Chapter 39

SOMA:

I knew it was a bad idea when I decided to go on heels today. Now my feet are all weary as I try to take them off.

I do not struggle with it because I know it would add to my distress. And so, gently and comfortably, I take them off, heaving a sigh of relief soon after for a job well done.

Did I really resolve anything with Leonard today? I guess not. It was more like we had a little fight before venturing into a healthy conversation.

At least I achieved something from all of that. I found out he’s not the culprit in Luis’ predicament. And neither does he have an idea what’s going on. How could I tell? I have this itch for knowing when I’m being lied to. And I sure as hell knew he wasn’t.

Still, that didn’t get me anywhere. It means Luis would still be going through the ordeal without having an idea what’s going on. I’m supposed to reach out to him so I could update him on the conversation I had with Leonard but I can’t for now. I can’t get the feeling off my chest that he blames me for everything.

“Arggh, this is frustrating!” I yell out loud, resisting the urge to pull at my hair. Used to be a habit of mine until I overcame it.

‘I guess you’ve put a lot of pressure on yourself against my warning,’ Rainia gets to my head, somewhat filling a vacuum in my heart. Can’t believe how much interaction I’m dying to have at the moment until she spoke.

‘It’s not my fault that everything seems to be crumbling around me. I mean, I tried to make things work but nothing seems to be working. And I can’t help it,’ I tell her through the link I share with her. Even without my physical voice, I can still sense the frustration in my tone.

‘But it doesn’t help matters by adding so much burden on your head. You don’t want to get to a point of breakdown. And trust me, it wouldn’t be funny if it gets to such,’

As much as I hate to admit it, she’s right. Perhaps I’m doing too much when I should be doing a little. Perhaps I'm the cause of all my problems and no one else. Perhaps I should not even be so bothered about how things out to be and just focus on building a better me with others... Luis, most especially.

“I can’t say it’s my fault that everyone is a jerk around me,” I don’t mind saying that out loud because the irritation that comes with realizing I was at the point of pouring the blame on myself kicked in.

“And I think I’m the biggest jerk of all,”

Through the slightly open door, a head pops in and it didn’t take me more than a glance to know it is Mark.

“Mark?” I say, a little surprised to see him after such a long time of him avoiding me without a cause. “What are you doing here? Where have you been?”

He stands upright and then pushes the door to enter the room fully. He seems neutral, but a little different from the last time that I saw him which was over two weeks ago. Such a long time I must say.

I should be annoyed at the sight of him but he is one of those in my life that I can’t seem to find a grudge against for too long. Even though I realized he has been intentionally cutting it off with me, I decided to ignore it and put my mind elsewhere because I knew trying to force things wouldn’t work.

“It's me,” he says when he joins me on the bed. “And I'm sorry I haven’t been around for such a long time,”

“Or you mean to say that you have been avoiding me for such a long time?” I mean to correct him because I believe that is the truth. He was avoiding me and be cannot deny the fact that it is what he has been doing all along.

“I wasn’t avoiding you, Soma. I’ve just been away from the pack for a while,”

“So you mean not even bothering to tell me you were leaving for a while isn’t a sign that you were avoiding me? Is that what you are trying to say?” when I mention that, he tries to say something but shuts his mouth close immediately, allowing me to continue with what I am saying. “Do you know how much I tried to reach you? Hell, I did that a lot but not even the mind-link with you was working. You shut me out, neglected me, and you said you haven’t been avoiding me, huhn? Such a decent excuse for being an asshole,”

I do not hold back my words. And with the amount of frustration propounded in me, he has to hear a piece of me so he could know how displeased I am with his somewhat cowardly act of not approaching me if I did something wrong to him. Because why else would he put me aside if it is not something I did wrong?

“There’s no excuse for what I did, Soma. Which is why I’m here to apologize,” he tells me, his hands clasped together as a gesture of what he’s trying to do.

“It’s going to take a lot of grace before I accept your apology, mister. Perhaps if you tell me what my offense was that made you pull such a move, I could consider your apology,”

He suddenly puts his hands down on his lap and then switches position from gazing at me to staring at the entrance. I’m trying to detect something odd from his facial expression, but just like others that could match up to my prowess, he wasn’t giving anything out.

“So?” I say, already impatient from not hearing him say anything.

He looks at me. “Let’s just talk about it some other time, okay?”

I could only shake my head, not to disregard his statement, but to show disapproval that he had to make me think he was going to say anything. Maybe I just jumped to a conclusion because he sure did not tell me he wanted to make a conversation with me pertaining to the issue. His expression only implied that he wanted to. And I might have concluded on that too from my part.

“So, how’s it going with you and your newfound mate?” he asks, looking all curious.

“Mark, I won’t lie to you, it’s not been going alright. Everything and everything has been so-so and it’s frustrating me to the core. I might have reached my limit now,”

“If you want to share with me, I'm ready to listen,”

“Of course, I’m going to share it with you. Why else would you think I made such a statement?” I reach out for the buttons of the coat I have on and then start to loosen them due to the heat all over. I should say how sweaty my skin is now because the air is actually cool around here. “Before you came in, you heard me say out loud that everyone around me might be a jerk, isn’t that right?”

“Uhn uhn,” he nods while making that sound as a response.

“Well, it’s true. And that includes Luis,”

I should carry on with my statement but I feel I should shut it up for a little while. More like I need a break to get the thoughts through my head before I get emotional about it. And I’m sure I would if care is not taken.

“Okay? Are you going to tell me what he did?”

“Since this whole thing between Luis and I began, or right before it began, he blames me for everything that seems to be messed up around him. Not that he says it to my face directly, but he has always had a way of putting it that I would instantly get to know that he’s trying to make it my fault.”

“Is he insecure or something? Because I’m trying to make sense of why he would blame you for everything that goes wrong with him,”

“He is, and I’m not surprised. Being a cursed wolfling is one of the reasons he has to be this insecure,” I tell him, closing my eyes as I sigh once again. “But I can’t take it anymore, Mark. I’m fed up with being blamed every now and then. It’s messing with my mind and I do not want to fall into an ‘i told you’ situation.”

I look away from Mark after that, trying to ease my tension with another round of sighs. I can feel Rainia’s connection in my head because I haven’t closed the link between us. It’s basically something I will never do except we both get into a disagreement that I do not see myself solving anytime soon with her.

“Have you tried talking to him? At least to make him know how you feel about the issue between you two,” Mark asks me much later.

“I tried. But he doesn’t seem to be getting the point. His insecurities have gotten a better part of him that he tries to justify himself with every wrong move he makes in keeping this relationship on a firm ground. Can’t even count the number of times I’ve brought the issue to his notice,”

“Don’t lie to me, Soma. Whenever you bring the issue to his notice, what has been your reaction? Did you speak to him calmly or go all out when you do?”

The weird reaction I produce shows I am not getting out of this easily. Guess I have been right all along about it being my fault in some way.

“I went all out,” I admit, scratching through the itch on my hair that isn’t there. “But he made me do it,”

“This is not a matter of him making you do it. This is a matter of you. You hardly take things easy whenever you’re trying to make others see that they are in the wrong. That’s why it mostly gets screwed up,”

I can’t argue. Can’t even try at all because he’s so right. Not surprised that he knows me so well.

Unexpectedly from me, I stand up to my feet and suddenly hit him right in the face.

“What was that for?” he can’t hide his surprise when he asks as he holds on to the part of the face that I hit. And unsurprisingly, that was a good hit.

“That? Oh, that’s for not being there when I needed you the most,”