Chapter 22

Thomas was certain that his silence was acutely noticeable to Avril. Hell! He Didn't know if he would speak again for the next half hour, at least!

He didn't want or intend to have her feel ostracized. Yet, here he was staring at her as if she didn't speak English.

To be honest...and he was pretty honest with himself...he was in a weird way grateful for Nate not wanting to be with her. He knew that sounded selfish and a bit insane but he couldn't help it. It wasn't as if he could give anything better. He had long learned that relationships were not for him. They left a bitter taste in his mouth. So, he was very selfish.

He felt guilty to. Guilty that he'd even thought of seducing an innocent... Especially when he had nothing long term to offer her. He was one sick puppy. All those nights he stayed awake wondering how soft her body would feel next to his, betting himself that she would make the sweetest sounds if only he reached out and caressed her.

In his head, he had been a brute. He'd assumed she'd been well versed in the art of lovemaking. Not verse...but aware. Hell, the thought of her innocence had him using words like lovemaking instead of his usual cruder variation of the act.

How could he have fantasies about this girl who still saw the world in colour. So much that she has been waiting, saving herself for someone.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.


He was undeniably ashamed. If he couldn't have her then, then he sure as hell couldn't have her now. He shouldn't. He couldn't do that to her. He wasn't a permanent resident in her life...in anyone's life and as a result he couldn't... Wouldn't dare.

She needed someone who entered with the intention to stay...even if it didn't turn out that way...not someone who entered knowing departure and separation was inevitable.

"Guys, really need to stop, reacting this way." Avril broke the silence exasperatedly. She pushed back on her chair as she dropped her napkin on the table but before she could get up, Thomas grabbed a hold of her arm. She fell back into her seat.

"I am sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"Listen, its really not a big deal. So what if I have never even kissed a guy? Everyone starts of that way. I am not asking for marriage and babies. To be honest, I wouldn't have minded having a physical relationship with him... with anyone, but it must be more than just sex, and it's going to be that way even after I lose my virginity."

"Avril..."

"Can we switch topics now?" She asked angrily.

Thomas sighed. "Can I ask then, how are your feelings with regards to Nate?" He was holding his breath again. He knew what he wanted to hear but he knew that the possibility of Avril feeling nothing towards that boy was slim. At yet, he hoped.

Avril raised her brows. The question was too vague for her to attempt to answer. She didn't know how she felt about in him general. Her pride and ego were trampled on and despite that, there was a friendship between them that she could not in good conscious throw-away. She knew she couldn't be angry at someone for not liking her, it was their decision but her ego was bruised.

"Are you heartbroken over him?" Thomas questioned. The use of the word heartbroken feeling weird and out of place in his vocabulary. He spent the last few years of his life courting women with the sole objective of having sex. Nothing more, nothing less. Having a conversation about heartbreak was strange to him.

"No. It was just a crush. I was a bit shocked at first but I had long prepared myself for it not working. I just never thought that he felt the same and when he said he did, my pride was wounded. I just feel a bit stupid and unwanted." She was playing with a bracelet on her left hand. Her eyes unable to meet Thomas'.

"So it's less about him but more about the way he made you feel from him confession?" Thomas questioned. That hope he'd been hanging on to swelling in his chest.

Avril nodded. He felt relieved. He didn't want her to feel strong emotions for him...for any man. He wanted Avril to want him.

Did he mention he was selfish?

Unwanted. That word rolled around in his brain. He didn't want her to feel unwanted. Hell! How could she ever be? From the time they walked into this place, she had already been undressed over a dozen times by the stares of hungry males...even their waiter.

Thomas shook his head. He needed to stop thinking about how much he did want her. How much he wanted to savor those lips, coax them open with his fingers and his tongue until she learned his rhythm...only his rhythm. He wanted to hear her moan and tighten her fists in his hair or around his neck. He wanted his lips to trail kisses along her neck as she twisted wantonly to give him full access. He wanted to be the one to make her body and soul aware of her sexual desires. He wanted to be the one she explored with, learned with.... the one she begged to satisfy her, to touch her... He could feel himself hardening at the thought of having her body for his sole pleasure. The thought of him being the only man to touch her urging him to take her home and teach her how sweet the dirty thoughts in his head could feel.

For fuck's sake! He cleared the mental images out of his head, the image of Avril nude refusing to leave.
Thomas hadn't realised that he'd said those words in a muttered breath. It was soft but not so much that Avril was unaware.

"What's wrong?" Her eyes widened, and she flushed as if she never heard someone swear. She usually found it vulgar when she heard men swearing but everything Thomas said causing her skin to heat. Avril may have had zero physical knowledge of sex but her mind had conjured up images of Thomas undressing her, his lips exploring every inch of her body. She desperately wanted to feel what it would be like to have this God-like man caressing her.

"Remembered something I forgot to do." He brushed it off and reminded himself that he had to stop such dangerous thoughts.

Avril didn't believe those words but she let it slide. If he wanted to tell her, he would. She wouldn't intervene in his space. She couldn't believe that they just had that conversation about her virginity. Well in a small, weird way, she did believe it. She had never felt as comfortable with a male as she did with Thomas. She argued with him, insulted him and she felt comfortable. She was okay with him seeing her as she was. It was a way she never thought she would ever feel. Not to mention he had even seen her naked already! She coloured at the memory but when she remembered it, she didn't remember ever feeling embarrassed around him.

She didn't dare over think the effect Thomas had on her. She sure it was one-sided. Just like the way she had missed him over the past weeks. If she was honest, she had missed him more than she was upset over Nate. The house felt empty without Thomas there revving up her temper and driving her insane. It was quiet and lifeless.

She only hoped the life had returned for a while longer.

Avril kicked herself. She made a mental note to deal with her attachment issues. It wasn't normal for her to get this attached. Maybe it was the homesickness? It had to be something because it really didn't make a lick of sense.

"Are you," Thomas inhaled deeply, his mind still whirling around the fact that she was a virgin. "Have you done other things before?" He eyed her.

Avril furrowed her eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"Sexually, that is." He saw the confusion on her face. "You never had sex, but has anyone ever touched you," his voice lowered. He didn't know why he was asking questions he didn't want to know the answer to. "down there?"

Her face colored, "I told you I haven't even been kissed. One step at a time." she responded.

"Then the other night, before Austin came, that would have been--" His voice trailed off when he saw her sink down into her chair. He sighed. He had been upset at the interruption that night, but now he had to be grateful. He had never intended to stop at just a kiss and he would have made a huge mistake.

Thomas nodded to himself, letting the conversation die. For the remaining hour, they forgot about the previous topic and focused on lighter topics surrounding school and work and then they went home.

Thomas stayed awake unable to concentrate on work so he poured himself a glass of whisky, hoping it would numb his thoughts and desires. Avril tried to finish her fifty-page reading assignment. Her mind feeling more at ease, knowing life had returned to this house. It felt awake and happy and she read in peace.