Chapter 35: New Meaning

< Shirley >
Dylan's words kept ringing in my head like a mosquito was bugging in my ears. I felt the cold water run all over my bare skin, sending chills throughout my body. I thought a cold shower would help me relax, but it was of no help.
"What will you do then?"
That question was making me go nuts. I banged my hand on the wall, closing my eyes tightly.
If it was about my inconsiderate and prideful nature, I could change. Yes, it would take time, but I could be a good person someday. What about my incompetence?
I didn't have a talent for anything. People said that everyone has a hidden talent. Well, I was yet to find mine.
I wasn't that good at car racing. It was something that excited me, got my adrenaline rushing, got me pumped. That's why I chose it. Apparently, I wasn't good at it, either.
I couldn't even protect myself. Even the underlings of Mr. Creepy Stalker got the best of me. I should have learned some self-defense, just like Adrian did. But I had been too lazy for it.
I could memorize very well, but I never tried understanding anything that I memorized. I only wrote what my memory served. In that way, I got into The Fashion Institute of Technology, one of the best universities for fashion. Therefore, I was a failure as a student as well.
There, you found your talent. You can memorize. Use your memory as a way to achieve something, said the voice in the back of my head.
I took a sharp breath and turned off the shower. Barely wearing the bathrobe, I rushed out of the bathroom and started googling about the jobs I could do with my degree, which I had never done before as I was sure Dad would take care of it. I would be shameless to depend on my dad anymore after what Dylan said to me.
Fashion designer… It sounded like a fun job to me. But I wanted to do something more. I wanted to help people. I always planned to run orphanages and old-aged homes when I became a car racer because I wanted to spend my own money for them. However, I was wrong to have them wait by using that money on my clothes and accessories. I guess I was just an empty vessel that was making too much noise.
Yet, if I were to become a fashion designer, I wouldn't be an idle person when there would be no car race to participate in. Also, it would be a nice backup plan. Even so, it wouldn't be any easier. But if I always keep running away because something was hard, I would never reach my goal.
Mom always said that there was no end to learning. I would learn martial arts too for my self-defense. I could still learn a whole bunch of things.
A few minutes ago, I was getting depressed over what Dylan said to me, but actually his words made me motivated to do something better in my life. In the end, a cold shower and his cold words did help me.
"I will show you that I can make my life meaningful and be someone who you can like even a tiny bit."
I dressed up into my nightwear and opened the dusted books on my table to study them. I didn't forget them all yet as it hasn't been that long since my graduation. However, there was nothing I understood. Elements of textiles, fabric dyeing, and printing, fashion illustration, and design, leather designing—I didn't understand anything.
I felt like crying. There was nothing I could do properly.
"You can do it only if you try," said the voice of the person who pushed me to do this. "Take a deep breath and focus your attention on the topic only," he said.
Even though Dylan wasn't physically here, it was as though he was encouraging me through my hallucination. He held my hand and picked up the pen. It felt so real. It was exactly as if he would do the same if he were here.
I straightened and took a deep breath before following whatever he told. As I watched the lecture videos, all I saw was Dylan on the screen. What was happening to me? Did he affect me that badly with his words that I was imagining him everywhere?
"Relax and try understanding process by process," he instructed.
As I tried understanding the concepts of art, it was pretty easy to crack them. I was lost in the books with his presence fading gradually from my mind until the door of my room creaked.
"Are my eyes deceiving me?" I heard my brother jest.
"I'm studying," I informed, my eyes still hovering over the context of the fourth book I was revising.
"I thought you already graduated. Or are you studying for a retest?" Adrian snickered, coming closer to my study table. I ignored his remark and continued looking over the contents. He started checking my books, which were resting on the desk. "Fashion related books? I thought you threw them away."
I rolled my eyes.
"What are you up to, anyway?"
"I have decided to become a fashion designer," I blurted out. I stopped reading and reluctantly looked up to him, expecting a shocked look on Adrian's face. But what I saw was a smile I hadn't seen in years. A genuine smile.
He ruffled my hair. "I'm glad you decided to do something with your life. Mom and Dad will be really happy. I will be rooting for your success, sis."
A smile spread across my lips when he called me 'sis' cause it had been ages since that. "Thanks, bro."
"So what are your plans?" he inquired, sitting on the edge of my bed.
I told him that I would apply for the fashion company, where I was an intern. I would start from there, then keep climbing. I would try not to take Mom or Dad's help.
"Why such a sudden change?" Adrian questioned, resting his palm on his chin.
"Um, I just gave some thoughts about my unorganized life," I replied, and he hummed in reply. "Why are you home at this time?"
"My boss threw a party, and I didn't want to attend."
I narrowed my eyes at him in disbelief. "Ady, you are the boss."
Adrian let out a chuckle that seemed so fake. "Exactly." He stood up from my bed and said, "I need to go back to the party."
He was about to leave but I called out, "What do you do at night?"
"And what do you mean?" He arched an eyebrow.
"You come home for dinner very often but you never stay the night. Why?" I questioned. "What do you do at that time?"
"Just what everyone does," he answered. "I sleep."
"I have known you for twenty-three years, so don't try to fool me."
Adrian chuckled humorlessly. "You have already been fooled, my dear sister."
"This dark tone of yours, I don't know what exactly caused you to change like this. But if you ever want to talk, I will always be there to listen," I told him sincerely.
"You were not there when I needed you the most," he spoke up, looking at me with resentful eyes.
"I'm sorry to say but you never told me that. How was I supposed to know what you were going through? How was I supposed to know that your girlfriend died if you never told me?" I demanded.
Adrian used to call me every day when I was in the university dorm. One day, he just stopped. I got no calls from him for days. Mom told me he went on a tour, which wasn't true. He went missing for a whole month. I still didn't know where he was during that period. It was only recently that he started coming back home again and was acting a bit warmer. Yet, he never told me with his own mouth that the love of his life died two years ago until Mom blurted it out last summer.
Adrian remained quiet.
"It's okay. You don't have to give me an explanation. When you feel like you want to share your grief with anyone, just know that you have a younger sister." With that, I turned back towards my study table.
"I can't tell you now," Adrian spoke up. "But I will let you know when I get what I want. I promise you that." His voice was determined. I could feel the familiar thirst for vengeance in his voice just like Dylan's. "Best of luck, Sis." With those words, he left my room.
I sighed and turned my attention back to studying. I was going to finish reviewing all of the books and jog up my memories to be ready to embark on a new journey of life when my phone received a text message.
Jerky Dylan: "I'm sorry."
I rubbed my eyes to check whether it was a hallucination as well or not. But when I realized it wasn't, a grin formed on my face. He was actually feeling bad for me.
"Yes, I forgive you, Dylan."