Chapter 65

After the last dream I had with Blue, I did my best to barricade myself from him. As soon as he entered my dreams, I'd encase myself in a glass bubble and completely ignore him. He'd eventually go away. No one likes to be ignored. But after awhile of that, he started projecting images of us together all around my barricade. It was a low blow and it was hard to ignore so I came up with my most cruel and brilliant move yet. I imagined Thor inside the glass with me.
It was cruel not only to Blue but also to myself. While I was there, I was so happy. Through these interactions with Blue, my dream-world had become almost as real as my waking one. So, when I brought Thor into it, it was as if he were truly there with me. All I had to do was think about him, picture him, and he appeared. But when I woke, I had to face the fact that I had ruined everything between us, all over again. I had to experience the aching loss of him as fresh as the first day.
Anyone who's been through heartache knows it's a pain you'd do almost anything to stop. I was drawing it out by dreaming of Thor—tearing open the wound every morning—and yet I continued to bring him into my dreams every night. Wouldn't you, though? If you could have your lost love back with you every night in your sleep, as real as if he were truly there, wouldn't you do it? Maybe I'm weak, maybe a bit pathetic, or maybe I'm just a masochist.
The first time I imagined Thor with me, Blue went into a rage. All I did was hug Thor; imagine his arms around me, his clean scent enveloping me. It was very PG, but Blue reacted as if I were performing a sexual act in front of him. He slammed himself into the translucent walls I'd erected; shouting things I couldn't hear but which must've been real doozies. I ignored him and soon he faded out completely in light of the man holding me.
I knew I missed Thor, knew I cared deeply for him, but I had no idea of the extent of my feelings until he held me again. The dream Thor said everything I wanted him to say. Things like how much he missed me too, how he'd been foolish to let me walk out, how much he wanted me to come back. I had simply held him tighter and let all of those beautiful words wash over me until I believed them; until I believed the lie.
As I said, it was cruel to both of us but, eventually, Blue would leave, and I'd be left alone with Thor. So, I suffered the worst. I built a whole new relationship with my dream Thor. I told him things I couldn't tell the real Thor. I bared myself as I'd never done with a man before and my perfect, dream Thor listened. He held me and whispered his secrets right back. It was the way I'd always wanted to be with a lover but had never allowed myself. There, I could be free. I didn't have to worry about betrayal or the future. Anything was possible in my mind, that's what Teharon had said.
So, night after night, I went back to Thor. Even after Blue stopped appearing. It got more and more intense. Long talks and passionate sex that would leave me shaking and wet when I woke up. It was so unhealthy for me; I knew that. I had triumphed over Blue but had created my own hell in the process. I needed to stop dreaming of Thor if I ever wanted a chance to move on. I finally went to sleep one night with the intention of leaving Thor out of my dreams.
At least consciously I did. My subconscious must have had other thoughts because he was waiting for me. It was the same room I always envisioned; his bedroom. There Thor was, sitting on his bed, and when he saw me, he stood and smiled. But the smile disappeared when he saw my face.
"No."Thor came over and pulled me in tightly against his chest. "Don't do this again, darling."
"I can't get over you if I keep dreaming about you."I jerked away before I gave in to my own fantasy.
How crazy was that? I was basically arguing with myself over an imaginary relationship. I'd officially lost my mind. That's what dwelling on a hopeless situation had done to me. Instead of doing the healthy thing—crying, eating lots of ice cream, and moving on—I'd made a make-believe world where everything had remained the same, and it had driven me nutso.
"You don't have to get over me."His eyes pleaded. "I'm right here."
"You're not real."I held up a hand when he started forward.
"Yes, I am."He'd been telling me for weeks how it was really him, not some figment of my imagination.
But that was exactly what I'd wanted Thor to say. I knew where I was. I wasn't so far gone that I couldn't tell when I was dreaming.
"Stop it!"I forced the room to change. We stood on a stark expanse of cold white marble.
"Vervain."Thor ran a hand through his hair in an achingly familiar gesture. "You called me here. We have a link, just like you and Blue. Why can't you believe that it's been me this whole time?"
"Because you say exactly what I want you to say."I laughed almost hysterically. "Why am I arguing with you? You would never come to me and just immediately forgive me after the horrible things I said to you. Life isn't that easy."
"We were both very angry that day."Thor sighed deeply. "I know you didn't mean what you said. Let's just move on. Let me come to you if you won't come to me. I'll be there in five minutes, and you'll have your proof that it's really me in here."
"You can't."I shook my head at my own obstinacy. "I've re-warded the house against you."
"You what?"Oh, there was a look I remembered. It was at times like this, when my mind added those little details, that I could almost believe it really was Thor.
"We're over. It was my way of ending the relationship."I wondered if this was my mind's way of ending things again. Maybe I should tell him yes, and then when he didn't show up, I'd have my closure.
"You think I'd hurt you?"Thor took my upper arms in hand and turned me to face him. "I'm sworn to protect you. Forever, Vervain. No matter what happens between us, I am unable to harm you."
"Physically, yes."
"Ah, here's the truth at last."He let me go. "You're afraid."
"I'm cautious."
"No, you're scared shitless,"he ground out. "You're afraid of loving me and of me not loving you back. Or even worse; of me loving you back, and then you wrecking it somehow."
"See."I pointed at him. "Only the Thor I imagined would know that."
"Vervain."He let out a frustrated breath. "I've been here in your head with you for weeks. I know you pretty damn well. I even know why you're afraid, and I can honestly tell you, you have nothing to fear with me. I love you, Vervain."
"I love you too."I felt a tear drip down my cheek as I sent him away.
I woke with renewed heartache, as usual, but this time it was accompanied by the hope that it would fade. I had released Thor. Now, I could move on. Blue was gone too so I could go back to dreaming like a normal person. The thought got me out of bed with a better outlook. I would go back to my old routine, where I just killed Gods instead of falling in love with them. I stopped in front of my bathroom mirror and stared at the pale face reflected there. I loved him. I'd finally admitted it. I loved Thor.
"Too little, too late, you idiot."I hung my head and ran the water as I told myself that all the things he'd said to me in my dreams were just my imagination. I'd fallen in love with my own ideal man. He wasn't real. "Then why does it feel so real?"
I washed my face and headed out to the kitchen to make some coffee. At least this whole twisted experience had made me realize something important. I couldn't trade myself to Blue for humanity's sake. Yes, I was a selfish bitch. As much as I thought of myself as a soldier for the greater good, I couldn't make the ultimate sacrifice. I wanted to live. I wanted to love.
And I wanted to kill Blue.
As I flipped on the TV and started to make some breakfast, I realized that it was the only solution. I had to kill Blue. After getting to know him, getting to know his motivations, it wasn't something I'd enjoy doing, but I knew it was my last hope. There had to be a way. As powerful as he was, removing his head would still kill him. I had to focus on that and on the fact that I had the upper hand. He wanted me. I could use that. I just had to come up with a plan.
"Three bodies were found in an alley off Lewers street last night,"the reporter announced dramatically from my TV screen.
Well, that got my attention. I spun around and went into the living room to watch. The petite brunette was standing in front of a taped off alley where a plethora of police people were scrambling about. Hawaii didn't have a lot of crimes like this so HPD was in a tizzy.
"Honolulu Police are not releasing all the details so far, but we've been told that all three victims are Caucasian; two females and one male. The bodies were discovered by this man, Mr. Raymond Delacruz. Mr. Delacruz, can you tell us how you made this gruesome discovery?"
The camera panned over to a young man in an Ainokea tank and jeans. His dark eyes were glazed, his entire body randomly twitching. He looked at the camera, at the alley, then back again before answering.
"Yeah, ah."He swallowed convulsively. "I went out to empty the trash last night after we cleaned the kitchen. I saw what I thought was a stack of mannequins lying by the dumpster."He gestured wildly and then took a deep breath. "But they weren't dummies. When I slammed the lid shut, it hit the pile and one of their arms flopped out, and I just knew. I knew they were bodies."
"That must have been a shocking experience for you,"the reporter prompted calmly.
"Shocking?"He snorted. "Yeah, shocking. They were so white. I mean, I know they Haoles and all but they were real white. I don't think they had any blood in 'em."He started to shake. "I ran back in, and we called 911."
"Thank you, Mr. Delacruz."The reporter droned on, but I didn't hear any more of it.
I sat there in a state of shock; my coffee forgotten as I processed it all. Three victims piled neatly in an alley, drained of blood. Who would do that? Who could do that? It stank of vampires. Which meant it was probably Blue. Was he so angry at me for the dreams that he'd sent out his minions to kill indiscriminately? The mere fact that I didn't want to believe that he'd do such a thing showed how much Blue had gotten to me.
"I'm the damn frog,"I muttered.
You can boil a frog alive by placing it in a pot of water and just slowly turning up the heat. The poor thing would just keep adjusting to the temperature, never realizing it was becoming an accessory to its own murder. All it had to do was jump out to save itself but it wouldn't. Mr. Frog would just sit there enjoying the Jacuzzi.
Blue had done that to me. He'd sweet talked me, showed me parts of himself, and opened up about his past and his family until I thought I knew him. When actually, he was just turning up the heat, little by little. In a way, I was almost thankful to him for showing me his true nature. It would make it so much easier for me to kill him.
"Maybe it's just a human killer."I finally took a sip of my coffee and calmed a bit. "I could be overreacting."
I went back into the kitchen to finish breakfast, but after I finally managed to swallow it all, it just sat like a rock in my belly.