Chapter 53 life is brutally unfair

As the ambulance gets to the hospital, we find the Doctor is already waiting for us on the steps. But the moment that Tyler sees the wheelchair, he changes his mind.
"I will not go in there if you put me in that thing. I can walk!"
"Tyler, you are still very weak; please, you won't be able to walk so far."
"No, Jenna, I say no wheelchair."
I nod to the Doctor that very reluctantly pushes it away. He comes and helps them to help him out of the ambulance. The instant he sees how pale his face is looking, he is immediately concerned.
"Let's get you to a bed; I need to do more tests."
"No tests!"
If I thought that coming to the hospital mean that they can do tests, it seems that I have completely misunderstood the concept of why we are here.
"Tyler, please, remember how we said they must see what is wrong?"
"Yes?"
"Now, please, they need to do tests to see what has changed from the last time we were here."
He only shakes his head in agreement and moves deeper into my side. He is clinging to me so tightly that I can barely breathe. I know he is frightened, but we need to do this; he will see that everything will be fine. I just know that he will be okay; I know there is a silver lining between all those machines there.
So after they have done the tests that the Doctor wanted, we are patiently sitting and waiting for him to come to give him a physical examination. The moment the Doctor steps inside the room, I see Tylers's face turn to horror.
"Tyler, I am here. I love you; I won't let anything bad happen to you, ever."
As the Doctor comes to sit next to me, he pulls out Tyler's file. But the moment his own face goes paler than his coat, it is not so much the color of his face that frightens me but the words he says.
"Shit."
I am immediately taken aback; I can feel as the coldness creeps over my spine. I have stopped breathing and can hardly speak; the fear to ask him what is the matter is consuming my body. And as I turn to Tyler, I see absolute terror in his eyes; I have never seen him so scared. So I only but squeeze his hand and softly whisper.
"Baby, it is going to be okay."
"What is okay? Is this okay? I somehow don't feel okay. I am supposed to look after you and protect you, and I cant. I am your goddamn husband, and I cannot even do that. It is not okay. This is not okay."
I see those big brown eyes turn into a puddle of water. After taking a few rapid breaths, he swallows hard and then nods for the Doctor to continue.
And it is with great hesitation that the Doctor speaks, "Tyler, we need to operate immediately. I am afraid to say that the clot has grown since the last time that we did these tests."
Tyler remains quiet as he takes the severity in of what the Doctor has just told him. We are not prepared for this; I don t think that one can ever be prepared. We live your life and think that these things do not happen to people like you. You are not faced with a challenge that is only but a question of life and death.
The Doctor rises from his chair and lays his hand on Tyler s shoulder, "I will give you guys a moment."
I listen to his voice as it is starting to tremble, and for the so many times that it has threatened, he finally breaks down and cries.
"Jenna."
"Yes, Tyler?"
"I don't want to die."
And the very words are too hard for him to bear. He rips himself away from my body and rushes out of the bedroom. It is only moments later, and I hear him slam the door of the bathroom. Then, from completely nowhere, I hear his voice echo as he yells at the top of his lungs. What seems minutes later, he comes back into the room; I can see the blood on his knuckles. He must have hit the wall. He is hurting; not only is his heart breaking, but his body is hurting.
After standing in the doorway for what seems to be a few uncomfortable minutes too long, he comes to lay down on the bed again. I can hear by his strained breathing that he is exhausted. I lean over and give him a peck on his cheek.
"Why don't you sleep for a bit?."
"No, I am not leaving you for one minute."
"Tyler, you have not slept in days, please. I am not going anywhere; I will not leave your side."
"Promise me?"
"I promise."
With that, he slowly closes his eyes and drifts off into sleep in no time at all.
As I look at him, he seems so peaceful. I would love to believe that he is dreaming about only good things, but I know that he has nightmares raging through his mind.
So with nothing but my thoughts, I turn my mind back to the what-ifs. And it is this what-ifs that take Tylers's hand while I whisper to him, but then much to my very shock, he opens his eyes.
"What is wrong, Jenna?"
"Tyler, I know that the heaviness inside your heart may seem too much to bear, and we don't know if things are going to be okay. I know we need to find that strength, but for now, for now, tell me that you love me."
"Kati, I love you with all my heart."
"I know that it probably hurts more than anything else ever has, and it sometimes feels like you just cannot go on. What I feel must be nothing compared to what you are going through. The agony and pain on your face kill me. I wish I knew how to take the pain away."
I squeeze his hand a fraction of a bit tighter, my eyes narrow as my heart feels that I need to tell him how I truly feel. Yes, it is going to break him more than me, but perhaps, perhaps if he knows how I feel, then we can find that strength.
"Jenna, I want you to know that my love for you will never cease to exist. I know that the love that we share needs to carry us through this."
"Tyler, every time I have to pick you back up off the floor, it kills me. I want you to know that I am here, my love is here, I am not letting you go."
…Tyler POV…
No matter which way you see it, this is not a battle, it is just life, which is often brutally random and unfair, and that is simply how it goes sometimes.
If I have to go today, I don't want to say that I lost my fight. I did not lose. The way I lived, what I have achieved, I consider it as a pretty big victory. But what is most important, I am unbelievably lucky to have spent this time with the love of my love and my best friend, Jenna. True love and soulmates do exist.
Every day with her is full of hilarity and love. She is genuinely the best wife in the universe. She never wavered when so many people would have run. Even on my worst days, we find a way to laugh together. I love her more than life itself, and I truly believe that a love like that is so special that it will last forever.
Time is the most precious thing in this world and to have shared my life with Jenna for so long is something I am incredibly grateful for. She is my world, and I love every second we have together more than words.
Life is a fragile adventure; we should never forget that every day matters.
I know that it sounds like I have given up; it is not a question of giving up; perhaps it is just being realistic. Realistic is to think that no matter how hard you fight, something can always go wrong.
Yes, this is where I need to have faith.
But faith is hard. Digging for faith when you stare the incredibly scary in the face is not easy. Life is hard. Fighting is hard. But faith is even harder.
And as I watch Jenna that has not moved from my eyes, I know that she carries this for the both of us. But this is a burden that is too hard to bear. How can I expect her to do this for us? I need to stop doubting the determination of Jenna and the Doctor, yet it is really hard to do
What else is hard to do is holding back the tears. I just want to burst out in tears and not stop until my body is weak and dry. What else I want to do is get really angry. Why does this have to happen to me? Why now? Why can I not just get a break? What have I done so wrong that I need to deserve this?
The hand that I have been dealt is not fair.
So as I sit and run these million thoughts through my head, Jenna turns to me, "You have always had high expectations of yourself. I know that every cell in your being wants to give up and wallow because the sadness and pain are unbearable. I want you to take some time and allow yourself that, but then I need you to put two feet on the ground for me. If you cannot do it for yourself, do it for me."
I can see the tears are starting to build up in her already red and puffy eyes. The thing is, tomorrow is not guaranteed; what we have is now.
"Tyler, it might feel like you are stuck in the darkness. But I want you, when you are stuck in the darkness, to wake up and watch the sunrise. Each day, when you feel like you cannot put one foot in front of the other, watch the sun slowly rise through the clouds and know that I am still here for you. And when night falls, and the sorrow rears its ugly head again, go outside and look up at the stars and the moon and realize that when you look up at the universe, I am there.
And just when I am about to speak, she stops me, "You are not dying; you are not going anywhere."
"But what if I am, what if something goes wrong?"
"Don't ever say that!"
I sit up straight and takes both of our hands into mine, then she continues.
"Tyler, you will be here as the Spring showers start to fall, the birds start to sing, and the flowers start to bloom. You will be here in Summer to enjoy the sun on your face, the flowers, the fresh-cut grass, the insanely beautiful summer storms, and rainbows. As Fall begins to come around the corner, you will be here to enjoy the crisp air; you will watch the leaves fall from the trees. You will be here to enjoy each moment."
"Oh, Jenna, I really love you so much."
"Yes, and I love you too. I need you to find that strength. I need you to live with passion and determination. Love is all we have to give of ourselves, and love is what is going to carry us through this unbearable pain. We are going to love big, love fully with every piece of our hearts. We are going to live every day and never leave anything unsaid."
Then she slowly pulls me up into the warmth of her embrace, "Close your eyes, Tyler, and you will feel me inside you; I am here guiding you every step of the way. You will give me the best of your life. You will not die."