32- Very passionate

I don't want to find an object, a person - I said, making quotation marks with my fingers in the air - Maybe an activity. I like going to the gym and taking modeling classes. What am I supposed to do in that case? Look for someone like Paola or put an ad in a catalog?
You have to be patient, and focus all your energy on channeling it towards this new object. Melisa has told me that she is your partner and that is wonderful. Embrace a new opportunity to love her and surpass yourself, let someone new touch your skin, ignite your passion, awaken new expectations in your life.
I don't conceive love as something rational, I am very passionate.
You have problems overcoming that melancholic side that has taken root in you because of your loss. In part, you have an identity problem… - She said, writing my case in her notebook - You tell me that you have closed your social media accounts and made some private, by not wanting to be seen in public, nor be seen by Paola, you confirm that you care about what others think… Hmmm - The doctor wrote quickly with her pen and I watched her dumbfounded -… You worry about your image and you have not fallen into low self-esteem at least at a first level, since self-esteem encompasses more than personal appearance.
Believe me, Doctor, I don't care what others think - I corrected her, listening to her notes. I doubted that those notes were for Mercedes Pulido, something told me that she was writing them to study my case later on when I returned for consultation. Someone as important as her probably wouldn't have time to review and follow up on all her patients - I care about feeling comfortable and confident, looking beautiful and feeling good for myself. Because I'm worth it, you know? I am completely skeptical of humanity's thinking, and I don't care about seeing Paola again - I added with feigned serenity.
You see? That way of talking about humanity, excluding yourself from them, is due to your own melancholy. You turn yourself into an object and isolate yourself from the world in your feeling of desolation - She muttered, making more notes in her notebook. I rolled my eyes. "I isolate myself when talking about humanity because I come from another world. My nature is different." I thought. I let out a sigh of annoyance. "But of course I don't feel the same as everyone else, I am a star. Damn it, I am a star. Or I once was…" - I sighed.
Doctor, you are analyzing me like a thesis experiment but you are not taking the time to get to know me even a little bit. Not all the theories from books can be applied to me as if I were a living work of Freud or Skinner and their personalistic behaviorism. I feel that it is unfair that you don't know me from my feelings, but from your thinking. I'm sorry, but I really feel like I'm wasting my time with you - I told her honestly, and the next second I feared saying something inappropriate, but the doctor looked at me with understanding.
Melisa asked me to help you, and that's what I'll do, Anastasia. You have nothing to lose. You told me that you write, right?
Yes… - I admitted, ashamed of my bad temper.
You seek to project yourself and transmit your energy, which is quite intense from what I see. And that same intensity also brings internal mourning, that mourning makes your feelings of love for that person keep you full of energy. Take care of yourself and have optimism for life.
Do you want to bet how much optimism I have? Makeup, clothes, and a toothpaste commercial smile are not indicators that I have moved on with my life. Maybe in my work I find passion and a longing to help and serve others. But I think that without Paola, I am truly walking in the wrong direction, I can't help but look back and see her walking away, and something inside me tells me that it shouldn't be like this. We should be walking together. Because Paola loves me and I love her. Have you never been in love? Damn, I hate talking about these things.
I have been married for thirty-seven years, Anastasia, I understand what you're talking about. Why do you detest talking about destiny? You're in love, it's natural to believe in destiny when you love someone.
Because I don't even understand it myself, I don't understand what I lost with her that hurts me so much. The doctor searched for another cigarette in her purse.
Anastasia, the loves that could never be are formless emptiness, full of lost illusions, spilled innocence. That makes our soul age a little and lose innocence in a certain way.
Have I lost my innocence?
You have splinters in the place where there used to be love, now there is only bitterness, and that prevents you from being able to receive love again with the same excitement as the first time. It will never be the same, you won't be able to experience anything else like what you had with Paola. However, it seems to me that you still retain that innate freshness, quite pure and innocent, to put it that way. You are romantic and genuine, at least when you talk about Paola, and saving that is what we have to work on. Let me explain… happiness will always come with another look, alongside another person. But in a corner of your heart and memory, there will always be that emptiness, which is what is called eternal emptiness. That's why you don't understand why you suddenly think of her. Many people never experience this when they end a relationship, maybe during the first few months, but after years they finally forget about that person and no longer remember them, because they don't conceive of those voids in their minds that have settled in you. Only when they evoke the memory do they think of past love, and that's not your case.
Will I be able to stop having that unconscious emptiness and only think of her when I want to remember her?
Anastasia, you have to understand something. When you love someone, that person will never leave you, that's why Paola has become a part of who you are. You have channeled your love for her from your feelings, and because of that, you are a different person from who you used to be. You would stop loving a part of yourself if you were to stop loving her. Of course, you will think of her, and it is something private, you don't have to explain your feelings. You just have to make sure that those feelings make you happy. Now, if there is a wound, something that hurts you when you remember her, then I can help you with that. I don't plan on taking away her memory or the memories you have of her, that is impossible for me and also something that no psychoanalyst would do. Some use hypnosis to erase traumatic memories, and they even use it as therapy to overcome heartbreak. That is not my way of working. However, hypnosis is an excellent way to find the root of many feelings. - The doctor smiled at me with that sparkle in her eyes and broke one of those chocolates and almond cookies. I have always wondered why they have cookies, if during the consultation the last thing they do is eat them. Psychologists must have those cookies in their offices in case an anorexic or anxious obese person comes in. But to my surprise, Dr. Mercedes offered me a couple of cookies served in a porcelain bowl lined with sky blue flowers, and the next second she put one in her mouth.