Guilt

I ride back to Dellum with Benjamin. Luke and Amelia seem to have coupled up, seeing how Amelia didn’t come back to our room last night, and I’m sure Benjamin was off with Pelleas somewhere, leaving those two alone. Breakfast this morning was horrible. Elau wouldn’t look at me and I could barely stand being in the room with Maeve. I feel so guilty, and she has no clue which makes it even worse. I stare out the carriage window lost in thoughts when Ben decides to speak up.

“Are you okay, Nic? You can talk to me if you would like.” He leans forward resting his arms on his knees.

“I’m fine.” I keep my eyes fixed out the window on the passing lands.

“You know, If I had just kissed a Prince I would be ecstatic.”

“Ben!” My eyes snap over to him.

“What, wasn’t that the goal? Don’t you like him?” He sits back up staring me down.

“Not when he is engaged to a friend. I’m embarrassed, and I feel horrible.” I bury my face into my hands.

“It doesn’t count when it's an arranged engagement.” Benjamin smiles at me, “Everyone knows that.” He moves across to sit next to me and removes my hands from my face. “How do you know Maeve even wants to marry Elauthin?”

“She seems pretty happy about it.”

“Or she is making the most of her situation. She has no choice just like the Prince. I wouldn’t feel too guilty until you know all of the information.”

“It doesn’t matter anyway, Elau won’t even look at me. He said it was just engagement jitters. And I don’t trust myself to be in the same room as him anymore.” I lean my head on my friend’s shoulder.

“So the kiss was that good, huh?” He chuckles under his breath, I look up at him with a smile

“I’ve never been kissed like that before, Ben. It was magical, I can’t stop thinking about it. I even dreamed of it last night.” I let out a deep breath, “I don’t know what to do.”

“You will figure it out. Maybe start with talking to Prince Elauthin?” He suggests. We stay like this the rest of the ride to the Castle and Benjamin comforts me as I rant. By the time we pull up to the stairs and the carriage comes to a stop my chest feels lighter and Ben has almost convinced me to speak with Elau. I climb out of the carriage first followed by Benjamin and join Amelia and Luke at the bottom of the stairs.

“Did you have a good night?” I smile at Amelia seeing her for the first time today since she skipped breakfast.

“It was eventful. What about yours? Did you enjoy the festival?” She giggles and looks away.

“It was also pretty…eventful.” I say looking way less enthusiastic than Amelia. She gives me a funny look and I shrug my shoulders at her.

“Ambassadors, I was told to inform you that today is a free day, and time to rest from travel. Tomorrow we have two high council meetings and of course your normal Elvish Culture course.” Pelleas walks up to us squeezing in between Ben and me. “So please get some rest and I will see you all tomorrow.” He walks through the group and up the stairs towards the castle.

“Well I’m going to go…lay down.” Ben says, excusing himself to follow his secret lover.

“I think I am going to see what is prepared for lunch. Luke, Nic would you like to join me?” Amelia smiles at me but I am distracted by Elau and Maeve exit their carriage and miss Luke’s response. They walk past us without a word, up the stairs, and into the castle. I can’t help but feel a stone in my chest again, I can’t get past this guilt.

“Are you coming, Nic?” Amelia snaps me out of my thoughts no longer standing beside me as she has taken a few steps up the stairs towards the castle. She stares down at me concerned, her normally happy eyes furrowed at her brow.

“Oh, um, I think I am going to go for a walk.” I lie and wait for her and Luke to disappear at the top of the stairs. I turn right towards the woods and take my usual path to the grove. I slide down and am comforted by the familiar sounds and smells. I feel tears beginning to swell. I hate this! I don’t know what to think. I feel bad for Maeve, confused by Elau, and I’m fighting every urge to go tell him how I feel.

Why would he say that he only kissed me because of nerves? What does this do to our friendship? The tears gently flow down my cheeks. I’m not sure we can have much of a friendship after this. I just want to go home and hide, but I can’t go home and face my Mother like this.

“This is ridiculous.” I whisper to myself. “I shouldn’t be crying like this. It’s only awkward if I make it awkward.” I try to comfort myself, but it doesn’t work because I just think back to Elau avoiding me at breakfast. If he won’t talk to me then I fear I have lost my closest friend to lust.

But the taste of his lips on mine are still there and I can’t get it out of my mind. They way he held me, and touched me. Just the thought gives me goosebumps. It was a feeling I’ve only read about in fairytales but to experience it in person was unreal. I can’t help but want more.

“Afrea opaque.” I mumble and in an instant I am in complete darkness, covered by the thick black smoky cloud. Something about the dark comforts me. I wipe my face and sit up, unable to see anything around me. It feels as though I am floating in nothing. No one else here for me to worry about. No one around to see me, an escape.