Chapter 60

An hour later, I was seated between Thor and Teharon in Bilskinir's dining hall. Medvedev's driver was recovering in a locked guest room, and I was still mulling over Blue's proposition.
"Vervain, let it go,"Pan whispered to me. "You can't trust him."
"She can't trust who?"Thor looked up sharply.
"Thanks a lot."I grimaced at Pan.
"Sorry."Pan looked down at his plate morosely.
"Who can't you trust?"Thor took my hand. "Me?"
"No, of course not."I took my hand back and rubbed at my face with it. "It's Blue. Pan's talking about the Aztec."
"And why would you consider trusting him?"Thor's eyes narrowed.
"Because it might mean the lives of hundreds of thousands of people."I sighed.
It was a dilemma leaders had been facing for centuries and a moral debate that never fails to spark tempers. Do you sacrifice one life to save many? A friend of mine had once tried to persuade me by taking the question further. Do you kill ten people to save a thousand? How about a hundred to save ten thousand and so forth. I'd answered yes every time. She couldn't understand my logic; that it was a simple case of numbers.
She argued that taking a life was wrong no matter how many it saved. I asked her if it would make a difference if the lives saved included her parents, her brother, or her husband? What if the life taken was that of a murderer? She had no answer for that. The equation had changed for her, whereas I saw it the same no matter what. I fought Gods for humanity, all of humanity, be they criminals or toddlers. As Spock so eloquently said, Logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. I bet you thought it was some great philosopher who said that. Nope, it was Spock. I don't even like Star Trek, but I agree with the logic.
"Explain,"Thor's curt tone pulled me out of my logical musings.
"Blue showed up after you left."I studied Thor's face. Could I really give him up? "He made me an offer. He says he'll stop his warmongering if I—"
"That's not going to happen,"the finality in Thor's voice grated on my nerves.
This wasn't his decision to make.
"We were just talking about how this was a losing battle,"I said and sighed. I was so tired of fighting. I just wanted it to end. This wasn't the kind of life I wanted and the thought of changing it was attractive, even if it meant living with a lunatic. "Blue's never going to give up."
"And neither are we,"Thor declared calmly.
"I started this to save lives,"I tried another tactic. "I could stop it all right here."
"By becoming a whore!"Thor growled.
"Excuse me?"I leaned back to glare at him.
"Bad move, Dad,"Ull spoke out of the side of his mouth as he focused his attention firmly on his plate.
"What? That's exactly what she'll be if she gives in to him."Thor looked from Ull to me. "I won't allow it."
"You know as well as I do that taking Blue out of the equation would be a huge gain for our side."I barely controlled the tide of my fury. "I'm not so proud that the use of my body matters more to me than that."
"And taking you out of the equation would be a huge gain for their side."Thor was breathing carefully as if he were about to explode. "I can't believe you would even consider this."
"Consider what; sacrificing myself for the good of others?"I leaned back in my chair. "It's kinda what I do."
"That was before."He looked away.
"Before what?"I pinched his arm, and he sucked his breath in sharply and glared at me. "Before I became Rapunzel and you decided to lock me away in a tower? I'm sorry, babe but if I'm not mistaken, I'm the witch here. I should be locking you up."
A strangled, choking sound came from Ull's direction before he murmured, "Thor, Thor, let down your long hair."A lightning bolt zapped the carpet beside Ull, and he looked up in complete innocence. "What I say?"
"Stay out of this."Thor gave Ull a menacing glare before focusing on me again. "You know I don't want to lock you up."
"No, you wanna protect me."I glared at him.
"Why is that so wrong?"Thor huffed in exasperation and then took my hand and pulled me out of the room. "We're going to discuss this privately."
By the time we entered the library, I was enraged, and I didn't even know why. Thor had just pushed all the wrong buttons I guess. If you wanted to piss me off, the surest way to do so was to imply that I couldn't take care of myself. I had completely lost sight of the reason we were fighting in the first place. Blue and all of humanity took a back seat to my injured pride.
"So, what did you want to say to me?"I sat down and laced my fingers over my stomach.
"I don't want you to face Huitzilopochtli again. He's manipulating you,"Thor's voice went soft, and damn if his words weren't reasonable.
"I can't hide from him."I sighed and looked down at my hands; suddenly clenched together in my lap. "I don't want to accept his offer but it may become our best option."
"I don't care about options; I care about you."
"That's very sweet, but I do care about what he can do to my people. I refuse to ignore the opportunity to end this all peacefully."I shook my head. "It would be selfish to do so."
"I tell you that I care for you, and you speak of battle?"Thor looked at me as if I'd stolen the last brownie. And it was a pot brownie.
"Do you want an honorary bitch badge because you sure do sound like an abused housewife?"I snapped at him.
"That's enough, Vervain!"Thor shot to his feet and towered over me. "You will not be whoring yourself to that perverted Aztec! You're staying right here where it's safe, and I will fight him without you from now on."
"Oh? You think you can stop me?"I smirked up at him and it was the last straw on Thor's camel's back.
"Silence!"Thor dragged me to my feet and shook me. I was pretty sure I had scrambled eggs for brains by the time he was done. Can an adult get shaken baby syndrome? "You will obey me, woman!"
Oh, hell no; he didn't just use the O word.
"You're not the boss of me!"I screamed back. I thought I heard laughter coming from the dining hall, but I was too angry to be angry about it, if that makes any sense.
Thor took a few deep breaths and then let go of me and walked away. I rubbed my arms while he stood in front of the fireplace. There were red imprints from his fingers showing up in my flesh already. A fire roared to life suddenly; catching my attention.
"I promised to protect you."Thor rubbed a hand over his eyes wearily.
"Only to get me to come along and help you in the first place."I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist from behind.
He folded his arms over mine and his body shuddered on a sigh. "I didn't know it could be like this."
"What could?"I asked his back.
"Caring for a human,"Thor said softly as he stared into the flames. "I never felt like this with Sif; all turned upside down and confused. She grounded me, and I'd thought that was what I needed. But in the end, my love for her faded away. With you, I've never been happier, but I've also never been more frustrated. You take me to extremes, each emotion compounding the next until my life is like a ship at sea; constantly rolling beneath my feet. I've lost solid ground but then I was never really at home there, to begin with. My heart has always belonged to the ocean."
I went still. Except for my heart which seemed to have grown wings and was trying to burst free of my chest. Was that a declaration of love? I had no idea. I'd never been good at reading between the lines and all of his ocean metaphors were confusing me. Was I the sea or was the sea the sea? Did his heart belong to me or a large body of water?
"Oh, hell."I let go of him and backed away.
"What's wrong now?"Thor turned and faced me as if he was afraid I'd bolt.
"This is just too much, too soon."I ran both of my hands through my hair. "I can't handle this right now."
"What's there to handle?"Thor threw up his hands in exasperation. "Why can't you just accept what I offer you and stop questioning everything?"
"This is who I am."I fisted my hands and planted them firmly on my hips. "I don't believe in fairy tales or happy endings. I'm not Rapunzel, and you're not Prince Charming. Real life sucks. It's full of vampire gods who want to use me and ex-wives who want to kill me. I have to be skeptical. I have to be suspicious. If I play it any other way, I'll wind up dead."
"Life is not all horror."He stepped closer slowly, as if he were approaching a frightened animal. "Reality can be wonderful and there are even some honorable gods."
"Maybe."I smiled sadly. "But a person like me does not go gently into that good night."
"Who hurt you, that you reference love with a quote about death?"His voice was soft, and I couldn't stand the pity in it.
"Why do you assume that I'm hurt?"I felt my jaw clench so hard that I was concerned for my fillings. "I'm not wounded or broken. I'm just smart. I'm wary and cautious but it makes me good at what I do, and I won't stand here and listen to you tell me that I'm somehow less of a woman because I'm too much of a hunter."
"Vervain."Thor reached for me and—as I do every time—I retreated.
Hell, maybe he was right, maybe I had issues, but I wasn't ready to admit it.
"No, I should've known better than to get involved with a Viking gone soft."Crap, that was unfair and the hurt in Thor's eyes screamed it at me, but I couldn't stop; I was on a roll. "You know what your problem is? I'm more of a man than you are."
Oh shit. I knew I'd gone too far as soon as the words came out of my mouth. This was it; the moment it always came to. The moment when I screwed up and they bailed.
"Get out,"his voice had gone cold and my gut clenched in response.
Some little part of me had hoped it would be different this time but who was I kidding? I had practically pushed Thor into dumping me.
I nodded curtly and turned to leave. A vase crashed into the wall beside me, showering me with shards of porcelain, and I spun into a wary crouch. Thor was slumped in a chair, staring into the fire, clenching and unclenching his hands. I just shook my head. He sure was proving me right; throwing things are a woman's way. No offense ladies, sometimes it's all we can do.
I walked down the hall toward our room. Our room, ha, not for much longer. Oh, well; it had been good while it lasted. The dining hall was deathly silent as I walked by, and I couldn't bring myself to go in and tell everyone goodbye. They'd find out from Thor what a supreme bitch I was soon enough.
What the hell was wrong with me? Why did I say such horrible things? It happened every time a man got too close. Without fail, I'd panic and find a way to screw it up.
I thought of my friends—Jackson and Tristan—as I packed. They had no problem keeping it together. It had taken awhile for them to get together but once they had, it was a done deal. I, on the other hand, was the exact opposite. I could get men like crazy. They fell for me hard and fast: Exhibit A. Thor. But they also got up and dusted themselves off just as quickly. That was the root of my men issues. I've heard proclamations of love followed up by awkward silences too many times. Poor Thor had paid the price.
Nick wandered up to me, and I gave him a hug. "At least you'll always love me right?"
He purred, and I basked in the small comfort before I put him into his cat carrier. I was packed and ready to go in fifteen minutes flat. I hadn't brought that much with me, and I wanted out of Asgard as fast as possible. So, I went directly to the tracing room and with my luggage in one hand and the cat carrier in the other, I chanted the spell to take me home. When I finished, I was standing in my living room, breathing a sigh of relief.
"Well, I narrowly dodged that bullet,"I said to Nick as I let him out. "To think I could have ended up falling for that giant pansy."
I thought about the way it felt to be held by Thor, his electric scent, and the color of his eyes when they filled with lightning. I saw his body over mine, felt the slide of his skin and his hands. The horror of what I had just destroyed washed over me, and I sank to the floor next to my suitcase. I don't know when I started to cry, but I know it lasted until I was racked with sobs and gasping for air. Nick rubbed against me, and I firmly shook myself out of it. He always knew when I needed him.
"Yes, you're precisely right."I scratched his neck. "There's one more thing I've got to do before I can wallow in self-pity."
I stood in the center of the room and chanted the words to ward my house against Thor again. There's always that one thing a woman does when she's decided a relationship is over. Some burn their ex's picture, some trash his letters, some erase his number from their cellphone. I just learned the closing ritual for leaving a god. You had to reset the wards.
"There."I stripped as I walked back toward my bedroom; leaving sad little piles of clothing in my wake. "Now, it's over."
The really messed up part was; I still didn't know what to do about Blue.