Chapter 34

We had been at the cabin for a few weeks, and we were all starting to climb the walls. Frode spoke almost daily with his parents, checking in to see if there were any updates-there never was. It was like every step, every hint we got only led us down a false trail.

Erik and Rune trained, all day every day. I joined them, as did Frode for a few hours. Sten, however, was distant and avoided me like the plague. I’d tried approaching him, but he always had an excuse to leave.

Despite their trying to hide it, I’d also noticed that one of the others was always with me. It was like Sten and I couldn’t be alone. I’d tried asking about it, but it got shrugged off. I’d decided it was going to end today. We barely were mated and were already crumbling.

Erik, Rune and Frode were training. Sten had snuck off to an extra bedroom that he’d claimed as his research space when we first got here. I stood in front of the door, trying to work up the courage to face my mate. Without knocking I opened the door and entered the room.

Sten’s head snapped up and we stared at each other for a few moments. I took the chance to really take in his appearance. He looked exhausted and paler than normal. Dark circles hung below his eyes, and his beard was starting to grow in. Sten looked like a male that had been separated from his mate.

“You would rather make yourself sick, staying away from us than face me? Was my want to pursue my magic that sickening to you? So sickening that you can’t even speak, or be in the same room as me?” I snapped, stepping to the desk he sat behind.

He stayed quiet.

“Do you have nothing to say? You didn’t get your way so you’re just going to give me the silent treatment?” I walked around his desk and stood beside him.

He didn’t turn to face me, didn’t meet my eye. He still stayed quiet.

“How are we supposed to fight the prophecy if you won’t even look at me, let alone speak to me? Damn it, Sten. Say something.” I shouted, not trying to block my emotions.

He flinched and I knew he felt them. The anger of being ignored. The sadness and missing from being kept away. The hurt at his discarding me. He stared at the desk in front of him.

I stood there in silence, fuming as he ignored me. My eyes burned with unshed tears. Turning on my heel I moved back to the door, pausing, I looked over my shoulder.

“If you want to ignore me fine, but at least talk with your brothers. They miss you.” I softly said before I left.

He never tried to stop me.

I walked into the main area of the cabin and saw Erik, Frode and Rune standing in the living area, blocking the way forward. Their faces were a mixture of hurt and concern. I wasn’t ready to talk with them about it yet. They knew I was hurting; knew why I was hurting. But no one could tell me anything. Now I was so infuriated that it was spilling out onto them and that wasn’t fair.

“Astrid,” Frode said, grabbing my arm as I walked by.

“Not now, Frode. I want to be alone.” I tugged my arm from his grasp and grabbed my coat as I slid my boots on.

Stepping into the cold evening, I moved to the porch swing. I took a deep breath, trying to slow my thoughts so I could process them. Closing my eyes, I leaned back and pushed the swing into movement.

Sometimes I wished that I could see what my mates were thinking, and this was one of those times. I knew that would be a violation of privacy, but they were so stubborn sometimes. The door shut softly, and I waited for a scent to fill the air to tell me who was with me.

Spice and pine. Sten.

Slowly my eyes opened, and I turned to face Sten, like he was a skittish deer that would run off if moved too quickly. I waited for him to say something. I’d said my piece, it was his turn.

“Can I sit?” He gestured to the empty space on the swing beside me.

“Of course.” I slid over so I was against the arm of the swing.

He sat, the swing bouncing under his added weight.

“I’m not mad.” His voice was soft.

I stayed quiet.

“Okay, I’m a little mad. I’d probably call it more frustrated that mad. You were so upset about accidently hurting Erik. Accidently hurting your foster-mom has haunted you for over a decade. Those accidents put you through so much pain and emotional turmoil. Now you want to explore magic that will do those things on purpose.” Sten stared out into the woods.

Silence settled over us as I processed what he was saying. He had made a valid point. It had destroyed me when I hurt Erik, and my foster-parents death is something I still struggle with.

“You’re right. But can I explain?” I asked, facing him fully.

He nodded but stayed quiet.

“I had no control over those incidents. I believe that is a big part of why I feel the way I do about them. I never meant to hurt them, but it happened because I didn’t control myself. I’m not looking to go out and find some random person and enter combat with them using my magic. It’s a last resort for me, but something I want to be able to do if I need to.” I explained, trying to keep my tone even.

“What about your oath?” He questioned, referencing my Hippocratic oath I had sworn as a doctor.

“I’m not looking for fights. I’m not learning to use this magic so I can just go berserk on anyone. It’s my last defense. I mean that. If I’m cornered and in a position that it’s me or them, you, or them, I’ll always choose them. I can’t lose you.” I was starting to get uncomfortable.

I was willing to learn to protect my family, but I wasn’t making plans to use it.

“What about your soul? Your bloodlust? I don’t want you sacrificing who you are, who we’ve grown to love for us.”

“We’ll handle that as it comes. Hopefully I won’t have to use the magic enough for it to be a bother. If it becomes a problem, I have you and the other to ground me. I’m trusting you to pull me back from the edge. If I start getting dark or my bloodlust raises, we can make a game plan. Or I trust you and the others to plan to bring me back. Because if anyone could bring me back it’s you. Plus, we don’t know if it’s used as defensive if it will harm me.” I said, placing my hand on his thigh.

He nodded, but still stared out into the woods. We sat in silence for a few minutes. I enjoyed the feel of his warm thigh under my hand. I missed his presence and touch. I’d missed him.

“I’m sorry I pulled back. I had to sort out how I felt about it all before we had the conversation. I didn’t mean to hurt you, or the others. I should have explained and not just withdrawn.” He finally met my gaze.

“I forgive you.” I smiled and leaned into his side.

His head dropped onto mine.

“I’ve missed you, princess.”

“I’ve missed you, too, Sten.” I looked up to his face and kissed his cheek.