CONFLICTING EMOTIONS

**Alivia Pov**

My body twists and turns as I slip into a restless sleep. The dream unfolds in front of me, Adam's back becoming smaller and smaller as he disappears into the distance. The rejection stings my heart, sending a sharp pain through my chest. I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping to stop the tears from spilling out.

Suddenly, a silhouette appears before me, blocking my view of the disappearing figure. I gasp, recognizing the familiar face of Dr. Volkov. His bare chest exposed, revealing the tattoo on his left pec that seemed to pulse with his every move. His eyes locked onto mine, and I felt seen in a way that no one had ever seen me before. His eyes held a sense of understanding like he understood my inner turmoil. and I felt safe in his presence. The worries and insecurities that plagued me were suddenly lifted, and I felt a sense of acceptance that I had never experienced before. It’s like he can see right through me, into the depths of my soul.

"Do you like what you see?" he whispers in my ear, his breath hot against my skin. My heart races as I struggle to find my voice.

My mind spins as conflicting emotions tug at my heart. The realization that I might be developing feelings for Dr. Volkov hits me like a ton of bricks. How could this be happening? I thought I had everything under control. But the way his eyes bore into me, the sound of his voice, and the heat emanating from his bare chest, it all made my head spin.

But, the fear of rejection, the fear of opening up and getting hurt again, grips me tightly. What if I confess my feelings and he rejects me too, just like Adam did? The mere thought sends a shiver down my spine.

I wake up in a shock, my body covered in sweat. I sit up, trying to catch my breath. The remnants of the dream cling to me like a second skin, and I can't shake off the vivid image of Dr. Volkov. I turn to look at Mia, hoping I didn’t wake her up and I let out a sigh of relief that she is still asleep. My mind is a chaotic mess, torn between conflicting emotions. On one hand, the rejection from Adam still stings, but on the other hand, the image of Dr. Volkov's bare chest and piercing green eyes leaves me breathless. It's like a tug-of-war within me. But it’s not just the way Dr. Volkov looked, that has me so conflicted. It's the way he made me feel, even in my dream. Safe, understood, and dare I say, desired. I try to push these thoughts away, reminding myself that I barely know the man, but the tug at my heart tells me it might be too late.

I sit there for a while longer, lost in my thoughts the image of Dr. Volkov and the way he made me feel lingered on, like an unwanted guest. I see the easel and paints that Vasil brought me yesterday, and a sudden impulse takes over me. Maybe painting would be a good way to distract myself from these confusing emotions. I get off the bed and walk towards the easel taking a deep breath and I light a candle, its warm glow casting shadows on the canvas before me.

I pick up the paintbrush and let the bristles glide over the canvas, creating a streak of colour. I don't have a plan or an idea of what I want to paint, but I let my mind and heart guide my hand. The brush moves in gentle strokes, each one different from the last, as if it has a mind of its own. I lose myself in the colours, letting them mix and blend, forming shapes and lines on the canvas.

Lost in the process of painting, time seems to slip away from me. It's only when the soft morning light filters through the window that I'm jolted back to reality. As I take a step back, I feel a sudden rush of excitement mixed with apprehension. I hesitate, almost afraid to see what I have created.

Slowly, I turn around to face the easel, and there it is - a portrait of Dr. Volkov staring back at me. The colours are bold, capturing the intensity of his piercing green eyes, and the brushstrokes are soft and gentle, hinting at the softer side of his personality I captured every detail, the intricate tattoo on his left pec, the way his hair falls over his forehead, and the subtle curve of his lips. I can't believe I have been painting him all this time without even realizing it. It's a strange feeling, but at the same time, it's liberating. It's like I've found a way to express the emotions I couldn't put into words.

I know that I'm not ready to share it with anyone just yet. It's a private moment, a moment of vulnerability that I don't want to expose just yet. But for now, the painting will remain my little secret, a reminder of the conflicting emotions that I'm still trying to navigate.

I stand there, completely engrossed in the painting I've been working on for hours. Suddenly, a knock on the door sends me into a panic. Without thinking, I grab the canvas and try to hide it behind a nearby chair as Jess walks in. Her sharp eyes immediately scan the room and land on the paints and brushes scattered across the table.

"What have you been up to?" she asks, her gaze fixated on the art supplies.

I try to sound nonchalant as I reply, "Just painting."

But her curiosity gets the best of her as she takes a few steps towards my easel. "Really? Can I see what you've been working on?"

My heart races as I try to come up with an excuse. "Uh, it's not quite finished yet. How about I show you later?"

Jess's brows furrow in suspicion, but thankfully, she doesn't push the matter "Sure," she says before turning her attention to another part of the room.
"So, what happened with Adrienne?" I ask, trying to steer the conversation away from my unfinished artwork.

"We decided to take it slow," Jess responds with a hint of disbelief. "I can't believe I am mated to a council member."

I smile sympathetically, understanding the weight that comes with being connected to someone in power. "I'm happy for you, Jess. You deserve someone who treats you well."

Jess's face lights up at my kind words. "Thanks, Alivia. You know, you're an amazing artist. I can't wait to see what you've been working on."

My heart sinks as I frantically search for a distraction. "Did you hear about the Bonfire that's happening tonight?"

Jess's excitement is palpable as she replies, "Yes I did, Vasil came to your room last night looking for you with your paints and easel and told me about it."
I nod, grateful for the change in subject. "I was thinking of going. Maybe we could go together?"

"Sounds like a great idea," Jess agrees, her eyes already lighting up "We'll go shopping for some dresses after class."

As we discuss what to wear for the bonfire, I glance over at Mia, who's still asleep on the bed. "I'll meet you in front of the packhouse. I need to find a guard and Dr. Volkov to keep an eye on Mia and to let them know I'll be going out,"

Jess nods eagerly and practically bounces out of the room. I watch her go, a smile on my face, before turning back to the mess of paint supplies on the table. With a sigh, I begin to gather them up, wiping down the table and carefully rinsing the brushes in the bathroom.

As I finish cleaning, I glance over at the canvas tucked behind the chair. I can’t risk anyone seeing it. With a quick glance around the room, I carefully lift the canvas off the easel and make my way back to my room.

Once safely inside, I carefully tuck the canvas away in my cupboard, making sure it's well hidden from prying eyes. With a sigh of relief, I lean back against the cupboard, grateful that I was able to keep my secret safe for another day.