18: Elise
ALIA laughed.
Loud.
Between the two of us, she seemed to know—smell was what we called it—if a guy was closet gay.
I wouldn’t know unless someone outed himself already or the person was a crossdresser. I didn’t have what they call a ‘radar’ for it.
“Yes, he smelled straight,” she finally said.
I sighed, relieved. “Okay…” I even said. “And it’s not because I wanted him to be, but because his father is going to kill him. And I can’t believe we’re actually talking about this.” I just couldn’t picture Brandon, who exuded all-manliness, a homosexual.
But as I thought more about it, I got more depressed.
“So… we’re not in love with each other anymore?”
She was done and the wet dishes were on the drying mat.
She pulled a towel and dried her hands as she turned towards me.
“Don’t be sad. It is a very good thing you haven’t had sex with him, so you will not be so emotionally invested in this relationship. You can move on from him easily.”
“Stop the sex topic. I can’t even imagine that I can…”
“Get naked in front of him?” she continued for me. “I know. I felt like that with Macoy and it was the same with Jeremy. I felt comfortable getting naked, physically and emotionally, with them. Sex should be with someone we’re in love with and most importantly, we feel most comfortable with,” she even said, looking and sounding like a sage.
I would have teased her about it had I not been prescribed the same principle passionately, though I had not been allowed the opportunity to practice it.
“I—although I’d always felt jealous of friends who were in a relationship before Jeremy came into my life—I know I can’t date anyone I don’t feel comfortable in the first place anyway. Even if he’s the hottest guy at work, it's nothing if I don’t feel safe in his company.”
“I thought you said Jeremy was the hottest when he still worked there?” I reminded her with a smirk, then stopped because my face ached.
“Of course, he was. Even the hottest guy there now doesn’t compare to my boyfriend. But he’s also the hottest guy to me because of everything he is once I got to know him. You know he’s not just hot… but smart, kind, and so protective and loving. I can be naked with him… meaning I can be exactly as I am, and I always feel safe.”
“I know…” I said, smiling because I was so happy for her. “Can I ask something?”
She nodded readily.
“You said something before when it was about Macoy… that it came to a point when you know you’re both not in love with each other, but the relationship continued because you both felt committed to each other, even though you both didn’t feel happy anymore.”
She nodded. “Let me just be clear—we still love each other. I believe we still do now, after everything we’ve shared with each other. We have good memories, you know that...”
I nodded again because I know they sometimes still chat and try to catch up with each other’s lives and it started a few months ago.
Macoy had a girlfriend now, too. Alia only started to open up his emails when she didn’t feel pain anymore just seeing his name.
“We’ll always have a special place in each other’s hearts. But for months we tried to fight for a commitment that had lost real presence. His head was already invested in the future he was going to build somewhere far away from here. While I had my own plans for my career because I believed we were years away from even thinking about getting married. I felt that to him, my plans were too simple for what he wanted for both of us and me… you know how much it had hurt when he didn’t even fight when I asked to break up. He thought I wasn’t serious. That when he’s done with what he needed to do over there, we could still be together. And it hurt so much because, in the beginning, I was always his priority and suddenly, I was not.”
She took a deep breath, then she tried to smile because I must be looking worried for her. And I was about to ask, but I was relieved she wasn’t crying about this anymore. Like she used to.
“He’s become so different, he didn’t even feel that we’re not in love with each other anymore. That was the whole point. I would have gone anywhere in the world with him if only he fought for me. In your case, you don’t even have his physical presence with you. You haven’t been developing any deeper emotional ties with him because he rarely even calls. Where is the logic to staying, girl?”
“None,” I replied, with the only available answer. “There is none.”
She reached for my hand. “And it’s not about being selfish even. You’re young. We’re young. He’s young. There are still a lot of things we need to experience and learn and get satisfaction from aside from having a boyfriend. As your friend, I am not going to let you stay in a relationship that sours your waking moments and makes everything else seem dull. I want you to be happy, and safe, and… shit.”
She was shaking her head, pissed off again.
“He should have been there with you last night—the bastard. It was a pre-Valentine’s Day Party. If he had been there, this never would have happened. I changed my mind. I’d like him beaten up first before that bitch.”
I laughed in surprise, and then abruptly stopped again because it was painful to laugh. Then she yawned, and I knew it was time for both of us to be in bed.
“Thank you for the breakfast, for getting mad at Shiela, and for the enlightening talk. Let’s go to bed.”
She was back to being worried again as her eyes explored the bruises and cuts on my exposed skin. Then she winced again when her eyes returned to my face. “What are you supposed to be doing about that? Do you need anything else? Do you have to go to a check-up or—”
“I will go to bed, maybe sleep or listen to an audiobook or music. I can’t read or watch TV.” And I pointed to my black eye.
Her face looked very pained. “You’re going to be okay. Okay?” she told me while her hand carefully held my face where there would be no bruises or cuts. “My god! I am thinking of super violent things I really want to do to her or Brandon because of this. She’s evil. She’s a demoñita, that crazy bitch. I am sinning just thinking about her!”
When I was back in my room tinkering with my phone for the audiobook I would want to listen to, I was thinking of our conversation, the part when she was talking about finding a man we could be our natural selves with.
There was only one man who was closer to me than I was to Brandon, and even as my mentor, I still felt most comfortable with him.
And it was Gian.
Gian was more than a man Brandon could hope to be, and he could have any woman he could choose to be despite the scandal in his past.
He was just… almost perfect.
How could I fall in love with any man if he was always by my side?
Even if he didn’t show signs he was ready to commit to anyone, women still desired him. They still fell in love with him.
What about me?
I could see everything that was perfect about him. I received the best part of his kindness, his brotherly protection, and all his good intentions.
I suddenly felt depressed. I remembered how grateful I was to have Brandon in the beginning, because he was a distraction to Gian.
Then I find out after a short time that he couldn’t even put a dent in my high regard for my fussy and super-cold but soft-hearted guardian.
I liked Brandon. I was in love with him. I was excited about falling in love.
But I ended up realizing everything was superficial in the face of Gian’s kindness and remorse after what happened to me last night.
I took a deep breath.
I think I was going to end up growing old a spinster.
And I really didn’t like that, but I had a feeling Gian would sour all the other men I would date like he had done Brandon, who, I knew now, never had a chance.