19. Out with it

Gemma decided to give me privacy with Brice by getting back hours after me. I was antsy when I arrived back at our apartment and quickly took a long shower then put on my makeup.

More concealer under the eyes, crying every damn night has its downside. I was wearing my jeans and my most comfortable sweatshirt. I was feeling like shit, it was the best look I can pull off for him and I was done lying.

It was exactly eight in the evening when the front door buzzed. My hands were sweaty and I could feel the warmness in my eyes, my tears were threatening to fall when I took a deep breath and told myself to get it over with.

"Come on Ella, the sooner the better," I said to myself as I walked to the door.

Nothing can prepare me when I saw my handsome honey bun bun, my hands were aching to touch his face, I've missed him so much. But I stepped back and let him into the apartment.

"Ella," he said as he walk past the doorway and closed the door behind him.

"Hey," I finally found my voice and greeted him.

What I didn't expect was for him to hug me and I couldn't help myself and melt in his arms, taking in his warmth and his manly cologne.

"I've missed you,"

"Brice," I've missed you so much more...

"...I need to show you something."

He tilt my face, my vision was blurry and  I swiftly looked away and wiped my tears.

Fuck, come on, Ella, you can do this!

I took his hand and headed to my room, my heart was pounding so fast my tears won't stop falling. I was biting my lip, my hands were getting sweaty so I put them in my jeans pocket.

Wiping my cheeks again, I stand in front of my little shrine of him, the great Brice Durant. I couldn't bring myself to face my honey bun bun. My legs were giving up on me, so I decided to sit on the edge of my bed.

"Ella, what is this?" his voice was faintly heard, my heart was beating so fast and the deafening silence was coming on too strong.

Is this a panic attack? get a damn grip, Ella! you're a grown woman.

"I'm... your stalker, I'm sorry, I should've..."

"Can't be... you're not, can't... we're, you're...don't mess with me, Ella!"

His harsh words took me back to face him, my heart was pounding so hard, my eyes were blurry again, the guilt was suffocating my chest.

"When we first met, did you know it was me?" Brice asked, his eyes were looking at my corner wall with his face all over it and all of his books stack neatly under them.

"I did, but it was a...coincidence. Gemma registered me on the app."

"But you didn't tell me that you know me, you led me to believe..." he took a deep breath while I kept on wiping my face like a crazy stalker that I really am.

"You lied to me." He ripped my drawings from my wall, all of them. My chest hurt so damn much I don't know how I was going to recover after this.

I didn't say anything back, I was wrong, I did lie to him, and I couldn't look him in the face, not after he knows what kind of woman I really am.

"After all that I've said! you fucking lie to me! I can't believe I loved you." He strode out of my room, with all of my drawings in his hand and slammed the door after him.

I sobbed I sobbed so hard that my body shook, my breathing was short, my chest hurts so bad and I was curled up in a ball, holding my knees to stop myself from shaking so violently.

"Ella? honey...oh baby, I passed by Brice coming out of the elevator..."

Benjamin stormed into my room and wrapped my body in his warm hug.

"Benji, he took my drawings..."

"Oh baby, it's okay...you're going to be just fine." He take a look at my corner wall and knew exactly what I was talking about.

The beautiful man hold me, take me in his arm, and didn't let me go while I wet his shirt with my tears.

I must've fallen asleep when I woke up already tucked in my bed the curtain was still closed.

Gemma was putting coffee on my side table.

"Hey, wanna try to get up? I made breakfast?"

Her voice was far away, I was sleepy, tired, so very tired. All I can hear was Brice's voice.

I can't believe I loved you.
I can't believe I loved you.
I can't believe I loved you.

Over and over again, loved, as in the past.

I deserved it.

My eyes closed and I drifted off, still feeling tired and cursing myself for being so stupid.

"Ella, sweetheart, it's noon, you should have some lunch?" Jacqueline was to my side, forcing me to get up and drink some water.

I did what she asked me to, but didn't say anything back. And Jacqueline looked at me as if she knew that I was probably going to eat my lunch for much later on that day, probably in the evening.

"Okay, sweety, Benji will come later on this afternoon...I'll be right outside if you need me okay?"

These sweet people have been there for me, they all take turns and keep me company. It has been days, but I still couldn't let myself speak.

You're a freaking liar, Ella.
You should never speak, ever again.

My inner voice was mocking me. I didn't know how many days, but I did remember Gemma changing my sheets when Jacqueline forced me to take a bath then Benjamin waited on me and practically feed me before I melt back into my bed.

Within those days my paintings were sold though I couldn't care less and didn't exactly celebrate the sales. Gemma said Brenton informed her that Trisha was highly impressed and booked me a solo showing in another three months.

"And Brenton will come and visit you tomorrow, Ella, cuz...it's been two weeks already. You should really go out."

Two weeks huh?

Putting the brush down, I mixed another shade of grey and slapped it generously onto the canvas. I still haven't talked, but Gemma was grateful that I was back to my painting though Benjamin still hate that I didn't finish the meals that he prepared for me.

"Ella honey, please at least finish half of my lasagna? it's a very small portion..."

"And can you answer him this time?" Jacqueline asked looking worried at the same time. I haven't said a word since I woke up and looked at my empty wall, the day after Brice break my heart and squished my existence into nothingness.

I can't believe I loved you.
I can't believe I loved you.
I can't believe I loved you.

His words still float and often made me dizzy every time my chest feels the sheer pressure and my tears fall showing them what a loser I am.

"Ella, honey, I'm sorry I didn't mean..."

Jacqueline hugged me and I sunk back into my depression. Gemma had asked if I want to go back to my parents but I shook my head and looked at my empty wall.

I never look myself in the mirror, I knew I lose weight because all of my clothes were getting too big for me. But I was not hungry, I was not in the mood for talking, I just want to sleep and paint, and imagine my empty wall.

The sadness was still there, but lately, I was feeling all the emptiness. I was numb, I can't bring myself to laugh no matter how funny it was. Not even my favorite movie and food was making me miraculously blurt my words.