Chapter 24 back from dark

After what has been the longest month of my life, Tyler has opened his eyes and is speaking. There is no word to describe how I feel that he has finally seen that light and followed it home. But apart from being back here with us talking, I can see there is a confused look in his eyes. There is still something that is haunting him in those eyes.
I need to be patient with him to see what he can remember, I need to see if he can remember what happened that got him here. The thought of having to deal with a ghost of a man all over again does set the fear into my horror. So yet, I wait patiently for him to speak while Doctor is giving him a quick check-up.
"Jenna, what happened? Why am I in hospital.?"
I look at Doctor Cane, waiting for him to tell me that it is okay to Tyler what has happened. "Tyler, you were in an accident. Can you not remember?"
He touches the bandages on his head and that confusion grows even more, "What type of accident?"
I only but quiet waiting that Doctor Cane will step in and talk, yet he leaves me alone to continue to tell Tyler what happened, "You hurt your head."
There is a sting of pain that shoots through his eyes as he starts to work at undoing the bandages, Doctor Cane is furiously trying to stop him from getting it to lose but he is fast losing his battle. So I take Tyler s hand in mine and hold them firmly, "Can you not remember what happened?"
"No, the last thing I remember is wanting to saddle Silverstar and taking her for a ride. How long have I been here? Tell me what happened."
"It is almost a month."
He gasps as he looks at me in horror, then he continues to word at the bandages with a purpose. But before we can stop him, he has them off and his fingers are moving around the edges of his wound. I can see him stuttering trying to find the words yet he is left empty and dry. Just as Doctor Cane wants to cover his wound up again, he erupts ins anger, "What happened."
Never did I think I had to be the one that tells my husband that he tried to kill himself, but now that he can not even remember, well I don t if I should see it as a blessing so I don t have to tell him the truth. He not only needs to know that he shot himself but his wife is actually being charged with it as murder.
So what do I do? The man has suffered too much, do I kick him in the gut and tell him that he is a coward. Perhaps I should just admit that I tried to kill him and made him feel better about himself in someone. Yes, it is messed up and I have no idea what to do. It is only time that Detective Fletcher will be coming around asking him questions.
If I tell him he tried to kill himself, then it ruins him as a man, and I still stand that chance of losing him. If I tell him that it was me, well, I still lose him for how do you forgive one for that. As it stands now, I am still going to end up in jail for a murder that I did not commit.
Taking a rather big breath, I decide to begin from the start and just dig myself into the hole deeper, "I found you on the stable s floor. You…"I hesitate for a few moments before I get the courage to continue. "You tried to take your life."
I watch as a world of seven horrors set over his eyes, he only but shakes his head at me and mumble over and over, "No. No. No," I grab firmly onto his hands that have now wandered off again to discover this wound that is now open. "I would never do that. I would never take my life."
The tears that have been lying underneath the surface erupt and drown his deep brown eyes in puddles of nothing but a tortured mess, "I would never take my life. You know that you know that I would never do that. We have a family. Why would I ever leave you?"
And that is the very same thing that I have been asking Brooke and Detective Fletcher. "Tyler, I don t know, I found you in the stables, you…" I stop before I can even say another word. I do not want to tell him about the letter. If I tell him about the letter then it is going to make it for real, but I am afraid that I have spoken to late, for he then continues.
"What is wrong? What else has happened?"
Doctor Cane nods for me to carry on speaking, "You had a suicide note with you." My head drops to my lap and I try to head the tears that are burning at the corners of my eyes. I have not stopped reading that letter over and over. I had hoped that Tyler would have been able to give us the answers and that I did not have to ask them myself.
"A suicide letter," he asks as he cocks his out of complete confusion. "Did I write a suicide letter before I tried to kill myself?"
I only but nod my head and pray that he does not ask to see it, but it will be yet another thing that I will have to regret today. "I want to see it." He pauses for a moment to make sure he knows what he is asking, "I want to see the note."
It is with a heavy heart that I reach over for my handbag where I have been keeping it tucked away safely from the rest of the world. This note was supposed to be a secret, only I am supposed to have known. Nobody was supposed to have known of its existence, which sadly will be the only thing that decides if I am going to prison or not.
So it is with a very trembling hand that I hand the note to Tyler, the expression on his face is that of nothing but a blank. Either he truly does not know of its existence or he regrets that he had to make it out on the other side to face this demon again. I watch him intently as he starts to read through the letter. A face that has with confusion has now turned in the utmost pain. For a brief minute he stops and he looks me in my very own drowning eyes, then he continues.
"I m sorry.
To everyone who believed in me, I apologize profusely.
You didn t deserve to see me in turmoil. You didn t deserve to be affected by my negativity. It hurt me even more, knowing what I put you through. The way you looked at me—afraid, helpless, hopeless. The way I stared back into your eyes, defeated.
Don t be angry because this was nothing personal. Know that I m gone because I chose to do so. For once, I finished something I started. For once I was brave enough to go through with something risky and dangerous.
Don t be disappointed. I didn t give up, no, on the contrary, all I ever wanted was a reason to persevere. All I ever wanted was to really live, but I didn t know how.
All of you always did (and still do) such an excellent job at living, and I was happy for every one of you. You lit up, elated smiling faces made me smile, although it broke my heart all at once. I felt bad and guilty because you loved me. I tried numerous times to push you away, to make you unlove me so I could take the plunge quicker. My attempts always failed. Your compassion pained me as much as it consoled me. I often wished that having you in my life, and all the other privileges I had was enough, but I could never find what I was looking for. Perhaps it didn t even exist.
I believe in a higher entity, but I don t think he likes me too much. I think he often looks down and cringes, embarrassed that he molded a mistake. Maybe I m in hell right now, but you all knew I never believed in hell. The concept was created to keep us on track and motivate us to do good. What if earth is hell? It sure felt that way.
What if everything we wanted was actually nothing? What if all the things we think are tangible, are actually figments of our imagination? What if life is actually death, and when we die we are truly alive? Wouldn t that make more sense?
For if this is life, surely some of us wouldn t inexplicably yearn for death so badly?
I didn t die because I wanted it to stop, although towards the end I probably partially did. Please understand this. I did it because I had a burning desire in the depths of my soul for something more—a kind of wanderlust for an unknown abyss, a whole world yet to be discovered. Isn t that what we re always told? That the unknown is exciting and enthralling?
Who said death had to be this morbid. If you re crying, please stop. What if my death is a glorious celebration? Could you celebrate it for me? Could all of your dance, and sing my favorite songs around my soulless body?
Again, Janna, please don t cry. Don t mourn. Don t grieve. I am happy now. Happy. Truly happy. Believe this."
Then he looks up at me with a very confused look in his eyes, "Jenna, I did not write this letter."