11- Relationship and femenine energy

I met Kate at a Traffic Models fashion show when we both were trying our luck in the modeling world. I couldn't find my heels because of some kleptomaniac model, and she was afraid to walk the runway because the girlfriend of the guy she was sleeping with was in the front row. I distracted the girlfriend by asking her some nonsense, and Kate lent me her heels. We instantly connected. Kate, just like me, constantly suffered from long-distance relationships and compensated by modeling and sneaking guys into her room for make-out sessions. Modeling was going well for me. I enjoyed being admired, and now, with a low self-esteem since Patrick had dumped me, I compensated by working alongside my friend in some fashion shows. Since I was little, my mother had enrolled me in modeling academies, hoping that I would stay slim and grow taller. "You're going to be a beautiful model," she used to say. In the end, I never reached 5'7". But I learned to use fashion as a catalyst, projecting my feminine energy into any art form. Being at Traffic Models was fun and liberating. I used my masculine energy by being a warrior and rescuing animals. Continuing with my life and leaving Patrick in the past were my daily challenge. All human beings possess a balance of both energies, but some develop one more than the other.

Kateberly was also a warrior, the kind that makes you bow your head in admiration. Kate's mother passed away from cancer when she was nine years old. Since then, she supported herself by working in modeling, and her older brother Ronald took care of her until she turned 18. Kate was a Virgo sun sign with an Aquarius rising sign, and she had a natural style that truly reflected her authenticity. She started modeling for artists until she realized she could make more money by studying in an academy and finding an agency. She had Latin features, golden skin, straight brown hair, and legs that seemed to go on forever. Slim and tall, the most beautiful among my friends. Her older brother Ronald helped her with expenses and had moved to Panama, where he practiced professional karate. So, Kateberly, without parents and with her brother far away, only had us in Spain. My pada (that's what we called each other) planned to finish her medical degree once she saved enough to afford her studies. And she would someday become the doctor she promised her mother on her deathbed. She blended medicine with makeup to keep the memory of her parents alive in her.

Her father was a pilot, and her mother was a flight attendant, so her dream was to travel through the skies like her mom did in life, visit many places, and save lives. None of this could be guessed at first sight. Because my pada, Kateberly, looked fresh, full of energy, and open to any experience as if she had never been hurt. In Córdoba, they called her "Pada," and in New York, I had adopted her as "Pada." We were confidants, drinking buddies, and we shared the true meaning of friendship.

I smile when I'm angry
I cheat and I lie

On the last Saturday of February, we threw a surprise party for Leslie's birthday. Suddenly, I found myself surrounded by lawyers, university students, and the girls' colleagues, beer, and two slices of cake, one covered in extra thick glaze and one chocolate that had lost its original flavor on my palate due to vodka and carbonated beer.

I do what I have to do
To get by

Finally, my tolerance for social events came to an end when reggaeton and bachata songs started playing, reminding me of my ex-girlfriend. Then Patrick became that face that I would never stop looking for in the crowd, even knowing that I wouldn't find her. Although months have passed since the last night we spent together, I still felt her presence just as strongly. I left the apartment and went up the stairs to the rooftop. The place where I used to take refuge when I needed to disconnect from the world. Looking at the stars always comforted me, but that night none of my old relatives seemed to remember that I needed their company. The sky was clear, and all I could see was a dark and empty void, like the hole I felt in my chest. I sighed, looking up, and shrank under a blast of freezing air. The icy cold filled me with the needed calmness. I spotted some old wooden stairs next to a door at the end of the rooftop. I sat down to eat my cake and finish my vodka drink. The sound of the music now was just distant vibrations that seemed to come from the ground. I preferred to listen to the Backstreet Boys and let out my frustration Old School style rather than listen to that music from Prince Royce and Aventura that reminded me so much of Patrick. On the second bite of cake, I realized that I didn't really have an appetite and I lit the only cigarette I had hidden in my lace underwear. With trembling lips and the cold pinching my skin, I smoked my Marlboro Light.

A shadow began to grow larger and larger in the hallway, which was illuminated by the only light bulb in the room. A tall and thin woman stared at me for a few seconds before walking to one end of the rooftop, pretending to examine the nonexistent stars in the black sky. I smoked, feeling her presence, aware that I appeared as the attractive girl in the short dress who had come up alone to smoke on the rooftop, bringing along two pieces of cake, possibly too drunk and melancholic to continue at the party. That's just how I am. Always analyzing myself through the eyes of others. Accustomed to being observed by others for centuries, perhaps, when people looked up at me from the earth, while I remained suspended in the sky. And usually, I don't like what I see. It's because of Chiron, my illusory wound, which is in the sign of Leo. So, even though I desire to be the center of attention, I'm terrified of making a fool of myself and being seen in a bad way by others. It's something I hide, of course, but in my mind, I am a tidal wave of insecurity that constantly consumes me when I try to be spontaneous and authentic around others. I am very harsh on myself, a characteristic of Lilith, my black moon, in Leo, and my Chiron, insecurity about drawing attention, but a desire to be the center of attention in the Leo sign. Complicated, isn't it? This is how all humans are, and astrology is one of the most honest ways of psychology that I have found to understand myself.
I once read that true happiness is achieved when you learn to live without caring about what others think. I disagree with that theory because I could have self-esteem, personal value, and self-assurance, or I could even excessively incorporate the weaknesses of my ego: being egocentric and falling into arrogance in the worst cases. But my heart was humble, pure like that of any star that still managed to shine. And when you care about people, you always end up caring about how they see you. You want to please them, fill their lives with light, fulfill their desires, and not disappoint them. I think that's what it was, being accustomed to being observed made me very self-critical, feeling the responsibility to impress everyone.