23.

-HER-

When I drove back to the office, I was still flushed and my mind was running with a speed of thousand miles per hour just to conjure up a reason that led him to act that way. So far, the only possible explanation that made sense to me was that he didn’t like what he saw – my thick thighs.

It instantly made me look down to them. Did they look that bad or could it be that those ugly stretch marks disgusted him? A part of me wouldn’t be surprised because I myself hated them.

Maybe he would have liked me or acted better with me had I not been like this? I was very much self-aware of my body and the way I looked. I knew I didn’t have the perfect body. I wasn’t tall and I didn’t have that perfect hourglass body either. I knew that I was very average looking – a plain Jane, a healthy plain Jain, but the way he acted, it seemed like I was downright monstrous.

I unconsciously slumped in my seat, feeling more self-aware than before. It was somewhat a big blow to my self-esteem. In the past, Derek had called me many rude things but none of them ever had this much effect on me.

I didn’t want to go to the office anymore but still, I had to drag myself there because the day hadn’t ended yet and I needed to brief Mr Toles about their meeting with the interior designer. When I reached the office, I couldn’t help but feel more and more self-conscious. My eyes would find their way to any reflection of mine on any glass and mirror to see how I looked.

I considered joining the gym again but that never works. Nana had always told me that my build was like that and no matter how much I sweat, I wasn’t going to get many results. My past efforts had also proved her words right.

I had started to accept it and was starting to getting somewhat comfortable in my skin until this happened. All of a sudden, I was angry and frustrated. I knew that I didn’t have any control over it but at the same time, realizing that it was what putting men off my life was starting to disturb me very much.

I was somewhat relieved when the day ended and I got the opportunity to drive home. Although the traffic had left me cranky when I finally reached my apartment. I wanted to get into my room and take a shower and eat something. I felt just one step away from having a mental breakdown.

When I entered our apartment, I was met with huge boxes. Before I could start to wonder what had come in them, Nana greeted me with excitement decorating her face, “You're home already! You won’t believe I finally got those two Indian paintings that I have been trying so hard to get my hands on!”

At that moment, I wanted to tell her that I wasn’t interested and to leave me alone but instead, she dragged me to the room adjacent to her bedroom where she kept the paintings. It was her hobby to collect paintings, pieces of art or anything that belonged to history.

I didn’t fight off the frown that climbed on my face as she showed me two paintings of some Indian princesses dressed in saree and wearing gold ornaments.

“Look, how beautiful she looks! She was painted by this great revolutionary man called Rammohun Roy,” Nana, chirped before breaking off into the history of the painting while my eyes took in the beautiful figure of the princess.

She had beautiful curves and very smooth skin. Her saree revealed a part of her beautiful, smooth, curvy stomach that easily starved my self-esteem even more. She had beautiful eyes and a small smile playing on her lips as if teasing the onlooker.

"Yes," I grunted.

"What?" Nana frowned, "You don't like the painting?" She asked.

"Naw, it's not about that," I mumbled.

"Then what is it about?"

“I am hungry,” I simply grumbled abruptly before walking out of her bedroom and thence into mine. I jumped right into the shower before hastily taking my clothes off. My hand wandered between my thighs as a reminder of today's incident which had left me in a fix.

My southern lips tingled with need while reminiscing how his mouth felt against them. My stomach was instantly filled with butterflies while my core pulsed with desire. I wanted to touch myself and release but the desire instantly died away as soon as I was reminded of what followed next.

I wanted to have a mental breakdown but I was again disappointed. I ended up simply washing and patting myself dry before stepping out the shower. By the time, I was done dressing, Nana had announced that dinner was served. My appetite had abandoned me by now but I went to have dinner anyway.

"So, how was work today?" She asked very casually over the table.

"As usual," I answered nonchalantly.

"By the way, what made you stop going out?" She asked. I gave her a momentary look before commenting, "I thought you hated it whenever I went out?"

"Yes, I do because your tastes in men are very questionable," She said with a judgmental look decorating her face and added, "And you are a lousy drinker,"

"You can't simply put all the blame on me," I said.

"Of course, I cannot. Your mother is to blame for all this," She shook her head.

"Well, she didn't raise me," I challenged her.

"Thank god for that!"

I pressed my lips in a thin line and monetarily stared at her.

"What?" she asked in return, "Wondering why you didn't inherit my wits?" She joked. I wanted to bang my head on the table at this point. It felt like I was being tested in some sort today.

"Nothing," I mumbled in return and just stuffed my mouth with food but little did I know that she wasn't done talking yet.

"But seriously, I am glad that you stopped going out. You always looked miserable whenever you came home," She spoke, but this time with a little bit of serious tone.

"Very nice of you to notice that," I mumbled and concentrating on finishing dinner so that I could escape her.

"But I am afraid that you are starting to look more miserable when you come home from the office. Is everything right, dear?" She inquired with utmost concern. At this, I contemplated telling her about Theo.

I hadn’t talked about him with anyone yet. I don’t know to whom I should speak because my situation with him is a bit different and… absurd.

I was very much confused about his horns. As soon as I pictured them, my fingers tingled as if reminiscing about their rough texture. I didn’t know what to speak about him. Everything about him bewildered me to a great extent but something in me was sure that Nana wouldn’t like him any more than Derek.

"Is it Derek again?" She asked, narrowing her eyes when she was met with silence on my part.

"Nah. Amanda's back," I told her. At this, she dropped her shoulders in relief. I was surprised when she commented, "That's great. Derek wouldn't bother you the as long as she is here. But if it's not about Derek then what is it about?"

I scrunched my nose and pushed the food around my plate.

"Speak to me, dear." She insisted more gently this time.

"Why do you think we have such bad luck with men? Are we simply not likeable?" I asked her. She stopped eating and looked at me. She knew what my question implied.

She sighed deeply before giving me a strange look- the one that she uses when she's holding back from saying something.

"Every family has their own tradition. Maybe this is ours." She replied with unfamiliar grief.