11: ELISE

THERE was a rumor about a secret circle of young people who had catered to Trina Cheng’s fetishes when she was alive and Gian knew about this because he was one of its founders—a clique of spoiled rich brats who practice BDSM and they even had a place for it somewhere, which they called their secret sex den.
So, Trina had a cult following.
I’d say Gian had them, too. Hello, Shiela?
Gian was the equivalent of Trina in this epic story because she chose him as king.
But… did they practice weird sex fetishes when they were together?
I couldn’t believe it. Shiela obviously believed this. That was the reason behind her obsession with Gian, because her fetish was the same as Trina’s.
Rape fantasy.
*But he said himself she was mental*, I thought defensively. If he believed this synonymous with the fetish, he couldn’t be like them.
“You are too quiet,” Gian said in a suspicious tone. “Are you getting sleepy? You can’t fall asleep until after we’re clear. About one hour, the doctor said. Talk to me.”
The car had been moving minutes ago. She was deep in thought. “I was just thinking, not sleepy.”
“What about?”
*Oh, you don’t wanna know.* “About… if you have ever gotten emotionally involved with someone.”
“I am always emotionally involved with people.”
“You know what I’m talking about,” I said. “Shiela… is she the only one who was obsessed with you like that?”
“Hmm…” came from him. Not a yes or no. Then it was just quiet in the car again.
But it was tense this time.
I was the first one who gave up.
I got nervous. Gian wasn’t an ignorant fool and I was sure he knew exactly who I was talking—thinking—about.
“Sorry, Gian. Forget about it. My brain is floating in pain meds and I’m not thinking straight.”
I heard him laugh softly. “I knew you’d heard about her. I’ve wondered when you’ll get around to asking me.”
Everything was in his voice. His disappointment, dismay, and disgust were there.
My heartbeat suddenly started to race. My chest constricted.
He did love Trina. It was in his voice, too.
Ten years since, and he could still be hurt about it.
I suddenly felt like I wanted to cry. I felt so guilty. It was just like him to pine about someone he loved truly this long. Had he not fallen in love with my mother for years? As in, they said he even cried at her wedding to my stepfather. And that he didn’t eat for days.
I knew it was too hilarious so I never dared mention it. He could be that deep.
I closed my eyes firmly before I either cry or snort in laughter. Gian could sometimes be too much.
I hate the pain meds I had to take. They were making me emotionally volatile.
“Sorry. Forget it. Sorry.”
“Please open your eyes. I told you, you might fall asleep.”
I opened my eyes and looked straight to the front because I couldn’t look at him.
In the periphery of my vision, I saw him gently shake his head, continuing his calm driving of the car.
Again, *that* silence.
It was depressing, and I was emotionally and physically drained, and yet hyper, too. I didn’t realize I had closed my eyes again.
“Don’t close your eyes! Elise! Dammit!”
I opened my eyes as I jumped on my seat in surprise. “No,” I protested automatically, guiltily.
“Jesus Christ!”
Did he take meds, too? He’s more volatile than I was. “Okay, I’m not going to close my eyes again. I swear!”
“You want me to talk about her? Fine! Just don’t sleep..”
“Gian—”
“I hated her for dying! I passed out while she was struggling, and she died alone, Elise. I couldn't even hold her hand. Okay? But I also hated her for allowing herself to get destroyed that way, and I hated myself for not being there to save her because that girl was gone when I returned. She was long gone before she allowed me to get her inside that car. I still hate myself! So don’t you dare close your eyes while I am fucking driving! Not until we’re home and you’re all safe!”
Oh my god… how could I forget Trina died in his car? How thoughtless was I?
“Gian... okay... I’m not going to close my eyes. Okay…?” I promised, tears starting to course down my cheeks now. “I didn’t realize I had reached out and I was holding his right arm, and it was so taut. Like steel. “Gian... I’m so sorry… please, don’t be angry with me anymore, please!”
It was obvious he was trying hard to calm himself. He was breathing hard and evenly, and he was loosening his grip on the wheel and opening his mouth to relax his jaw.
I had seen him do this when something in the office irritated him. I, meanwhile, finally discovered what else could trigger him aside from me acting stupid.
He only had to remember Trina…
“Are you going to be okay...?”
He nodded, and his face looked contrite now. “You can let go of my arm now. You’re with me here, woman. I’ll not do something stupid, Elise. Okay?” he said in a gentler tone.
I released his arm. “I wasn’t thinking that. I didn’t mean to make you remember, either. I’m so sorry.”
He took a deep breath again. “You wonder why I can’t seriously involve myself with any woman, right?”
I grimaced. Too true. “Yes. I think it’s everybody’s question,” I admitted softly, trying hard not to sniff as I furtively wiped the tears away before he noticed them.
“Well, I still hate her, for no other reason than that I’ve never loved anyone like her, and I can’t hurt like that again. I loved that stupid bitch. If I can’t feel like that for another person, why even try?”
So, could I still close my damn crying eyes after that? No way now.
I blinked several times to stop crying but emotions continued to twist my heart inside my chest. I hurt more than I could truly understand or explain.
It hurt so much. I hurt because I just got beaten up, but he didn’t lose his cool then, however hard he managed to contain it in the past hour.
But the moment he talked about Trina, he threw himself over the edge as fast as that.
I hurt so much for the young man he was.
We were silent until we finally arrived at the apartment building where I lived.