting people for as long as I could remember. Gina had seen that part of me only once, and by ending things, I spared her more pain. It’s all for the best.

***

The woman who was just about to rock my world was outside my door. I met Anastasia last year at a mixer party. She was a model and for some reason I kept her number. Normally I got rid of them, but Anastasia told me we could get together again if I was ever bored.
I smoothed my tie and picked up the glass of champagne. A year ago, we’d had adventurous sex, and I knew she could help me put myself back together.
It’d been three days since I saw Gina. Somehow, I managed to get home without crashing my car. That evening I lost it, drank, and spent all night thinking about my mistakes. I picked up my phone three times but didn’t end up calling her.
Nothing had changed. I wasn’t prepared to open up.
My memories were still vivid, and Gina’s smile kept haunting me every spare second that we had been apart.
I closed my eyes and breathed in for several seconds. Gina was patient, loving, and caring. Deep down, I knew she had all the qualities I was looking for in a woman, in a partner. On top of that she had a great body. She was perfect and yet I let her go.
“Get it together, mate, in a moment you will be fucking a beautiful long-legged brunette, and everything will be fine,” I said to myself and then opened the door of my apartment. The pain in my chest was wrecking me from the inside out, but it was going to pass soon. Anastasia would take care of all my needs.
“Anastasia, how nice to see you. You look fantastic,” I said, eyeing the woman standing outside my door. She was petite and had a tiny waist. Her long black hair fell freely over her shoulders. We bumped into each other in the bar the other night. I hadn’t seen her for ages and I thought it was time to rekindle our sexual chemistry.
I couldn’t focus at work. I’d gone to the bar and ordered a few drinks, pushing thoughts about Gina, my uncle, and Crystal away. I just needed some time out.
“Thank you, Harry, you don’t look too bad yourself,” she said, and bit her red lips. A shudder of excitement moved down my body, and blood rushed to my cock. We were going to fuck tonight and then she would leave. I was back to being the old me. Anastasia knew the score and she didn’t have any expectations.
I handed her a glass of champagne and shut the door. I was itching to kiss her, just so I could forget about the mass of red hair and that radiant smile.
Stop it, you arsehole. That woman was never yours.
We started talking about my business, about Anastasia’s modelling career, and her obsession with shoes. We were comfortable with each other and that was what mattered. She earned a lot of money and travelled all over the world. She didn’t have time for relationships. Next week she’d be in New York, then in China.
“You must have spent a fortune on this apartment,” she pointed out, leaning toward me and brushing her lips against my cheek. I was getting hard. It looked like I hadn’t forgotten how to have a good time.
“Yes, it was pricey, but I got a good deal.” I laughed and put my glass on the table. I ran my finger down her cleavage and she smiled, loosening my tie. My blood pressure was rising. I wanted to thrust my cock deep inside her over and over until she couldn’t remember her name.
I pushed her down on the sofa and started moulding her breasts and kissing her greedy mouth. She grabbed my cock and started playing with it.
“Oh, yes, just like that, this feels amazing,” she said when my mouth moved down to her neck. Her nipples were erect, and I needed to bury my body in her fast.
Except I soon realised that fucking her wouldn’t bring the peace I was looking for. That guy on top of her wasn’t me. The darkness shaded my vision and I didn’t want to touch her anymore. My cock went soft and Anastasia noticed.
“What’s going on, darling?” she asked. I was up on my feet and heading to the kitchen. I needed to get a drink, something strong that could set me straight. Five minutes later I knew I couldn’t fuck Anastasia, because she wasn’t my Gina. The woman I still wanted to love.