14: Elise

*“NO, no… please… Itay…!”*
“Elise? Elise, wake up. Wake up, baby.”
*I was again in that nightmare. Like the first ones, I was just a presence here, a spectator who couldn’t escape from the scene.
I could see what was happening, but I couldn’t feel the coldness of the pit, nor smell the smell of the earth.
I wasn’t the one who was imprisoned there.
But I might as well be.
I wanted to escape, but I wasn’t the one who must escape.
It was very dark, and inside that casket was a man.
It was very dark, but I could see him as if there was moonlight inside the airless, cramped space.
I could see the shadows on the plane and the curves of his face. I could see the pain and the fear.
He was pushing at the wooden board on top of him, scratching at it with his fingers. Dirt was starting to pile on him as it started to give, and it was getting hard for him to breathe.
“Itay, stop. You’re dead. Please… please stop. You’re going to die again!”*
“Elise… c’mon. Hey, hey—”
*“Itay, Itay…!”*
“Elise! Wake up! Elise!”
*I watched as the earth piled up over my father, and he had nowhere to go to escape. I screamed. “Itay Friiiiiiiitz!”*
And then I woke up.
I rose from the pillows straight into the arms of Gian, who was sitting on the side of my bed, while I sobbed hysterically.
“My Itay Fritz! My Itay can’t breathe!”
“Elise, hey… hey, baby. It’s just a dream… it’s alright… it’s just a bad dream…”
I could hear his voice and it was Gian. I could feel his hand rubbing my back as he tried to soothe me. Both his arms were around me, and he held me close to his chest like a child.
He did say he was going to sleep on the sofa.
“Gian…” I cried his name as I melted into him. I was sweating in the airconditioned bedroom and my eyes were wet with terrified tears. I was just glad I wasn’t alone.
The guys were watching TV in the living room last night when I finally went inside my bedroom to sleep. Gian was sitting between Jason and Mang Karding. They looked like a big dog pile. I was even smiling at the cute picture I left behind when I closed my eyes and succumbed to sleep. I felt exhausted.
The next thing I knew, I was in my nightmare.
“W-What time is it?”
“It’s five in the morning. I came in to wake you up and give you your medicine. It’s not real, baby. Your nightmare mo… it’s not real. You know that, right?”
“I know, but it seemed so real in my dream…” I protested, tears flowing down my cheeks. It was my Itay Fritz hurting and forever hurting as he tried to come back to his little three-year-old baby. It was terrifying and heartbreaking at the same time.
“But it’s not. Think about it. How can it be real? Your father was this genius who was able to make his contribution to green technology at such a very young age compared to other inventors we know of,” he reasoned in the Gian way. And I listened. I knew he was trying to make me see the senselessness in a childhood fear that still gripped me in adulthood in the hopes it would repulse the nightmare itself. And I held on to him, in the hopes he would be successful. “He was so in love with your mom that he left his wealthy lifestyle to have a family here with her. And he had you.”
Another small sob escaped my lips as I heard his admiration and respect for my father in his voice.
Gian sighed. “He might have died young, but you remembered him so well because he’d been a very loving father. His life wasn’t a failure, Elise. He’d lived it in full and I don’t think he ever had any regrets. He’d cheated death once before he got you and your mom. In fact, I would say he’d have been freakin’ grateful.”
I nodded. He was trying so hard for me, and I felt very grateful to him. I just didn’t know if it would actually stop the nightmares, but I clung to him despite it while he continued to shine a light on the shadows inside my skull.
“He’s got all the good memories that both of you share. He decided not to let you and your mother see him dying because those memories are the only ones he wanted to leave you with. He’s been through the experience of dying twice, and I’m sure he knew better the second time.”
“He did. My Inay said that before he left for Germany, he’d said if he hadn’t been sick, he wouldn’t have tried to travel and reach the Philippines, where he’d met my mother, married her, and had me. He wouldn’t experience how to be truly happy. She didn’t know he was sick again and had to undergo chemo there, and he didn’t want her to see how he looked like and experience his pain while he went through it again,” I told him.
“You should forgive him and let him rest in peace,” he softly said.
My lips trembled at his words. No one had said kind words about my father the way he did. I did know he’d respected him. That those few times I talked to him about my tatay, he knew things I didn’t think he did. he’d said before that he had been so fascinated with my father that every time adults around him talked about him when he was still a kid, he would listen intently.
He was making me feel better.
“You *must* stop feeling bad about his death and let him go. Now, imagine if he knew about the nightmares. He wouldn’t like you going through them. The way he’d felt about you and been protective of you and your mother, it would hurt him so badly.”
Of course, he knew what he was talking about. I couldn’t complain because he had terribly lost someone, too. Gian knew about nightmares as much as I did. “You’ve had the same nightmares before. After Trina.”
He tensed for a moment, then he nodded. “Yes. I didn’t want her to die. I hated that she died like that. I’d already said it, hadn’t I? But… I knew her before she went overboard. I knew how she was, and I knew that she was barely surviving what she had become when the accident happened.”
“You really loved her.”
“I *adored* her.” And I could sense the smile in his voice. “She was wild and daring and more beautiful because of it. But I couldn’t… understand what happened to her. She just risked more than what she was capable of handling to get high. The girl in that accident wasn’t my Trina anymore. The Trina that I knew wouldn’t do something careless to endanger my life.”
I raised my eyes to him, to watch his face as he talked. “How did your dream go? Or… can you tell me?”
His smile was sad. “My nightmare was of her crying and asking for forgiveness until she died, but I was locked in my unconscious body so that I couldn’t move or open my eyes, and I couldn’t forgive her or comfort her and I desperately wanted to because I already knew how it would end. She would die. And every single time, she dies believing I didn’t forgive her.”
“I’m so sorry.”
He was quiet for a few moments as he stared at nothing, though I knew he was seeing her… the way his Trina was in the past. Then he lowered his gaze to mine. “And I think that’s where both of us are coming from. If we could have done something more… but we couldn’t. Nothing can change that, and they’d never be back. That’s the burden carried by the living when our loved ones die and we don’t get the chance to say goodbye.”
I hugged him to me tightly as tears welled up in my eyes again, and I silently cried. But these tears were different now. I had a suspicion that I wouldn’t dream that nightmare anymore.
After another few moments, he moved. “Elise, you need to have your medicine. C’mon…”
I nodded and I released him so he could get the glass of water and pills I spied on a tray on the bedside table. I took every single pill and capsule he gave me and the water from the glass and handed it back to him like an obedient child when I was done.
“Okay. Go back to sleep.”
I nodded. My tears were gone. I went back to bed and he remained sitting on its edge as he raised the blanket up to my chest as if he just needed to do something with his hands. After I’d closed my eyes, I felt his fingers combing my hair on the pillows. I felt vulnerable but protected. He felt like a sentinel, guarding me against evil nightmares. I was grateful again that he was there because I still felt scared a little. I didn’t have to guard myself against anything.
I went back to a sleep that was dreamless this time. My nightmare finally rested for that night... at least.