Chapter 23

Harry

I glanced at my phone this morning and cringed, seeing Crystal’s name again. Several weeks ago, I contacted an old mate of mine who was supposed to check Davies for me. He was a lawyer who specialised with taxes and financial commitments. Crystal had been threatening to report me to the tax office and I needed a second opinion. I wanted to be done with her, but that friend of mine hadn’t contacted me back and I was getting worried that he hadn't managed to get anything.
I had a feeling Crystal wasn’t going to just stop calling. She was fixated on me. She probably assumed that I would continue hooking up with her. I rejected the call and went to make myself a strong coffee. I had officially hit rock bottom of my pathetic existence. I wanted to hear Gina’s voice just one last time, but that was impossible. We were done.
Dexter had called last night. He and Sasha were bringing little Josie over. I remembered talking to Sasha a few weeks back. I didn’t want to cancel it, besides, I thought that having visitors could lift my shitty mood.
This morning I woke up hungover and my head was banging. Last night Jack Daniel was my best buddy. Valentina left and she wasn’t planning to come back. Apart from turning into a total drunk, I was also losing my shit in the ring. Young Johnny had kicked my arse for the second time this week. Gina was to blame—well, I had been blaming her for all the bad things that kept happening to me in the past week.
I shut my eyes and massaged my forehead, hoping that my head could stop banging for at least a second so I could gather my thoughts. I had known Sasha for a while, and I had no doubt that she would start bombarding me with questions about Gina. That was the last thing I needed today. Fred had told me countless times that I was wasting my future, but I was too stubborn to listen.
I felt like the past was playing a monopoly game with my fate. The future looked somehow bleak. I needed to sort my shit out, sooner than I thought. The sun was shining today, and Josie was looking forward to her walk along the coast. That little creature was going to lift my shitty mood and I didn’t want to disappoint her. Maybe Fred was bloody right; maybe therapy was my only option. In general, I hated hospitals and doctors, but my life was spinning out of control. It was time to ask for help.
I sat there staring blankly at the TV, then started changing the channels just to kill some time. Dexter had gotten over his issues and pulled himself together. I never knew what was really wrong with him, but the guy was doing fine now.
My intercom rang an hour later, and I lifted my sorry arse off the sofa and headed to greet them. I smoothed my hair in the mirror, aware that I needed to get a haircut soon.
Several minutes later, there was a loud knock at the door.
“We’re here, Uncle Harry,” Josie shouted.
“Well, I can see that. How is my favourite girl?” I asked her.
“‘I’m good,” she replied, looking serious.
“How are you?” I asked Dex, shaking his hand.
“Josie can’t wait to go to the beach and possibly the pool,” Sasha said, stroking the little girl’s hair.
“Good, great actually. Josie, do you want a quick drink before your ventures?” I asked.
“Okay, but just a little.”
“Come to the kitchen with me,” I said.
“Uncle Harry, your house is so big. Why do you have such a big house?” she asked, jumping up and down. I thought about it for a second. That was a good question. Why the hell did I need a big apartment? I didn’t even use most of the rooms. Women came and went. I had no family and my uncle wasn’t planning to move here. He was a Glasgow man.
“Don’t know. Maybe because you can come here anytime and play,” I said and handed her some squash. Sasha was watching me, and Dexter was staring at the view outside. I’d bet he missed living in the complex.
“Come on, Josie, let’s go to the terrace,” he suggested and grabbed his daughter’s hand. “You two behave. I have eyes in the back of my head.”
Sasha rolled her eyes and I changed the filter in the coffee machine. She looked radiant and happy. Dexter was lucky that he married a woman like Sasha. She was smart, beautiful, and obviously had the patience of a saint. Not many people could put up with Dex. The kid was an added bonus.
“So, how’ve you been?” Sasha asked when I handed her a freshly made expresso. A brief image of Gina passed through my mind, and I thought about our first date. She was drunk, but I still had a great time.
All the drama could have been avoided if I hadn’t asked Sasha about her.
“Fine, how about you guys? I presume the holiday in Greece went well?” I asked, stretching my arms. A mixer party. That was the only way I could get that woman out of my head and finally shag someone else. In the past week I tried and failed. Talking to a shrink would be a waste of my time. I didn’t need someone to tell me how to deal with my scarred past.
“It was great, the villa was fantastic. Josie loved the sea and the pool.” Sasha sighed, looking out at Dex who was pointing at something on the horizon. “What about you?
“I’m fine,” I replied.
She narrowed her eyes at me, sipping her coffee.
“There is something wrong. I can see it in your eyes.”
I laughed, trying to act like my life was in order. There was nothing that could get past Sasha.
“I’m good, Sash, don’t push it,” I added, and tried to get busy with some snacks, but Sasha’s intense gaze was on me.
“Oh, come on, how long are you going to act like that? Something is bothering you.”
“Girl, give it a rest. I’m just tired and hungover. I went a little wild last night with Jack Daniels,” I snapped, and she lifted her left eyebrow.
Yeah, I didn’t normally snap at people, and she was going to drill me until I went through the whole story.
The silence stretched for a moment while I unpacked the food and drinks. Sasha was watching me, waiting.
“My head is screwed,” I finally said, not wanting to go into too many details. Dexter was still on the terrace with Josie. I didn’t want to spoil Sasha’s day with my problems.
She narrowed her green eyes and then brought her hands to her mouth.
“Oh, my God, she got you, didn’t she?”
I looked at her in confusion, not sure what she was getting at.
“Who got who? What are you talking about?”
“Gina. You were dating her. Yeah, you asked me for her address a while back,” she said, nodding to herself. I tensed my jaw, trying to forget that I hadn’t fucked anyone since I parted ways with Gina Martinez. “So, what happened? Tell me everything.”
“There is nothing to tell, Sasha. I saw her, we dated, the thing didn’t work out. That’s the story,” I said, taking a sip of a beer.
“It didn’t work out? What the hell happened? And you two dated, like a real couple?”
“Ha-ha, very funny,” I mocked her. “Yes, we were seeing each other for a while, but it’s over.”
She wasn’t going to stop interrogating me, so I told her about Valentina and Anastasia in the end. My head was all over the place, and the words started pouring out of me. This was personal shit, but Sasha was so adamant about knowing everything that I gave in. Besides, she helped me in the beginning, so I owed it to her. Dexter must have told her stuff about me, but she didn’t know anything about my past. I wasn’t going to share more than I had to. I wanted to hear what she thought about my dilemma.
“This can only mean one thing, Harry,” she finally said, biting her lip.
“Whatever, Sash, I’m done talking about this. I have to sober up for tomorrow. I have an important meeting—”
“You’re in love with her,” she stated, folding her arms over her chest. “That’s why you can’t bring yourself to sleep with another woman, Harry. Oh, my God, I should have figured this out sooner. You’re in love with Gina.”
“Are you high on something?” I asked, knowing I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place. Sasha was wrong. I was incapable of love or feeling anything. I tried to love Louisa and failed.
“Stop being delusional. You love her and that’s the real reason you’re so miserable.”
“Don’t be absurd. It was just sex between us. I’m incapable of love, period.”
She was still shaking her head, obviously disagreeing with everything I was saying.
“Fine, believe whatever you want, but if you’re too stupid to see that you love her, then obviously you don’t deserve her. Anyway, I’ll be on the terrace,” she said, finishing her coffee.
I clenched my fists, and memories of Gina flooded my head. This was impossible. I couldn’t be in love with her.
“I can’t love anyone, Sasha. My past fucked me up and I don’t have a heart,” I insisted.
She sighed and turned around.
“You can’t even look at another woman without thinking about her. Ask Dexter, he’ll tell you the same. You’re in love with her.”
Moments later she went to the terrace to join her husband. I stared blankly at the empty space in my swanky apartment, thinking that my head was going to explode. Love, this sounded absurd. I couldn’t have fallen for Gina. Louisa had pushed me. She confessed her love to me, and I stood in front of her like a moron without saying anything.
Sasha and Dexter eventually went for a walk around the coast. When I was alone, I went to the cupboard and took out another bottle of Jack Daniel’s. When I put the ice in the glass my throat felt raw, and my stomach felt like it was filled with heavy bricks. I was getting hard thinking about Gina, but love had nothing to do with it. We had amazing sex, and we were connected. Sasha had no idea that Gina didn’t believe in love, either.
Before they left that evening, Dexter told me to get a fucking grip and go after Gina. His wife must have put him up to it, because that advice was pathetic. Gina would have reached out if she still wanted me.
I kept drinking and, every time I took another gulp of whiskey, the pain in my chest only spread further. There was blood on my hands, a lot of blood. I didn’t want Gina to see me like that, to know the real me.
I roared at the top of my lungs and tossed the glass on the floor. It broke to pieces and I tangled my hair, unable to stop feeling like the worst scumbag on the planet.
I went back to the cupboard and took out another glass. Then I opened the door to the balcony and stepped outside. The harsh, cold air caressed my hair. My skin was burning, and my breath was laboured. I tensed my jaw and took another gulp of whiskey. I couldn’t stop picturing Gina standing in front of me while Sasha’s words echoed in my head.
You’re in love with her.
This wasn’t possible and yet here I was, standing in my apartment breaking apart over a woman who was supposed to be a fling.
Maybe I became capable of loving her after all. She was never like any other woman I’d been with. She had burned a hole in my heart. Now I suffered because I couldn’t tell her about all the sins I had committed during the war. After that she wouldn’t want me anyway.
I didn’t know what time it was, but I must have drifted off to sleep completely wasted. Maybe for the first time in my life, unhappy with the fact that I was in love.

***

The next morning my alarm woke me up. Every part of my body throbbed with pain. My throat was dry, and my lids were stuck together. I didn’t remember ever being that hungover. Somehow, I managed to drag my fucked-up self to the shower. When the hot water began streaming down my body, I knew I couldn’t keep dismissing what happened yesterday.
My head throbbed and I stood in the shower pretending I didn’t have to make any decisions today.
I fucking loved her and that was it. I needed to get her back somehow, but my options seemed bleak. The pain kept punching holes in my stomach.
My phone started ringing when I was thinking about everything that had been going on. It was an unknown number. I was reluctant to speak to anyone now, but I answered it anyway.
“Yeah?”
“McCarthy here, mate. I’m returning your call about that case you asked me to look into.”
I tried to breathe slowly, telling myself that now wasn’t the best time to talk about this, but I guessed I had no choice.
I needed to know what he found. This issue with Crystal had been going on for too long now.
“I’m listening.”
“That woman, Davies, she can’t have anything on you. Your name wasn’t on any forms or any other paperwork. Besides, Andrew Davies shut down that company pretty quickly. He never turned a profit. But his name is on the taxman’s radar. They know about his offshore accounts.” The lawyer was saying.
My thoughts were racing. Crystal had been bullshitting me all this time. She told me that she had evidence against me. Well, now I wished I had checked that out sooner.
“Apparently I signed some forms back then. She wanted to report me to HM and Revenue. What if they look into my finances? Won’t they find something that can get me in trouble?”
“I couldn’t find anything, so neither will they. You know yourself that you’re clean, and that business was shut down within a year. I wouldn’t worry about it. Davies is in real shit, mate. He has put aside a lot of money recently, so they will keep an eye on him. He will be going down soon. Trust me.”
“All right, thanks, mate. I’ll be in touch,” I said, and then hung up. Now I could finally breathe with relief. Crystal had nothing on me. It was all one huge bullshit. I was ready to tell her to go to hell.
I started putting my clothes on, knowing I had to face Gina again and confess how I felt. Now there was nothing else standing in the way so we could be happy together.
If she’d take me back.