Chapter 33

I stared at the table like it could solve all my issues. It couldn’t and I knew that. Hurt and anger rippled through the air from my mates. I had relaxed into Frode after my vision and then I’d been scooped up and made a mug of tea-because they have a tea for everything I’m learning. I shared what I’d seen, trying to spare the gore and finer details. They didn’t need them anyway. They had felt my fear and heartache enough to know what I had left out.

“We’ll stop it.” Rune said, grabbing my hand.

His touch was warm and loving. Tingles traveled up my arm from his touch. He wanted to comfort me, but right now it was too fresh. I’d seen him taken from me twice in just a few months, and the more time passed the less I could bare that thought.

So, I did the only thing I could at the moment-I nodded and gave him a small smile. I did my best to shield my doubt and fear from them. I couldn’t meet Sten’s gaze, but I saw him stiffen from the corner of my eye. His posturing telling me he could still pick up on my emotions.

The others nodded at Rune’s words. But they couldn’t promise that. How could they? Only one of us could see the future, and I wasn’t able to see what I wanted-only what I was given.

These past few months I’d been working to defend myself. Strengthening my body and learning maneuvers that would protect myself. I was quickly realizing that while I could hold my own in a fight, I couldn’t protect those I loved.

My heart broke open realizing that they were at risk. Something I’d pushed to the back of my mind since agreeing to mate with them. Tonight, it had been thrown back in my face and I terrified. I could never regret claiming these men, but I couldn’t be to blame for their demise either.

I racked my brain trying to recall everything I’d read about my magic. My eyes flashed to Sten. His body stiffened with unease. He knew what I was going to say, and his eyes pleaded with me to not say it.

“I want to explore my magic.” I blurted.

“No.” Sten snapped, stepping to the table without breaking my stare.

“Yes.”

“Sten, what is wrong with her exploring it?” Erik’s voice was quiet.

It wasn’t often that his quiet brother spoke so sharply, or quickly. Sten turned sharply and looked out the window to the front porch. His hands ran through his hair, and he sighed. His fist clenching at his side. He was just as stressed as the rest of us despite his calm demeanor.

“Males aren’t the only ones that can perform dark Seidr. Some believe that dark Seidr can be used for good without tainting the soul and feeding bloodlust that some vuelvas experience. It’s a gray area without a lot of information.” Sten never looked back at us.

“That’s what you want to explore?” Erik leaned onto the table beside me.

His tone was cautious but carried a ring of reprimand. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. I was growing more frustrated with the overprotective mate. Pausing to gather my thoughts so I could avoid a fight that would surely explode with the already tense air that had gathered around us. I’d learned that with a tact I could express my thoughts without causing an explosion of overprotective alpha.

“Physical training will only help so much. We’re preparing to face what’s basically the apocalypse and I have no offensive or defensive magic. You and Frode can shift in basically immortal weapons. Sten and Rune can sense anything approaching. Sten even has some magic he can wield to help you.” I pushed out of my chair and stood up, pacing back and forth before my mates.

“I don’t have any offensive, or even defensive magic.” Rune’s soft voice broke the silence.

“But you were trained as a warrior since you were a pup. Your body is your weapon, and you know it.” I paced faster.

Everyone silence confirmed my words.

“We don’t know that it won’t affect you. Using dark magic can change a person.” Sten turned and faced us as he spoke, his words bringing us back to the topic at hand.

“But there’s a chance that it doesn’t.” I face him and brace myself off the chair I’d vacated moments earlier.

“Because saving us would be for the greater good?” He snapped.

“Yes.”

“And who decides that? You or the goddess? Will she agree? We are nothing to her and her plans. We are warrior wolves who help uphold our way of life and traditions, but we are but another warrior among many who do the same. We are replaceable.” Sten growled; his hands clenched in fists.

“But am I?” I seethed through my teeth.

No one said anything. It was answers we didn’t have. Were there others like me? Others who would pick up my mantel should it fall?

“If you die, I don’t know what I’ll do. I doubt it’ll be good. I can’t promise that if something happens to you, I’ll be able to keep going. Able to keep pushing forward in ending what we’ve started. Honestly, just thinking about my vision and the emotions I felt then, I want vengeance. It doesn’t make me want to save the life we know. It makes me want their heads.” I snarl before freezing as I realized what I’d confessed to.

Sten’s face dropped, and regret and concern poured from him. He stepped forward and I shook my head. I dropped his gaze and walked to the stairs. I’d had enough of the evening and was looking forward to a clear mind and fresh start that only a new day can bring.

“Astrid,” He said, and I heard a chair scrape as someone stopped his approach.

Soft murmurs filled the air, but I ignored them and closed the door behind me as I entered the bedroom. Stripping out of my clothes I pulled on a large t-shirt and curl up in bed. My mind circling around my confession.

I wanted to hurt someone. The thought made me sick to my stomach but didn’t stop the thoughts that followed. I wanted to learn to use my powers to my full extent with the intent on hurting someone if I needed to.

Protecting my mates was just a gateway to get me to step over the line. I’d felt my magic flare when I’d said the words. It had hummed through me, buzzing to life at the thought of revenge.

If I did it, if I got the vengeance I wanted if they were taken would that turn me into a monster? Would it ruin everything I’d done the last few decades as I tried to balance for taking my foster-parents life?

I hear the door open, but I stare at the wall before me. Whoever came in will make themselves known when they are ready. I feel the bed dip and Erik’s spicy scent fills my nose.

“It doesn’t make you a bad person for wanting revenge for what you saw. It makes you normal, a mate. We don’t think or feel any different about you.” He said, his warm hand resting on my shoulder.

I could sense the sincerity and honesty behind his words, but it wasn’t enough to ease the guilt and sadness that was overwhelming me.

“After my foster-parents I swore it would never happen again. I swore I’d only help others, not hurt them. Hurting you crushed me, and now here I am just a few months later contemplating how I’d hurt those that want to hurt you guys and take you from me. How I’d make them pay for what they did to you, did to us. It hasn’t even happened and I want them to pay.” I whispered.

“A lot has changed in a short amount of time. Nothing will happen now. We’re going to go to a hunting cabin. It’s remote and no one besides our family-our direct family, knows about it. That’s not the cabin you saw in your vision. We’ll be safe there. We leave in the morning.” Erik pressed a kiss to the back of my head.
He left and gave me my space as I heard my mates packing and readying the cabin to be empty. They talked in hushed voices that I couldn’t make out. I ignored it all and let my tears fall silently until my mates joined me and fatigue took over.