~ Chapter Forty-Five ~

“Do you think we’ll be able to get my mate back?” Valerie asked, her eyes pointed toward her lap.

I looked away as I fiddled uncomfortably with my coffee mug. “I don’t know, Val. I’d like to say yes but I can’t fill you with that kind of hope. It’s Roger…”

She sighed. “I am glad that it has all worked out for you. I hope you know that.”

“You can resent me if you’d like. I’ll take it. I left all of you to suffer at Roger’s feet and that will forever hang over my head.” I reached out to take Valerie’s hand. “If I could have done anything differently, I would have told Dimitri to storm back into that house and kill that man.”

She tried to smile but I could tell she didn’t have it in her. So I pulled her into me, hugging her tightly until even my arms hurt. Her head lay on my shoulder, tucked close to my neck. After a moment, I felt an intense breath of air through her nose.

“What?”

She shook her head against me. “You aren’t even marked yet.”

My cheeks felt suddenly hot as I pushed her away a little bit. She stared at me in amusement, masking the difficulty of our previous conversation, and I shook my head. “Is that really important?”

“Of course it is! He is your mate. Does this mean you two haven’t even…” She trailed off, and I looked away, giving her all the answers she wanted. She laughed sharply and pushed my shoulder. “Innocent little Erika. I can’t believe- Hell, I thought I could sense the tension between you two. No wonder if you haven’t done it.”

“Please, Val…” I was cringing. “I don’t want to speak about this with you.”

“I need a girl talk to get my mind off of things, so please do.” She gave me a soft smile. “What is it, are you two not attracted enough to each other?”

I thought about the hard planes of Dimitri’s chest and knew that wasn’t the case, at least for me. Then I thought about how he had loved my hair down and knew it wasn’t the case for him, either. The reason we hadn’t mated had nothing to do with physical attributes, but everything to do with our hold-ups.

“I told you Dimitri and I didn’t start off well. Our personalities sort of clashed; he was too protective and I was too independent.”

Valerie shuffled forward in interest. “And now?”

“Not much has changed but we’re working on it. We have a sort of arrangement.”

“What is it?”

“I… well, I have to complete a Luna duty before we mate - you know, so that I can prove I could look after the pack if he goes away. And for me, he had to let go of me a little.”

Valerie narrowed her eyes. “I don’t think that’s really healthy for your relationship, to say you will only continue if you both fulfil such silly expectations.”

My eyebrows raised.

“Think about it, Erika. If you love him - or think you could love him - then that has to be despite his flaws. He could change as you go, but you can’t force him. That’s how it gets unhealthy.

“And if he refuses to make you Luna until you’ve proven yourself, then he clearly doesn’t trust you enough to be mated to you in the first place.”

I clutched my mug harder, my eyes flicking around the room. I could see her point but I couldn’t mate with Dimitri before he treated me with the respect I deserved after all those years beneath Roger.

“I understand what you’re saying,” I muttered, “but I think it is okay in this case. We both need reassuring, that’s all.”

“Don’t let me get in the way.” Valerie sipped her drink and opened her mouth to speak again, but the door opened and a little boy came running in.

“Mom! I am bored.”

I smiled to myself, sipping my coffee as I stood up. “I’ll leave the two of you to it. Thanks for talking to me, Val, and keep yourself safe within the pack today.”

“Thank *you*, Erika.”

To my surprise, I found Dimitri waiting in the doorway. He still looked like he was exhausted but there was a soft smile on his face he couldn’t seem to wipe off. I let the last of my coffee slide down my throat before I reached him, and he turned to follow me away from the living room.

“Is training over?” I asked in surprise, checking my watch.

“For me it is,” he sighed. “I would like to take a nap.”

I nodded. “Maybe I should do some-”

“With you.”

My head snapped in his direction as he stared at me nervously. There was something so boyish about the expression, so cute, that I couldn’t help but agree instantly. I dropped my mug off next to the kitchen sink and led him upstairs by his hand.

We entered our bedroom, which smelt suspiciously like wood. I realised the window was open, allowing the drift of burning wood to pass through and invade the entire room.

“Who’s got a fire outside?” I questioned as I leaned against the window to take a look. I didn’t really recognise any of the wolves sitting just inside the trees far from the pack houses.

Dimitri shrugged next to me. “I suppose they’re just enjoying the heat. It’s cold today.”

“You don’t say. Valerie looked like she was freezing.” I shivered. “And I think I have a bit of a chill myself.”

Dimitri smiled and pulled me into his chest. “I want to talk to you, but not until I can trap you so you don’t run away. Come lie down with me.”

“So you can trap me?” I challenged.

He silently tugged me over to the bed, so I abandoned the window. He lay down, pulling me under the covers with him, and brought the sheets over the top of us. A wave of heat surrounded me, firstly from my front where my mate was finding as many ways as he could to trap me in place.

His legs wrapped around mine, his arms were locked on my waist, and his head tucked into my neck. Aside from the warmth, the tingles covering my skin were enough to persuade me to stay there in his arms no matter what he said.

“So, what do you want to talk about?”

“Kids.”

I instantly started trying to escape, but Dimitri only held onto me tighter. “No, no, you are not escaping.”

“Dimitri,” I whined, elbowing him in the shoulder.

“We have to talk about it one day.”

“One day!” I exclaimed. “Not today. We haven’t even- we hadn’t even had sex yet, and you’re thinking about kids?!“

Dimitri sighed heavily as he rolled over the top of me. I stared at him in defiance, but he was ignorant to it. His hips pressed down into mine, holding me in place.

“I am not saying I want children yet, Erika, you can calm down. I am saying I will want them eventually and I wanted to know how you feel. I guess that reaction says enough.”

My eyes flickered to the window, desperate to look out of it rather than at his face.

“We definitely need to talk about it if you don’t want children and I do. What kind of couple would we make?”

I gulped. “Dima, I’m just not… I’ve never been able to think about it, okay? You can’t spring this on me and take my reaction as a no.”

“Is it?” he challenged.

“It’s not a no.”

“But it’s not a yes.”

“…. No, it’s not.”

We stared at each other for a moment as if in thought, lost in our own worlds apart from one another. I was yet again reminded of the differences between us that made it difficult to understand why we had been chosen to be together. It didn’t feel right unless we were touching, and even now, with his hips against mine, I couldn’t focus on anything but how wrong we seemed to be for each other.

When Dimitri came to the end of his thoughts, he moved to the side and faced away from me, settling into position in bed. I couldn’t help but watch him in surprise until I shuffled up and wrapped my arms around him from behind. He glanced back at me, though he didn’t say anything.

“Give me some time to think about this one,” I whispered. “I don’t want to say yes or no yet, I haven’t even considered it.”

“If you want kids then you want kids, Erika,” Dimitri replied, so quiet I had to lean in to hear it. “If you’re so unsure that you haven’t even considered it, you don’t want kids.”

My heart broke in my chest as I realised what this could mean for us, but I didn’t feel like talking about it right then. I just cuddled him closer and he placed a hand on the back of my wrist.

And we lay there, pretending we didn’t still have so many huge issues that broke us inside as well as out.

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