Chapter 49 fear of the unkown

…Jenna POV…
I am struck by absolute terror as I leap my way over to where Tyler has fallen back into the chair, "Tyler, what is wrong?"
"I don't know, I just got so dizzy, and I fell. Can we please go home? I am really not feeling well."
"Don t you think that we need to see a Doctor? We are here now. It is the second time that you have fainted in two days now."
"No, please, can we not just go home?"
With that, I hook my arm around his waist and pull his frail body off the chair. His entire body is shaking, and he has gone paler than all fifty shades of white. My heart sinks, and I feel completely helpless; it looks as if he is in total agony, and there is a terrified look in his eyes.
And terrified we make our way to the car, not for one minute do I let go. I lay him down on the passenger seat and cover him with my jacket. His body is still trembling, but he tries his best to hide it. God, it breaks my heart. I don't know what is wrong, but I will fix it.
So we soon find our way home, where I slowly undress him and lay him under the comfort of a thick, cozy blanket. He seems to have calmed a bit, then he softly whispers to me, "Jenna, I am scared."
"What do you mean? What is wrong?"
"I don't know; something does not feel right."
"Why don't you sleep? I will get you an appointment with the doctor first thing in the morning."
"Are you going to come to lie with me?"
"I will be back just now."
But he does not want to let go; he holds onto my hand so tight that I can not feel any sensation anymore.
"Please don't go, don't leave me."
"Baby, I promise you that I will never leave you."
With him wrapped tight in my arms, he slowly drifts off into sleep. But even though there is some sort of peace in his eyes, it does not calm the storm that I feel brewing inside. I never have, and not even beyond my imagination, but I have never seen someone so terrified.
And terrified I remain the whole night, not closing my eyes for but a wink of sleep.
The next morning it is difficu< he feels far worse than the night before. I have managed to get him an appointment with the Doctor in the city. It is the same Doctor that attended to him when he was in the hospital. To say that Tyler is not beyond scared would be a total lie. I am trying to tell him that everything will be fine, but he firmly fears the worst.
So it is hard, after having to help him into the bath and bathing him. The sheer willpower to do anything has left his body. It fucking breaks me to see him this way. One minute he was fine, now he is not even half of the man that he used to be.
I stand and watch him while he is standing in front of the mirror looking at himself, and I can see that he, he is just not there. His beautiful smile has drained from his face. His eyes seem black and sunken deep.?
&quot;Baby, what's wrong?&quot;
&quot;How can you love me, Jenna? Look at me.&quot;
&quot;Baby, I don't love you for your body; I love you for you. The man that has stars in his eyes, the sunshine in his smile. His voice is gentle, and his laughter is addictive. His touch is as soft as clouds. He is beautiful inside and out. His fire and energy can light up a thousand candles. He is absolutely beautiful. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.&quot;
I hear his breath hitch as I pull him into my arms, and we stand in silence for a few moments.
After I finally have him in the car, I look at him; my heart breaks into tiny pieces all over again.
&quot;Baby, you are going to be fine.&quot;
…Tyler POV…
We are walking through the entrance of the hospital. I feel like running down the corridor as fast as I can, away from the Doctor s rooms. I do not want to walk into a place that will only cause me even more heartache than I already have. It feels like my life is ending; I don't want anything to happen now that Jenna and I have found each other again. Yes, I might be overreacting, but I know that something is not right.
Jenna takes me gently by the arm; I can see his eyes are begging. There is a deep hurt in them, maybe more like the fear of the unknown. &quot;Baby, I know that you are scared, but we have to do this?
I know she is only trying to help me out of the good of her own heart. I can see the anger and disappointment build up in his face. I know she is not angry with me; she is angry because she has to take me to the last place that I want to be.
I know that she just wants to make sure that I am okay, and I know she is doing this because she loves me. But I can also see that she is scared, maybe even a bit more than me. I love her so much. I don't want to put her through this pain.
So I grip onto her hand so tight that I nearly squeeze all the blood from her fingers. My palms are becoming sweaty, and there is a slight tremble in my hands. As we get closer, my heart has skipped a few beats, and I can hardly breathe. It feels as if my world is crashing in, and I am falling into a deep dark hole. The second we step into the rooms, my head starts to spin, and I am close to passing out.
Jenna sees as I am busy unraveling; she immediately sits me down, and while she brings me a glass of water, I think of all the reasons why I should run again. But before I can even ponder the ways to do it, Tyler and the Doctor come walking up to me.
&quot;Hey Tyler, it is good to see you again, well, given the circumstances.&quot;
&quot;Can we please get this over with? I would like to go home.&quot;
&quot;After you then.&quot;
So I follow the Doctor into his rooms, no I know he has already seen what I look like, so he is reserving his comments for the moment. So as I sit behind his desk, staring at a man that I can almost hate the most in the world. Well, not the man itself, but that damn white coat. And as he speaks, I can barely answer him in return.
One question after the other, he scribbles onto a piece of paper every word that I say.
Then the dreaded thing happens, the very thing that I asked Jenna that I did not want to do.
&quot;I need to do some tests on you.&quot;
My entire world gets sucked into a black hole as my mind travels back to that horrible experience, the very experience that I have been fighting for so long to forget. But being probed through one test after the other scares the shit out of me. I laid there in that bed; even though the Doctor kept on telling me that I am okay, I still was not assured that I would get out there. It felt as if I was just waiting for something to happen, something to take me away again.
So I grab Jenna's hand and hold onto it, never wanting to let go. We walk hand in hand to the most dreaded test of all; I just don't like the idea of being confined in such a small place and have this horrible machine moving over and under your body looking for something that you feel that you already know.
After having myself probed from one scan to another x-ray, we find ourselves standing in the Consultation Room where the Doctor wants to do a physical exam, but this is where I draw the line. He has already studied my whole body; there is no way I am allowing him to go any further. So all I do is take Jenna's hand and leave the room.
&quot;I have had enough. I have had enough of having someone studying me.&quot;
&quot;I am so sorry, baby; please let me take you home.&quot;
With that, we leave the hospital and make our way slowly to the car. There is going to be a very long and uncomfortable silence as we find ourselves making the drive back home. But before we get into the car, Jenna turns to look at me.
&quot;Do you want to go get some of that ice cream that you love so much?&quot;
&quot;I think that might even make me forgive you for what you have put me through today.&quot;
Jenna takes my hand in hers, and we make the short walk over to the ice cream shop. If there is something this woman is good with, then it is remembering all the small things that mean a lot to you. I never once told him what flavor I liked; she just kept on watching me every time I ordered.
While I wait for her to order, I get that awful feeling of the unknown creeping into my life again. Yes, I do know that something big is about to happen, and it lies between all those tests. I have learned not to get my hopes up, not to feel that everything is always going to be okay. It is good to have hope, but it can also be your downfall. I have fallen; I don't want to fall again because I don't know if I will get up.
Then I have Jenna standing in front of me. As a child who needs comfort, she hands me my scoop of chocolate caramel crunch covered in sprinkles of Oreos and tiny balls of hundreds and thousands. I smile at her, yet I know that it is fake.
And that is where we sit in silence, and once we are down and find ourselves in the car again, I turn to Jenna.
&quot;Now we sit and wait.&quot;