A Promise

**Aileen POV**

"Ready?" asked my brother a bit timidly.

I swallowed some bitter saliva. "yeah."

I started, "When I was a child, my emotional state already wasn't very good. Something horrifying had happened to me about two years before my Mother had died. She had been the one to help me through what they had done. My Mother was my back bone. She was the reason I could keep standing. I loved my Mother more than anything else in the world. My favorite memories were of picking lilacs with her. We would go out almost every day when they were in season to pick some. They were so calming, so beautiful, and yet somehow they made me feel in power. That could just be because I would think of Mother when I saw them."

"That would explain why you always seem drawn to them and your weird purple obsession!" Trevor chuckled lowly.

I inclined my head slightly. It was true. Even my body washes were scented lilac. The smell made me feel comforted. Father wasn't the only strong one I used to look up to. Happy, sad conflicting tears ran down my cheeks. Talking about this was harder than I thought.

For once I didn't try to hide them, or stop them. I wanted them to fall. My brother could truly see me today as I am. The fragile girl I try so hard to hide behind a tough exterior. The facade I was so good at until this week. Everything felt like it was slipping from me. I just prayed that this would help, rather than hinder me in the future.

"She would sing that song too. She was the one who I learned the lyrics from. I truly wish I could remember more than that little piece I shared with you." I said.

"Your Mother is the one you got it from. Well I'm honored you let my wonderful voice do justice to her song." Trevor was trying so hard to lighten me even just a tad. I truly did have the best brother.

My tongue dashed out to moisten my dry lips. "Actually, my Mother was the original one to sing it, but I can't make out the words from her lips. I can see her holding me, swaying to the music, but no words ever come to me. So much about her escapes me now. I know she was a truly amazing woman though."

My brother waited patiently for me to continue, "Mother had sang the song for me when I was tucked in at night. My Father had over heard a few times and those were the words he could remember. When she passed on... he he wou would sing for m me. And let me tell you.... hi .. his voice makes yours sound like Adele."

I tried my best to regain my composure. My throat tightened. It was hard to breath. Father was never an emotional person. Yet, he sang the pieces of Mother's broken song to me the best he could. That was how much I meant to the heartless King of Lutz. Fuck, my eyes were stinging so bad now. I want to be back in their arms knowing everything would be okay. I want to be that little kid again. Just for one day.

"Anyway, the day she passed away, everything caught back up with me. The words some evil men said to me, the crushing feeling of being helpless, being a burden, and thinking no one would love me now; it all broke my twelve year old soul. Ground my very being into shattered pieces. I barely even saw my Father and the only other person I trusted was Kalum. I started to believe the only reason he cared about me was because he was one of Father's few friends."

More bile needed swallowed before I could say anything. Trevor made no jokes this pause. One of his hands left the steering wheel to wipe away a tear.

"The day Mother died, Father was not by her side. It was Kalum and I. I told Kalum that I wished he was my Father. That I was a disappointment and would never be strong like my Father. If he could write Mother's death off so easily, I didn't want to be strong. After I told him that, Kalum left Lutz for some mission. He left me alone two hours after I cried in his arms wishing I was his daughter."

Trevor's jaw shook slightly. He was grinding his teeth.

"I refused to eat. I was barely sleeping and would not leave my bed. I had only trusted two people and that was starting to dwindle. Some maid had informed me that she would be talking to Father. She said that I was starting to look sickly, hollow, and broken. I pretended to sleep while she spoke. To me whatever she told Father by that point would not matter. I was done. I was empty. Depression had won. All I wanted was the pain to go away and I had a plan."

This time Trevor did speak up. Taking his wide eyes off the road momentarily. "You didn't! Aileen!"

A loud honk brought Trevor's attention back to road. He had swerved into the other lane. The guy in the beside us flipped him off. Trevor did not seem to care at all. He reached for my hand and gave it a tight squeeze. I gulped down more bitterness.

"The voices were so loud. All these evil thoughts and words. All the loneliness I couldn't take it anymore." I wanted to keep my voice even and calm as if all the emotions from that day had finally dried out. Just like how I'd acted when Tom had first found me with the innocent girl and stabbed man. I couldn't, the hurt and love of that day was still there. That day was a contradiction.

Someone was squeezing my heart while I relived the hurt part of that day. "Father came into my room without any warning. He didn't even bother with a knock. I guess when you own the castle you can do things like that."

My attempt at a small jest was met with silence from my brother. I resumed, "I had sunk to my lowest moment when Father turned that knob. I thought Father had did not care for me. That I was just a burden like Mother's death."

"I had a knife to my neck. I wanted to die. My face was covered in snot while I sobbed. In my head I had been counting to ten. Father burst in when I was at seven. My Father became a blur and not just from my crying. I'd never seen him move so fast. One moment he was standing wide eyed at the door. The next he on the bed next to me. My knife was on the floor. He wrapped his arms around me protectively."

My voice sounded the same as a blubbering toddler. If Trevor caught on to that he did not poke fun. In fact he appeared to barely be holding back his own emotions. His chin trembled badly now, his face was tense. Part of him did not want to hear the rest of my story.

"My Father had never cried in front of anyone that I knew of. He was strong and nothing got under his barrier. Even after Mother's funeral he did not shed a tear. That day, hugging me close to his chest, I saw my Father break down. His sobbing made me feel horrible. I felt worse than I had before attempting suicide. As he cried he kept calling me stupid and asking why. He kept asking how he could have stopped this. He apologized for failing me."

Trevor interjected his voice strained and hoarse, "do you want me to stop for ice-cream or something on our way back?"

I shook my head no. Even if I had been hungry, there was no way I could now. Anything I tried to eat now would just come back up.

"My Father reached above my head then. There was the Lutz flag that always rested above my pillows. His hand brushed the across the silk. He placed the flag on lap with a sad smile on his streaked face. Father wrapped an arm around my shoulders pulling me closer to him. His body was more tense than yours is right now. He took his royal robe off wrapping me in it's warmth. I could see just how drained he was when I looked up."

"He grabs my hand with his free one and traces the tree with my little index finger. 'For me that tree here is you. It's home'. he says to me. Father moved my finger over to trace the bird. 'That angry looking raven is me. I want to protect you. You're all the family I have left. The innocent tree guarded by the feared raven. You are my strength, and my weakness. Younger me never thought there would be someone I would give my life for. I never would have guessed I would have someone I loved so much.'"

"I couldn't help but ask about Mother. Part of me did not want to hear his answer. Still, I did. His response was calculated after a long moment. I had thought he was not going to answer."

Trevor's face kept changing from angry to sad to caring and back again. He wanted to speak, but was willing to wait until I got through my tale.

" 'I respect your Mother. I always have. She was courageous and stubborn enough to deal with me. But no, I never did love her; not the way she deserved. When I found out I was having a baby; I prayed it was a boy. I needed a boy that I could be tough with. A boy, so I would not ruin him as badly. I was scared of being a Father. I knew I would fail.' Hearing Father say those words had me jumping into his arms. Even after Mother's death, I could not hate him."

The feared King of Lutz was terrified of being a Father. That was his biggest secret he kept from the world. He feared for me.

"I wanted to know the truth, so I urged my Father to continue. I didn't even think about the fact I was about to kill myself before he came in. 'After what happened to you, I felt like shit. I knew they took you because of me. I have too many enemies. I thought if I distanced myself from you, you'd be safer.' My Father's voice was breaking so bad I had trouble making out his words."

" 'But I still failed. You want Kalum as your Father. I don't blame you, but hearing those words made me realize just how much I fucked up my little girl. Just as I feared, I ruined your childhood. I really tried to be a good Father. It doesn't come to me naturally. I'm not a kind or good man. And now... you were go ...going to take yourself away from me. My sweet daughter."'

"I'd had no idea Father had even heard that. He must have been on his way to visit Mother when I said those words to Kalum." I rubbed my throat hoping that would help. "I had no idea..."

"Father lost himself at that point. He was balling worse than I had been. I hugged him and told him, 'I don't hate you. I'm sorry! I love you so much. I thought I was too weak to be your daughter! So in my depression I told Kalum I wished I was his. I didn't mean it! I want to be strong like you. I only wanted you to be there for me and be proud.'"

I wiped at my face. "My Father told me that he was proud of me and that I was strong. I had endured so much and still could smile. The only mistake I did was being dumb enough to try to kill myself."

This time Trevor did interrupt, "How could he?! Your damn Father-"

I cut my brother off, "It was all for the best. Father made me promise him something. This promise is what keeps me going no matter what. When I'm upset, or ready to give up; all I have to do is think back to it."

My shoulders slumped reaching end of my tale. Of curse my curious brother asked what the promise was.

"We're the only family each other had left. He told me he would always do what he could for me, that he would be a better and more loving Father to me." I sniffled, "in return I would never attempt my own life again. I would remember that I am strong. And that I have always been his beloved daughter. 'Promise me, you will never make me have to bury my own child.' "