35- Regression

During the second session with Mercedes Pulido, I felt comfortable within the confines of attending therapy with a psychoanalyst, to tell her about matters of the heart. I had always desired, even more strongly now, the inaccessibility of my being, which I had not discovered and Paola had to accept as something intrinsic and mysterious to my way of being. My way of thinking and feeling. I deliberately assumed that I was different, a bit strange usually. I was either completely charming, sweet, and devoted to people, fully developing my empathy; or I went through life diplomatically, trying to soften, even hide at times, my true nature with a cold, distant, and superficial air. Dr. Mercedes helped me see that genuine sensitivity and unconditional interest in helping others that was latent within me. Many times, I wanted to mitigate my sensitive side, to become someone with a cold and indifferent demeanor, a cold star.

Upon arriving at the consultation, we greeted each other with a kiss on the cheek. The doctor inspired warmth and trust in me. With a cigarette between her fingers, she prepared the music, a wireless horn located on a round glass table that started playing. A sound resembling a stream enveloped the entire space. The doctor asked me to sit in front of the desk, and she walked elegantly to her seat. She had dyed the gray streaks in her hair. The new jet black color mitigated a few years without darkening the clarity of thought expressed through her words. That day, she wore emerald green earrings, two large and shiny green stones adorned her ears. I thought that surely the doctor had a weakness for jewelry, and my kinder side promised to remember that in order to give her some earrings someday, naturally, in a charming manner. As we drank coffee in her office, the psychoanalyst said to me:

Some cases of melancholy, like yours Anastasia, have nuances of grief. In your experience, all the states of joy that you can have influence you and deplete your initial energy. You should take that as a habit, release your energy in activities you enjoy. And then make those habits part of your daily schedule. A lifestyle in which joy predominates and you can analogously channel your energy into it.

I understand, doctor, I can be happy, I love my work - I affirmed. I looked at her thoughtfully and then added - I like my work… I like my home, I occasionally have a couple of beers, and I have a girlfriend who is prone to give me orgasms, in general, I like my life - I affirmed.

Working in the office, Anastasia, will always be a source of stress to a greater or lesser extent. You have to ignore that melancholic poisoning when you're not at work. You told me you also do modeling…

Yes, with Traffic Models.

Well, that's wonderful. Fun?

Yes - I shrugged.

Fashion is an authentic expression of an artist's freedom. When I was an intern, I worked for the fashion house DIOR in Paris. It's a very disciplined and methodical world.

How fascinating! - I looked at her surprised. Dr. Pulido raised an eyebrow and smiled with her thin lips in a gesture of satisfaction.

When I was little, my mom didn't like taking me to fashion shows. She was uncomfortable with the idea of me seeing other women's bodies… I think she already suspected…

Suspected your tendency towards bisexuality - She interrupted me, finishing my sentence.

I'm not bisexual, I'm actually a lesbian - I admitted.

I think your bisexuality is very apparent, but perhaps with time, you'll see things my way - She said proudly. Her eyes sparkled. I smiled as I listened to her.

I know that experiences and time reveal new facets of ourselves, but I am sure of my sexual orientation, and I highly doubt it will change over time. I also write, I've discovered that I really enjoy writing - I said after a deep sigh.

You write? - The doctor penetrated me with her unsettling and incisive eyes, filled with wisdom.

Yes, it's something I usually do when I want to calm down… - I added, making a dismissive gesture with my hand - I write.

That could serve as therapy for you. As I was saying, whether you're with your friends, or in surgery with an animal. At some point, you'll think of Paola, and when that happens, I want you to be happy, very happy - The doctor looked at me intently, as if she expected me to interrupt her at some point.

I think about her every day - I confessed, embarrassed - Many times… when I do things or when I'm very happy, I also think of her.

Give me an example - She asked me.

I sighed resignedly.

Ummm, for example… last week, a badly injured puppy came to me because of a porcupine. The surgery took two hours, and I removed around 200 quills. I was really worried that the quills had penetrated some internal tissue. I had to act quickly, and the animal was in no condition to be moved and have an X-ray taken. So, I operated without a previous X-ray, it was a blind surgery. It was a challenge to remove all those quills. Phew! My assistant, Mia, helped me. While we were stitching up his eyelid, she held the tweezers to prevent bleeding. When the surgery was over, the puppy was out of danger, and I was very happy with the result. I imagined Paola's face, her smile, her words, I don't know… what she would have said. I was happy, and I thought of her.

I see… Did you share what happened with Melisa afterward?

Yes, I stayed at her house that night.

And did you feel happy sharing it with her?

Yes, of course - I pondered - Mel always listens to me… she's very sweet - I smiled, remembering Melisa caressing me as she cuddled me in her arms - I told her, but I still felt like I wanted to share it with Paola.