15- Are you leaving me?

You're hot - she announced.
I know - I said, biting my lip. - The cold has passed for me now. She smiled at seeing me use Spanish slang.
I like your mouth - she murmured. Her blue eyes shone like two sapphires, now unsettling and fixed on me - I can feel your breath - she added. Her raspy voice tickled my ear as she touched my lips again with her thumb. I lowered my chin and freed myself from her thumb, which now caressed my cheek. And with an invisible connection between my skin and her hands, she made my belly fill with ardor. Perhaps it was she who was now telling me "I desire you" with her mind.
You're right… I think we are both fast - I admitted - But given the circumstances… this would be your lucky night - I said, looking at her mischievously. She burst into laughter and nervously pulled out a cigarette from her jacket. I offered her my lighter again as I heard her ask me:
And so… is this how you met your ex-girlfriend? Or am I getting my hopes up?
I don't understand.
Did you also kiss her when you met her, or have you only kissed me because you're bored and a little drunk?
Ah - I murmured. Suddenly, I felt something break in my stomach and had been bleeding for a long time - Yes… well - I said, looking down and moving my knees away from her -… well, I think I should go down - I concluded, rising on my high-heeled boots. Suddenly, I felt my heart sink, I didn't specifically think of Patrick, only the feeling of emptiness that overwhelmed me. But the memory of Patrick had been asleep somewhere in my mind and woke up at that moment. I understood it when I felt lips stained with the distance that consumed us. In my secret life… In my secret life…
Are you leaving? - Mel asked, surprised.
I'm going for cigarettes and more chocolate cake. Are you coming? - I asked, observing her sitting on the stairs. But I didn't want her to come. I no longer felt like fucking.
No, I'll wait here - she said, her eyes lingering on my body like a swift hawk.
What makes you think I'll come up again? - I asked, raising an eyebrow.
Nothing in particular, but I'll wait here - I watched her take a bite of the untouched piece of vanilla cake left on the plastic plate and turned around.
I smile when I'm angry
I cheat and I lie
As I entered the apartment, the girls were singing, having fun and drunk, Enrique Iglesias and Jennifer Lopez songs, at least they had now stopped playing bachata. I sneaked between people with smiles and kisses on their cheeks. I entered my room and found my cat sleeping on his cushioned bed. I took off my high-heeled boots and lay down on the bed, hugging my favorite fat pillow. Minutes later, Charlie jumped onto the bed and lay down next to me. When I closed my eyes, I felt something inside me make noise again in the silence of my room. I still don't know what it really was, but it was as if kissing other people was just an excuse to shut myself even more inside and that noisy sound pushed me to do something I had never done before. Eat a party cake alone in my own home. Not wanting to show a woman the difference between kissing and sleeping next to me just to try things out before saying it wasn't what I wanted. I don't know what kind of life I wanted, or what I would do without writing with the excuse of warming my hands with the heat of the laptop. I also don't know what I would do without Patrick, even though I no longer have her.
But I'm always alone, and my heart is like ice. I suppose the thing was that I refused to accept reality, my reality. I refused to see that I was really alone and disheveled, that I no longer enjoyed the same things I used to love doing a couple of years ago, and that the truth was that I had sent my desire to make love on vacation and when it woke up, I preferred fucking with strangers than emotionally involving myself with anyone. I don't know, maybe to Singapore or Cancun. To one of those places that have magic in the distance without being movies, to their soft and warm arms, full of shine and essence. And it's crowded and cold… in my secret life. I wiped away the ridiculous tears that mixed with mascara. I preferred not to think about anything, closed my eyes, and fell asleep hoping to dream about Patrick that night. And since that night, always, never, sometimes. I slept in a dress after a party, hoping she would come and take it off. Until I learned to ask her to stay and cover me with her translucent, full of my whole universe.