Chapter 40

"Thor, will you say something please?"
We were alone in his library, but he hadn't said a word to me since we'd returned from Russia. He just sat and stared at me while lightning flashed in his eyes.
"Why didn't you tell me?"His voice was a low rumble.
"It's not something that I wanted to be known."I sighed. "Especially not by you. I'm humiliated that Huitzilopochtli controlled me so easily."
"It never occurred to you that he might taunt me with it?"Thor glowered down at me. "Do you know how horrible it felt to be blindsided like that?"
"As horrible as someone taking advantage of you in a dream?"I shot back.
"Vervain,"Thor groaned. "You've suffered alone when you didn't have to. You should have told me."
"It wasn't real, Thor."I looked away from the hurt in his eyes. "It was a dream; we didn't actually have sex."
"Oh, it wasn't real?"He shoved my hair over my shoulder to expose the bite marks that had yet to heal. "What's this then; a figment of my imagination?"
"No, it's proof that I need to be more careful around Gods,"I muttered.
"Careful?"His eyes narrowed at me.
"I'm just saying; I'm glad I know how to shield now."I shrugged, trying to look nonchalant when I was anything but. I didn't want to talk about this, especially not with Thor. I still felt ashamed even though I knew I was the victim. "It wasn't sex, Thor. It was a mental attack and thanks to Teharon, I know how to protect myself from it now. That makes me feel safer around you too, I might add."
Without the new shielding I'd learned to create, I may not have allowed things with Thor to go any further. But now I knew I could block him out if I needed to. Which meant that I could safely proceed with him, at least for a little while.
I know it's a little fatalistic, but I had no illusions about a relationship between an ancient Viking god and me working out. Come on; it wasn't as if we'd end up picking out china patterns or anything. I wasn't even sure I wanted to take things further with him, even with the shielding. Thor's kisses were toe-curling madness; I could only imagine what sex with him would be like. Mind-blowing, addictive . . . life-destroying if I was denied it. If I slept with Thor, and he dumped me, I may never be happy with sex again. I didn't like that kind of attachment, that kind of vulnerability. My life is hard enough as it is.
"Safer?"Thor angled himself so he could glare at me better. "Do you really think I could ever do that to you; push my way into your mind and rape you?"
"Wow."I shook my head in astonishment. He was sure good at catching the underlying message . . . and taking it to a whole new crazy level. "That's a little extreme. I was thinking more along the lines of not wanting a god to have access to my mind after we've dated."
"You just assume that our relationship will fail?"
"I didn't say that,"I said and sighed. Why did I say that? I knew he'd take it badly.
"You said; after we've dated. That implies an end,"Thor growled.
"Well, we can't date forever. We're not even technically dating now. I don't think Starbuck's counts,"I huffed. "Either way, there comes a time when dating ends."
"So, you're saying that even if I marry you, you won't like me having access to your mind?"He was staring at me so intently that I almost didn't catch the M word.
"I don't think marriage between us is a possibility, Thor."My stomach lurched. I didn't want to have to face this so soon. I would've liked a few more weeks of blissful denial before I acknowledged the cold hard truth.
"Why not?"His face was flushed and his eyes had gone all twitchy.
I thought women were supposed to be the ones who got upset about a man's commitment issues, not the other way around.
"Come on. Did you think that this could be a long-term thing?"I searched his twitchy eyes, but there was no understanding in them. Was I the first human he'd fooled around with or did he just not care about the future?
"I can think in longer terms than any human can, Vervain."
"Okay, let's talk about those terms."Crap, this was going to suck, but it couldn't be stopped now. "Let's say we're great together."
"I already know that."A smug smile settled over his face.
"Oh, yeah? And how could you possibly know that?"
"I've been in your head."Thor looked at me as if I'd asked how he knew the sky was blue. "I know we're compatible, very compatible."
The smile turned into a leer. I've never seen someone leer so well; expressing every naughty thing he'd like to do by simply raising a brow.
"You're getting me off track."I pushed him back a little. "So, we're good together and then what? You watch me grow old and die? Or do you dump me when I start to sag too much and trade me in for a younger model?"
"I wouldn't leave you because you got old."He scowled.
"So, I'll grow old while you stay as you are, and I'll know you're staying with me out of loyalty even though you'll never touch me. Then I'll die."
I watched him swallow that down. It was a hard pill for me to take too. My throat was constricting in rebellion.
"It's too soon for these concerns."Thor waved his hand as if he could chase the bad thoughts away.
"No, it's perfect timing."Why did I feel as if my world was shattering? "If this goes any further, I'll be in too deep and either way it ends, it'll hurt."
"I would never hurt you, Vervain,"he whispered.
Damn, but he did earnest eyes well. Maybe he'd been a boy scout, a baby god scout, whatever.
"Every man says that at the beginning."I shook my head; reminding myself of other men who'd looked at me the same way before going on to rip my heart out and stomp all over it. "Along with the old; A man would have to be a fool to leave you. Ironically, that one's usually said right before they leave."
"I'm not a man, I'm a god!"Thor grabbed me and yanked me against his chest.
"That's the problem."I should've pushed away from him, but I couldn't. Maybe it was selfish, but I needed some small bit of contact before it ended. Just one more little memory to take with me. So, I soaked in the feel of his body against mine as I went on, "A man could actually mean those words. He could also break my heart, but there's at least a chance that he won't. I could marry a man, have children with him, and grow old with him. I could even be buried with him someday."
"That's what you want?"Thor snorted. "To live a normal life and then rot together when it's over?"
"It sounds better when I say it."
"I can give you children."His eyes were vivid with fervor.
I had to remind myself that I barely knew him. This was way too soon to be talking about children. Then again, I guess I'd started it.
"That's not the point and what would they be anyway; Atlantean or human? Would they grow old like me or live forever like you?"
"Whatever they wanted."Thor looked away with a guilty twitch.
"What was that?"I pointed my finger up at him. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"They'd have a choice, Vervain."Thor sighed, hunched over, and hugged me; pushing my head into the nook his neck made. "There are things I can't tell you about yet, but what I will say is there is hope for us. Just because you're one thing today, it doesn't mean you'll be the same tomorrow."
"You sound as if you're saying I could become a goddess,"I huffed. What poppycock.
"It's happened before."
Oh, hell; he was serious.
"Kuan Ti?"I recalled the Chinese God.
"Among others."Thor leaned back and looked down at me; the surprise evident in his voice. "How do you know about Kuan Ti?"
"I met him at Blue's place. Blue said he'd been a General in the Imperial Army. He meant that Kuan Ti had been human, didn't he?"
"Yes."
"You're not going to tell me any more?"
"I can't, Vervain; it's forbidden. Just don't give up on us because of what may or may not be."
"All right, I'll let it go for now."I pushed out of his arms and headed for the door. "But I need some time to think about this."
"Vervain."Thor started after me.
"No, don't follow me."I held up a hand. "This is me doing you a courtesy. I'm leaving before I say anything awful. Or rather, even more awful. In times like this, it's best just to let me leave."
He sighed, but nodded curtly and let me walk out. I went straight to the tracing room and traced myself home.
Ever since Thor had taught me the spell to trace directly to my house from Bilskinir, things had become a lot easier. Especially when I was trying to leave with my dignity intact. It would have been embarrassing to have to walk back into that library and ask him to take me home.
Of course, that meant that I was completely alone when I arrived on my doorstep as well as completely distracted by thoughts of Thor. So, I didn't see the large shadow detach itself from the others and launch itself at me until it was too late.
The shadow and I landed together in a tangle of limbs, leather, and what felt like fur. I gasped for air as the weight of my assailant pressed against my chest. Consumed with thoughts of breathing, I kicked up with all of my might and became immediately grateful that I was still wearing my hunting outfit. The hook on the back of my boot caught something tender on the down swing, and I heard a yelp as the weight lifted, and I could breathe again.
It was about eight o'clock at night and the Moon was hidden, so I wasn't able to see much but a huge black shape for awhile. The form did look a bit odd, and my attacker was making some weird growling noises, but even all of that in combination with the sensation of fur I'd felt earlier hadn't prepared me for the sight that met my eyes when the Moon finally poked free of the cloud cover.