21. Honey bun bun

It was my first day out of the apartment, everyone was very proud of me. My first solo exhibition, I was there as a thank you to Trisha and Brenton. Everyone was there, Gemma, Benji, Jacqueline, mom, dad, and even my twin brothers.

They were hoping that I would talk, but all were just happy that I was out of my apartment. There was a man who was supposed to do an article about me, but Brenton was by my side and told him that I was inspired by the Tibetan monk and said it's part of my journey as an artist to not say a word. I squeeze his hand as a thank you, his wife, Nicolette hugged me and told me she's very proud of me.

The turnout was better than expected, strangers were admiring my paintings, Trisha and her people were busy explaining about the paintings. I was introduced and people seemed to like it more that I was not talking. They seemed to like that I'm a weird artist. Small dot stickers were put on the wall next to the sold paintings, champagne and hors d'oeuvres were circulated and people are loosening their wallets and purses, getting out their checkbooks.

"Oh, honey you make your parents very proud of you."

"I love you, darling, you take all the time you need."

Mom and dad gave me their hug before they go back home, they didn't stay long they have a long drive back home since dad has another appointment with his client the next day.

My brothers had to go early since they have a business meeting and so did Jacqueline and Benji. They all made time for me and I was thankful because of it.

Brenton and Nicolette had head-on home, and Trisha was taking me back to my place. She was instructing her people before she was taking me home. That's when I felt a sudden chill creeping behind me as if someone was watching me.

No, it can't be...
Please just go

"Ella?" Trisha was calling out for me when she looked at the man I was locking eyes with. She didn't say anything and just waited for me.

But I didn't move, not until he took the first step and walked towards me. I didn't want to just stay there, I want to run to him. I had dreamt of the exact situation. Strangely I did move, but not towards him, my feet were walking through the gallery entrance.

My eyes were blurry as I quicken my steps, my chest felt constricted, I couldn't believe he was seeing me. My drawings, my paintings, I saw his shocked expression as if it was telling me, how dare of me to paint his colors.

My ears went deaf, I could barely hear people screaming, didn't see the blurry bright lights heading towards me, not until my body collided and I felt it, then everything went black.

Finally...
Thank you...

*****

I thought I was finally having my peace, paid my dues, but then my insides were screaming.

It hurts, so fucking bad.
Why does it hurt so much?
Am I in hell?

The beeping sound echoed throughout the room. The bed was soft, the lighting was bright and my body was hurting like I've been squashed by a ton of bricks. I tried to open my eyes but they're so fucking heavy.

Maybe hell was supposed to be like this. I was drifting off. It felt like I was sleeping, but then I would hear people whispering around me. Trisha, Brenton, Mom, Dad, my annoying brothers, then there's Jacqueline, Benji, and Gemma.

I'm not dead.
Fuck!

From time to time, my eyes would flutter and I'd see him sitting by my side. My honey bun bun. I was dreaming, for sure.

"After all that I've said! you fucking lie to me! I can't believe I loved you."

I can't believe I loved you
I can't believe I loved you
I can't believe I loved you

I should've slit my wrist, popped some pills, hell, jumping off a bridge is easier than this! I tried to live, I really did, for my friends, family...too many people care about me. And I've survived for months, but I shattered the moment he came into the gallery.

Why can't he leave me alone?

It was getting dark outside, I didn't know how long have I been hospitalized, but I remembered telling my doctor that I want to check myself into a psychiatric hospital. I told my doctor that I need to get him out of my head. Yes, that was the first day I've broken my silent promise to myself.

I needed to get away from everyone, I need to get myself better or I might actually be dead the next time I try to cross the road again and stand still like a human bowling pin. And seeing the people who come and goes caring for me, crying by my hospital bed, it was not an option. I didn't want to let them down.

Even if I have to destroy my heart, and forget about my honey bun bun. I need to do this for them.

My mom and dad were devastated when they learn about my decision, but not Trisha, she was suddenly my best friend, not even Gemma understand me as she does.

"You're a great artist, and when you fall, you won't hit bottom. This had happened to the great ones. I think it's great that you recognized what you have and that you wanted to get better." Trisha caressed my cheek and kissed my hair.

Dad finally nodded and pulled mom deeper into his arms. My brothers hugged me whispering that they expect me to get better and they will arrange everything for me and get me into the best care facility. They assure mom that they'll get me into the best care with the best doctors in the country.

And just as I thought, I was dreaming. I didn't see Brice after I woke up. For days I have waited for him, and there were no signs of him being there. Though sometimes late at night I would feel him beside me, again I was sure that I was dreaming of him. Gemma was silent as if she had a lot on her mind. She would come and go check up on me a couple of times a day, she said Benji and Jacqueline were busy with work but loves me very much and can't wait to have me back.

I just nodded, still didn't know how I could bounce back from this. But I need to do it, for them.

I'll be fine.

Maybe if I kept saying it thousand times, one day it'll come true.