10- Memories in a birthday night

The name Charlie comes silently into my mind every morning, reminding me that he was real, that he still is, just like my past star life, and the sunlight that wakes me up every morning. Sometimes it comes with a stomach ache, with an annoyed expression and blank eyes, sometimes with resignation or shame, sometimes with indifference, but his name always comes to me every morning. You already know that Charlie was an artist musician from Los Angeles, a passionate being and the sex god, who made my heart beat in unison with his heartbeat. His absence is the second part of the first lapse that you still don't know, and that being separated and then reuniting is one of the causes of global warming. I was born with a fiery temperament that only calms down when I feel the cold of the night from the rooftop of my apartment. But the most important thing you need to know is that when Charlie left my life, I missed him so much that I wrote him letters every day.

I wrote in a trance with the same need for coffee in the morning. I was releasing a crossword puzzle of words to string together our feelings; but now I only write to keep myself awake in a dream. I can't build my life based on a utopia to be with him because it doesn't exist. Now he is not real except in my memory. Nothing would make me happier than being able to dream of him and know that it's him, but what I dream of Charlie is only a part of what I remember and fear of losing him. With time, I will forget until I can't remember the triangular shape of his smile, the left dimple on his cheek, the freckles that cover his forehead and the bridge of his nose, and the touch of his skin similar to a peach, and above all that glow that made my soul float full of serenity to the rhythm of the music that came from his chest every time he spoke to me.

In these pieces of yellow paper hidden among old books and documents from my past that will slowly parade throughout my life, I can find him. All her complexity and all her perfection only exist in the reality that separates us with the edge of my tongue, loaded with silence. Not bad for a scorned veterinarian, huh? Oh, but no, my friends, this is not scorn, nor unrequited love, nor madness, nor obsession; my psychoanalyst told me the same. This was simply - I am - me. And now I will tell you my story along with the soundtrack of my life, songs that rinse my days but cannot clean her traces from my skin. In my secret life… In my secret life…

Once Charlie left for Los Angeles, my friends and my job kept me afloat. My cousin Leslie and I had rented an apartment near UAB, where she was studying Law. Then we met Virginia, a Basque girl who was also studying Law and attending Legal Regime classes with Leslie. And after Virginia came Kateberly, my roommate, who was in her first year of medicine; she moved in to live in our apartment. In our apartment, everyone was heterosexual except for me; I always loved Charlie.

I was starting to practice veterinary medicine and had my own clinic after moving to New York. I woke up every morning thinking that today was the day to operate on the chihuahua that I had seen the day before with a stye in its eye, Kyra. Or that today was finally the day for the large Rottweiler, Tyrant, to undergo curettage, as he only had a criminal-sounding name and had arrived with large wounds on both hind legs that week. However, I was feeling discouraged about life those days; I had lost a considerable amount of weight, and my platinum blonde hair was darkening like all stars do when they lose their shine. Some nights my hair shines and sparkles, and my heart fills with brightness as I laugh with my friends, but I have realized that I have lost my natural shine. Maybe I will never fully ignite it in my chest again. I have questioned destiny a lot… sometimes I don't understand why I had to meet Charlie if I would lose him in the end. I could have lived my whole life without knowing that I was a fallen star, longing for him unknowingly. I became more human than ever when I fell into the traps and crosswords of destiny. I saw you this morning… You were moving so fast…

Well, that's how I was, without shine and lacking motivation. Quite sexy, huh? Lately, my nipples marked under the tiny blouses were the only thing keeping me in the "dazzling” standard, considering that being scandalous and sensual always makes you beautiful if you have Venus in Cancer and Lilith, the femme fatale archetype, in Leo. A sweet and fiery seductress. Tempting but never yielding, that's what I dedicated myself to—being completely single, but never alone. Sweet and passionate by nature. My self-love survived, but I lost much of my essence when I lost Charlie. The problem was that I gave him my whole soul. And now I had to be reborn and heal it; some nights I could barely breathe when I realized that he was gone. I avoided my best friend Gabriela, a woman, at all costs. Gabriela was my confessor for years, so seeing her once I broke up with Charlie was very difficult because I couldn't hide my sadness from her; it was too much to bring up the topic and yet ignoring it was even worse. I loved and missed Gabriela, but I only saw her two or three times a month. I avoided any slap of reality that reminded me of Charlie, how much I wished to be by his side one day. How much I wished to love him for lifetimes, to be able to give him my heart. I only felt safe in dark and empty places, like eternal night, in solitude, without the need to shine, or to feed on being admired by anyone's gaze. In the night and in solitude, I felt free. I never wished so much to shine in the sky again after feeling what it was like to have your soul broken; then I understood how much human beings could suffer for love.

Can't seem to loosen my grip on the past.

My hair lost its shine and my dark circles accentuated my delicate doll-like features, so walking through life with makeup and looking beautiful was my only excuse. I have always been somewhat vain; that was because of my Venus conjunct the Sun. I had my Venus in Cancer, which I shared with Charlie, just like our Moon in Taurus. We were bound together by that Venusian energy: feminine and sensual. Combine the Moon ruler of Cancer with Venus, the goddess of love, and the result is quite unbearable. Pink love and fantasies. However, when I looked at myself in the mirror, I allowed myself to cross over to the edge of "dead inside" and find in my sad eyes the story I lived with Charlie. I once had clear eyes, the color of the sea, with the iris blended into the reflections of a water mirror. They always brightened when I laughed and looked at Charlie shine. Now they were just a black hole. However, my hair was still blonde, although it had dulled and no longer shone as silky as before. I never had a sadder gaze and drier hair than when Charlie left. And I miss him so much; there's no one in sight.

Anyway, that's how I was, full of sadness. And the memories of Charlie extended in my mind like the sound of running water in the distance, towards the sea. At the end of February, we were waiting for spring and celebrating Leslie's twenty-fifth birthday. We lived in a student apartment in the Horta neighborhood. I shared it with Leslie, my cousin, almost like a sister, who had graduated two years ago. She was currently practicing law and getting a PhD. Virginia, my friend, who was in her last year of Law at UAB, and Kateberly, my other friend studying medicine from Cordoba. Kate was the most extroverted of the four, restless like the sea, always full of energy and vitality. She injected happiness into my life. They were good friends and beautiful human beings.