Chapter 22

We were seated and I was staring at my plate, unease settled in my stomach as I thought about what I would say. Moving food around my plate, a heavy hand fell on my thigh and squeezed it. My eyes flash to Frode, who was sitting beside me.

“We will talk after we eat. You look like you’re about to faint. Eat something and take a breath.” Frode’s tone was concerned, but stern.

I nodded and took a bite of the food. It was delicious, it always was. Despite its taste, the food settled heavy in my stomach. I took a few more bites and set my fork down. The men were already finished. I’d noticed they finished their meals quickly.

“You done?” Frode asked as he reached for my plate.

I nodded and stood. Erik was behind me within seconds and taking my hand as he led me to the couch. He settled me next to him and took my hand, setting it on his thigh. I smiled and leaned into him, taking in his warmth.

Fear crept into my chest. Would they still look at me the same? They handled violent rogues, what would they think of my violent past. They’d been forgiving when I’d lost control and hurt Erik. What would they think when they find out it’s not the first time I’d hurt someone?

My other mates settled into seat in the living room. Frode sat next to me on the couch with Erik. While Sten and Rune settled into chairs next to the couch. Frode kissed the side of my head as his hand wrapped around the back of my neck, giving it a comforting squeeze. Taking a deep breath, I steadied myself and looked to the coffee table. Maybe not looking at anyone would make it easier.

“So, I’m not sure how much you know of my past, but I figured I’d just start from the beginning. My parents died when I was six. They were killed, and their killer was never found. I remember my mom telling me to run and hide, and I did. I could hear yelling and struggling, but I didn’t see anything-not that I remember anyway. I covered my ears and closed my eyes, and that’s how the police found me hours later.” I took another breath, and released it as the hurt settled into my chest from the loss of my parents.

“I didn’t have any other family, so I was put into state care. Some of the houses were great, others weren’t. I bounced around for various reasons for three homes, some where me, some were the families. The fourth house was where I was for the longest period. It became my home at the age of eight, and I stayed there until I was sixteen. They were a great family.

“They treated me like one of their own children, and I felt like I’d finally found a place where I belonged. They were patient with me and made sure I was supported in every way I needed.” I smiled, remembering them.

“They sounded like they were a real family.” Sten said with a smile.

“They were. They had two other children who were older than me, one was in college, and the other had just turned eighteen. They had done a big party for my sixteenth birthday. Their children had just left to go with some friends and their father had to leave for work, so it was just my foster mom and me. We were cleaning up when I started getting the first signs of my shift.

“She thought I was getting sick, so she sent me to bed and stayed to clean. I don’t remember screaming when I first started to shift, but I must have because my foster mom came into my room. I felt like I was going to be sick, so she helped me to my feet.

“Everything happened so fast after that. I collapsed and she was trying to help me back to my feet when the full change happened. She was so close to me, and I had my arm around her neck. When I started to fully shift, I panicked and held tighter. The next thing I knew she was flipped around so she landed on her back, as I my arm became a leg and my claws sunk into her neck. I killed her. My foster father came home and found me covered in her blood and assumed we were attacked.

“I never corrected him. I stayed with his parents while the house was cleaned. The night after her funeral he commit suicide. The state moved me to another foster house, and I became the girl who survived a home invasion. The houses after that one weren’t as attentive, so it was easy to hide the forced monthly shifts. I stayed to myself and when I turned eighteen and aged out, I’d already started a job and saved for an apartment, and I moved out.” I said, noticing that at some point tears had started falling over my cheeks.

I didn’t look to my mates at first. Silence grew heavy in the living room. Erik and Frode hadn’t changed our position, but weren’t pushing me away, to my surprise. I didn’t know these men well, but I knew honor, and honesty were big for them. Nothing about my past was honorable or honest.

Unable to take the silence anymore, I sought Rune’s face first. Sadness showed in his eyes, but the rest of his expression didn’t give anything away. Sten was staring at the ground between his legs as he leaned forward on his elbows. I took a breath and moved my eyes to Frode. Like his brothers, his face was void of any emotion. Nothing told me what they were thinking.

“Can someone please say something?” I blurted.

“You blame yourself for their deaths.” Frode simply stated, his tone void of emotion.

“Of course, I do.” I shot back; my tone harsher than I intended.

I winced and looked at my hands.

“Sorry.” I mumbled.

“You never told anyone what happened?” He asked, his fingers massaging the back of my neck.

“What would I have told them? I changed into a wolf and killed my foster mother on accident? How believable is that to a human?” I asked, unable to stop myself from leaning into his touch.

“Good point. You never met any other shifters?” Frode shifted so he was face me, pulling his hand from my neck.

“No. I thought I was alone.”

“I can’t imagine having to carry that alone for so long.” Rune said, as Erik squeezed my hand.

Confusion shot through me. No one was mad. No one was upset that I killed someone, and never told anyone. That I’d never confessed to a murder. They were all sorry for my experience and that I was alone. It was not the reaction I expected.

“I’m so sorry.” Sten said, moving to kneel in front of me.

“Wait, I killed someone and you’re sorry?” I asked standing and taking a step away from them.

They looked at me with wide eyes.

“Do you want us to yell at you? Punish you for something you have no control over.” Frode asked, standing behind his brothers.

“Yes, something, anything.” I said, starting to pace.

“That’s why you got so upset with what happened for me. You were forced to relive your first shift, and shoulder the fact that you’d hurt two people while shifting.” Erik said, not meeting my eye.

I nodded and faced the kitchen.

“It’s why you wanted punishment after that day.” He added, to which I nodded again.

“Little one, you never meant to hurt your mom or Erik. You didn’t even know what you were when your first shift happened. She may have died because of your shifting, but you can’t be held responsible.” Frode said, stepping forward.

I stepped back. He was crazy. If I wasn’t to blame who was?

“Then who?” I asked.

“That’s a good question, but I wouldn’t blame you. Little one, you can’t be punished for something you have no control over. I wouldn’t punish you as an outside alpha or your pack alpha. It’s sad, and it hurts. But you can’t let it eat you alive. We can teach you control so it doesn’t happen again, but you still need to leave and need to shift.” Frode said, closing the distance between us and wrapping me in a hug.

I stood frozen, unsure what to do. I’d expected anger and to be pushed away. Instead, my mates were trying to draw me into them. The people who valued order and family in the highest degree weren’t banishing me. They were welcoming me still.

Slowly, I felt myself relax into Frode’s arms. I couldn’t help the guilt that still weighed me down. But maybe with their help and support I could find some sort of peace.

“I don’t think I can forgive myself-“

“We can work on it together. You don’t have to carry this alone, anymore kitten. We don’t expect you just tell us everything and leave it at the door. That’s not how healing works.” Erik said, stepping beside Frode.

I nodded and pushed back so I could everyone. Rune and Sten had moved closer, and Erik was pressed to my side while Frode was against my front. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I belonged somewhere, felt like I had a family.