The permission

Paula
We spent the night outside. I was very scared, because we could hear strange noises throughout the night. Let's forget about the mosquitoes, which bit us, added to the freezing cold of this harmattan period. I hope I don't catch malaria, or the flu. All night, I couldn't close my eyes. I thought a lot about the story my mother told me. I realized that to some extent my choices were influenced by my mother's life. Unwittingly, she transferred to me the same feelings she had for her sister. Once again, my memories fly to Martina and my father, the two people I hated the most in my life. I remember how they ruined my life. Martina because she was the model child, exemplary and praised by everyone. As for my father, he was the one who created this hatred in my heart by preferring Martina to me. I wanted his attention, his love. Every act of rebellion I did was to get his attention. But he didn't understand it that way. On the contrary, he constantly denigrated me in front of Martina, whom he considered better. If at first I was rebelling for my father's attention, it later became second nature. I only communicated through rebellion. I couldn't get rid of it anymore. I took a liking to it, because I could then express myself and get what I wanted through it. I developed a vice, that of wanting everything for myself. Indeed, everything that belonged to Martina, I wanted to have it at all costs. I envied her life. I wanted to be the center of attention like her, but all I got was rejection, disaffection and blame. I chose to stop victimizing myself, and to impose myself as I am, in the middle of a world that was against me. In the end, my mother was right to do away with her older sister, because it was the only way to live happily. I think that for my case also, as long as Martina is alive, I will not be able to have the right to happiness. To learn that Martina is not my sister makes me happy to some extent. This therefore amounts to saying that we have no family ties that unite us. I now understand why I never accepted and loved her. I can therefore be consoled for not calling her my sister. The day dawns finding me deep in thought. My mother and I stayed outside the fence of her family's house until sunrise. Although it was open, we couldn't venture inside the house without permission to do so first. The women of the house went out very early to fetch water and do other errands for the morning meal. They looked at us strangely, without speaking to us, as if we had come from another planet.
"What are we going to do, now that your family has refused to take us in?" I asked Mom anxiously.
"We'll wait a little longer, I'll try to talk to them again." Answer my mother.
"Wouldn't it be better if we looked for other houses or a motel where we could rent rooms for our stay?" I asked my mother.
"At the end of the day, we are here for a short stay while we think about a strategy to get out of the country." I made her the proposal.
"No, that's not a good idea at all." She retorted in disagreement.
"But why ?" I asked without understanding her refusal.
"Because here, peole live with their family. No one will accept to rent me a room, if they know that my family lives here. We only rent rooms to those who come from elsewhere, that is, who do not know a family where they could live." She explained to me.
"So what are we going to do, if they refuse to receive us at their place?" I asked him the question anxiously.
"Don't worry. Let's wait for my mother to come out. I'll go over to her and explain our situation. I'm sure she'll help us get in." She replies confidently.
Indeed, we wait patiently for my her mother to come out and come to us. Around 8am, after all the neighboring houses have seen us outside with our luggage, to my shame, my grandmother comes out of the compound and heads towards us. It can be seen for miles that she doesn't seem at all happy to see my mother, by her scowl. My mother gets up to go in front of her, seeing her go out. When my grandmother comes up to her, she says in a stern voice to my mother
"What did you come here to do? You're not lacking in nerve, to come back after all these years. Have you forgotten all the harm you did to me when you left?" Grandmother scolds my mother, who feels more and more in bad shape.
"Mom..." my mother stammers. "I'm sorry, but I need you." She said in a sad voice.
"You're sorry you say?!" She asks the nervous question.
"And you think it's after more than thirty years that you're going to come back to say it? Where were you when we were waiting for you to come back and apologize to the family?" She continues to say, her gaze extremely hard.
"I was afraid that you would reject me after what happened and that you wouldn't understand. You chased me away like a filth..." She said sadly.
"Enough!" My grandmother thundered severely. "Do you realize that your father is dead, but you didn't come? To mourn your own father..." she said with great sadness and bitterness.
"Forgive me mum, I admit I did wrong. But I need you! You can't leave me out like this. Where will I go?" asks my mother pleadingly.
"Go where you've always been. Here we recognize you more as part of the family. You were denied by everyone a long time ago." Grandma answers without an ounce of compassion. Then she turns to go home. My mother throws herself at her feet, crying, to prevent her from leaving without letting us in. I'm still sitting on the tree trunk that was lying in front of the door. I observe the scene without saying a word. My grandmother is a woman who may already be 70 years old, but she is still very strong.
"Let me go !" She says stopping in her tracks as my mom tries to hold her back by holding her foot firmly.
"You are my mother mother, and a mother does not abandon her child, no matter what he has done." Mom retorts, to attract her mother's compassion. This one does not seem to be affected that much by the words of her daughter. On the contrary, it seems to stir up her anger more. She turns around, still with a hard look, and says to her daughter
"I forgot years ago that I had a daughter. Also consider that you don't have a mother."
"You never loved me at first, it was the same with dad. Why did you give birth to me, if you didn't love me?" Said mum, now playing the victimization card.
"You are really pathetic!" Her mother exclaims, her voice full of disappointment.
"You grew up with this hatred, firmly believing that everyone was after you, when it was wrong. If we were hard on you and spoke harshly to you, it was because we wanted your good and not what You imagined yourself. What parent would like his child to choose a tortuous path? Throughout the village, you were heard of, because of your dirty character. You were deceitful and mean, even to your poor late sister, who never dreamed of than to have a normal and peaceful relationship with you. You did not hesitate to put yourself, less than a month away, under the roof of the fiancé of your sister who loved you so much. You were a disappointment for all I don't know why you were born like that, but that kind of person never meets happiness in his life. You don't even have to tell me anything, because if you're there, it's is probably because you're in trouble. But sorry, I don't want to hear from you anymore." Grandmother spouted very bitterly. My mother gets up and lets go of her foot. Dadi is already walking towards the door and is about to enter. My mother said to her in a quiet but deep voice
"You have every right to be angry with me, or to prevent me from entering your home. But your granddaughter, what did she do to you to make you reject her? Is it her fault too if She came out of my insides?!" she asks to play on her mother's feelings. It seems to work very well, because my grandmother stops in front of the door and does not move. She observes for a long time, surely struggling in her heart, what decision to make. Finally, she opens the door and walks back in, glancing furtively at her daughter and saying
"Come in!"
My mother's face lights up when she hears this and she wants to come to her mother, but she has already left. My mother invites me to come and bring our luggage. Even though they are numerous and heavy, we are not complaining. It's already a big step that they let us in. I just hope we don't last long here. Starting tomorrow, I'll go get some network to contact my handyman. He will put me in touch with one of his guys who will help us cross the border.