Mum

Martina pov

In all my life, I had never felt such humiliation, moreover, by people close to me. I came all the way to Douala crying and covered my head. What am I supposed to do at this time? Watching my mother die? His health was deteriorating day by day and I was there, helpless. After a week spent in the hospital, we were sent home for lack of financial means. We came home and Grandma was trying to cure Mom with herbal medicine, but it didn't have much effect. His body was already swelling. I didn't want to go see her in her room anymore. I preferred to spend my days outside then I came home late at night. Tania tried to talk to me, but I was walled in a deep silence. I had decided to put everyone in my life on hold. The day of the Christmas party passed without my realizing it. I had become a ghost for everyone.

On December 31 around 8 p.m., I returned after spending the whole day at the water's edge as usual. Tania told me that our mother wanted to talk to me. I do not answer and I just settle in bed.

"Listen Martina, we all know that mum is not well and it affects us as much as you do. We are all suffering from our helplessness in the face of this situation. But do you think silence is the best attitude to adopt at this time? what is it going to help mom get better? On the contrary, she feels like a drag because of your behavior. Mom needs your presence, your love at this moment when she is not well at all. Believe me, your behavior doesn't help her at all. On the contrary, it makes her feel guilty."

Tania was talking while crying and that made me cry even more. It had been a week since I had seen my mother. I got up in a hurry for her room.

"Mum!" I yelled as I opened the door to her bedroom. Grandmother seeing me slipped away and left us alone.

"Mum!" I say running and throwing myself at the foot of the bed where she is lying.

"Ma'anem! My little mama!" She says with a voice that seems clearer to me than usual.

"Your voice is clearer mom. Do you feel better already?" I asked him.

"You're here honey, and I always feel better when you're here baby mama. Come here sit next to me." She said patting the bed and I complied.

"Mom forgive me! I shouldn't have run away from you. I'm scared mum, I don't want to lose you. I feel so bad that I can't do anything and see you suffer like this." I say in tears.

"Honey, who told you I'm in pain? You're a brave woman, the bravest I know. You've already done everything in your power, and that's enough. I don't need that anymore. you feel bad for me. I'm surrounded by my children, what could be better?"

"But I can't do anything right now." I reply with a hint of sadness in my voice.

"Don't do anything mum. It's God who wants things to happen like this and you can't change anything in fate."

"I went to see dad you know..." I said, pausing to wipe away my tears. "But he chased me away like a filth." I continue to tell him with a depth of bitterness in my heart of hearts.

"Your father is not acting with all his senses my daughter. One day his eyes will open. Don't blame him. Just pray that he comes to his senses." My mother says.

"Paula and Steve are getting married." I said bursting into tears.

"Don't cry for people who aren't worth it my little mother. Never forget it mom! When they take action in order to see you cry, react contrary to their expectations. Don't give them this satisfaction. Show them that you are much stronger than their baseness. Okay?"

"Yes mom." I answered.

"And about your father and all those who have or will have offended you, always forgive. Don't let your heart be stained with hatred. You are worth much more than that. Do you understand me?" She continues to advise me.

"It's understood mum. I would do anything to make you proud of me."

"I'm already very proud of you little mother! I just want you to promise me that, no matter what, you will never abandon your brothers and your sister. Always try to watch over them. Don't do anything stupid Please! You are a strong woman, promise me to stay strong no matter what."

"I promise you mom!"

My mom and I stayed together and we talked about a lot of things. Mom advised me on so many areas of life. At one point she put her head on my legs then I stroked her hair.

"My little mother..." she whispers, her head resting on my legs.

"Yes mom," I say.

"Sing me my favorite hymn there please and hug me tight to your chest."

I began to sing this hymn at his request: "I am no longer of the world, soon I will go to my Saviour. Jesus is mine. Joy or suffering, Jesus is mine..." I I sang this song for an hour with mom in my arms and she was singing too. At one point, I was singing while crying because I had a weird feeling, like it was time to part. But she tells me

"Don't cry little mum. I will always be with you, but above all don't forget that God will be your father. You are a strong woman, watch over your little brothers and your little sister. As for me, I can already see the angels Come get me, it's time for me to go. I love you little mother! Tell Tania and the boys that I love them too. I love you!" She whispers, then she gently closes her eyes. I shed tears with mom in my arms. I continue to sing until I feel when she has breathed her last. I arranged it on the bed, then I got out. It was midnight and everyone was asleep. Grandmother slept with Tania in our room. I came back to the bedroom where I lay down next to my mother's body. I waited until morning. I couldn't sleep all night. I haven't shed any more tears since that day. Around 6 a.m. when I heard people shouting happy new year outside, I went out. I saw Tania, she was coming to see mum. As soon as she looked at me, she knew something had happened. She ran into the bedroom and seeing the covered body, she started screaming. The whole house woke up and came running to ask what was going on. Grandmother, seeing her daughter's body inert on the bed, also collapsed and lost her life on the spot. This is how, while the others were celebrating the New Year, we were in mourning with two bodies at hand. I took them to the village morgue and the next day we buried them. Some neighbors came to assist us, as well as the women from Grandma's meeting. Only, from that day on, my face was no longer the same. I had no emotion. I didn't laugh, smile or cry. I had decided that none of my tears would flow again. I think there are certain pains that cannot be expressed by tears. What I felt. I felt so bruised deep in my soul. There was no way for me to get my pain out. I didn't want to let her out. I didn't want to be comforted. I wanted to live with this pain, I wanted it to be part of me. It was all I had left now. If it were taken away from me, I would be an empty shell.

Nevertheless, in this pain that could not be healed, I had a deep desire, an inexpressible thirst that I nourished in my heart of hearts and it grew more as the days passed. This desire is my thirst for revenge. I had a grudge in my heart, everyone who contributed in one way or another to what happened to us will pay me dearly. I will take care of it personally. From now on, my revenge could begin.