Chapter 22 facing my demons

My life feels as if it is spiraling out of control.
There is no movement from Tyler whatsoever and there are times that I feel that I need to accept that it has come to the inevetible.
Just when I thought that I had Tyler and we are happy together, the demons had to come creeping out the closet.
I know that I still owe Brooke an answer, and yes, so am I going to owe Tyler. But there is something that I need to do before I can even get there.
Yes, things are coming together in such a weird and crazy way, but by far not normal at all. Never did I think that this would have come to back to haunt me one day.
But I love Tyler, and this is for him that I need to do this today.
I cannot even go back to a time where I can remember not loving Tyler at all. Never though did I think it would lead up to it in such a difficult and trying way. I always knew that we were destined to be together no matter what secrets were hiding in my past.
But not this secret.
There might have been times that I thought of giving up on the hope that we will find our way to each other, but it is the love that I held for him in my heart that never let me give up hope. I guess Tyler has always been the hope and the very thing that has driven me in my life. He is the only man that will now and forever mean anything in my life. I cannot live without him, and more than ever, I know that I do not want to live without him. He is the only man that will ever have my heart.
But this very man, I feel so far away from at so many times. I don't know if things will ever be the same between us again. Even with the baby on the way, I do wonder at times if that will be enough to keep us together. Though saying this, it should not be the reason why we are together; it should be for love. And right now, I am afraid to even say; I think that we doubt that feeling within each other.
I have for many years hidden my feelings and my secrets, in a way, pushed myself away to protect myself from the pain. I have just as much as I wanted to feel love; I have just as much been afraid of being hurt. I love Tyler. Does he even feel the same way about me as he says he does? God knows I have given him enough reason not to love me at all. But will he love me after this?
So we are once again finding ourselves at a crossroads in our lives. Will this make us even stronger, or will it push us even further apart? We need each other now more than ever. We need a reason to love each other. But I am scared that he does not.
Today I am not sending the flowers as I always do to there; today, I am taking them myself. I have not done this in a long while; I have always been too scared to do it myself.
So it is with a somewhat trembling body that I hug Maggie.
"Morning, Maggie."
"Morning, Jenna. You are early?"
"I thought of stopping by there myself."
"Are you sure that you are ready for this?"
"I cannot keep hiding; I need to find some sort of closure, especially now with Tyler."
"Then I shall make you an extra special one today."
While Maggie goes to the back to put a bouquet together, I stand and think of all the reasons why I should not be going. But I need to do this. I have always been able to clear my head when I talk to her. And I know the minute I get there, it shall bring peace of mind. I shall find that part of me that will allow me to let go and feel love again. I am not saying that it is what I shall find in Tyler, but I need to let go.
After the longest ten minutes of trying to convince myself of all the reasons I should not be going, Maggie brings the most beautiful bouquet that I have ever seen her make before.
"You have really outdone yourself this time; this is gorgeous."
"Only the best for you, Jenna; good luck out there today."
With everything settled, I make my way to my truck. With each stride, I prepare myself for the long drive into the city. I have not taken this road in a long while, but I think that the time has come for myself to bring closure. And as I turn onto the road that will lead me there the quickest, I feel as if a dark cloud starts to set in over my heart.
As I edge each mile closer to my destination, I am reminded of that day and all the days after that and all the reasons I left. And all the reasons why I shall never return, well apart from today. Maybe I have been wrong for not wanting to come this way, but each man has his reasons for not wanting to face a time in his life that he would rather forget.
And as I look at the bouquet of spring flowers, I am reminded that they are her favorite. I remember the joy that they bring to her face. I remember the happiness that she brought to my life until that day.
So while the hour drags past and the minutes bring me closer to my destination, I am reminded of how damn crazy this idea was in the first place. But as I turn the final corner and I drive up the long and winding road, I am starting to feel a lot less afraid. This was needed; it was going to have to come soon.
Then as I step from my truck onto the gravel, I make the winding pathway towards the small gate. And as I lay my hand on top and start pulling it open, the first emotion hits me. I feel a crippling fear grab hold of my heart and start to squeeze it gently. My breathing starts to increase rapidly, and the world around me becomes blurry.
And as I come only but a few footsteps away, the ball in my throat starts to suffocate me. I feel as if I cannot breathe; I am beginning to feel dizzy. As I try to tell myself that I will survive this, I can not help but feel the tears build up in the corners of my strained eyes.
I can't remember it being so peaceful here. But do not let that fool you, for the peace is soon broken but what appears to be my own crying. The flood gates have burst open and given way for a waterfall that is streaming down my cheeks. I am brought to my knees as I can only utter three words.
"Please forgive me."
And it is an immediate answer that I get, as close as what I think she would say.
"Don't be sorry, Jenna."
As her voice runs circles through my mind, I gently lay the flowers down, and I can feel the big smile that is on her face now. After several moments I finally find the courage to speak.
"Mom, I am sorry it has taken so long to come; my heart could not take it."
Then I hear the voice of another that I have neglected just as much.
"My girl, what matters is that you came."
And if I thought I was not crying before, then I am for sure doing it now. I can feel the tears trickle down my face and soaking the collar of my black shirt as it runs down my neck.
It takes me several moments before I can tell her what I came here to ask her to help me with.
"Mom, I have a wonderful husband, and we are expecting. I need to forget move on, I need to love him, but I am scared that I am too broken."
"My girl, follow your heart. The pain will go away; you will never forget."
Then my father says one of the wisest things I have ever heard him say before.
"Jenna, let him take your pain away."
I slowly raise my head again from where I am sitting on my knees. I knew that I should get that closure that I have been seeking if I come here today. And for the next hour, I remain where I am in silence; the love I feel for my parents are running thick through my veins.
The love that I felt for them before that day.
Once my tears have run dry, and my heart feels at peace again, I raise to my feet. I rest my hands on their tombstones and whisper to myself.
"I love you. I am sorry for what I did to you."