Dimitris

September 28
...
I don’t know how I’m going to face him after discovering all this. But I know it’s something I need to do.
My first feeling was one of shame. She had seen me in various states of intoxication, but never at that level. It must have been several days since I last shaved, and to be honest, I didn’t even remember the last time I had a real shower—not just jumping into a pool with my clothes on, which I vaguely recalled doing the afternoon before. There were so many different chemicals in my bloodstream that it was amazing I hadn’t had a health scare yet.
Besides that, even my immobilized arm was further evidence of the pitiful way I had been living in recent days. It was surreal even for someone like me, who prided himself on his own delinquency.
But maybe it was good that Aris saw me like this. It was another reminder of how harmful my company was to her. And I hoped that sight would make her go back to her car and leave. But she did exactly the opposite and came toward me, sitting down on the sidewalk right next to me.
“What the hell are you thinking?” I snapped before she could say anything. “Do I need to spell out how much I want you to stay away from me, girl?”
She was silent for a few seconds, a time during which I didn’t even dare to look at her, not wanting to add to the guilt that was eating me up for treating her that way.
I cursed myself for every cruel word I had said to her. But it was the only way I had found to push her away from me. Or at least try, since it apparently wasn’t working.
“Sorry I didn’t make the connection earlier,” she finally said, surprising me. “I had no idea, not even an inkling, that your brother could have been my donor.”
So, she knew now? The weight of guilt crashed down even harder on my shoulders.
“How did you find out?” I asked, still not looking at her.
“Connecting the dots, just like you, although it took me a bit longer. I called my mom, the one who’s a doctor. She followed my transplant, and among the few details she had, one was that the heart came from a death at the Thessaloniki General Hospital. Unless you surprise me by saying your brother was at another hospital in the city, I don’t think there’s any doubt left.”
“I’m not going to surprise you, Aris. It was indeed my brother.”
“I really understand... or at least imagine... how difficult this must be for you.”

“I’m not going to ask for your forgiveness for the things I said, Aris, simply because I know I don’t deserve to be forgiven. And I hope you continue to hate me for being so cruel. But know that none of that was true. Only part of it is real: that the best thing you can do is stay away from me. The rest, about you... it’s not true.”
“That I could die at any moment? We both know that’s true.”
“Anyone can die at any moment, Aris. In comparison, I face that risk more than you. A few days ago, I nearly killed myself in a car crash.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her turn her face toward me.
“How did that happen?”
“It’s not important. But as you can see, I survived. I survived again. The fact is, you need to stop seeing your own life as a statistical possibility. You deserve to find someone who loves you and is truly worthy of a girl like you.”
“A ‘good girl’?”
“An amazing girl.”
She rested her elbows on her knees and lowered her face, and I noticed she began to cry. I had made that girl cry so many times... and it was a guilt I would carry forever. Even so, she didn’t lose her faith in me, something I couldn’t even muster for myself.
“My stepmother told me that I might be making things harder than they really are... Using the same argument you made, that I can’t really know how much life I have left. After all, I could die in five years or fifty. In the end, it’s the same for everyone. And I realized I don’t want to do this anymore, Dimitris. I don’t want to feel like my life should be preserved thinking about others. And I don’t want to stop living out of fear of something so uncertain.”
“I’m glad you understand that.”
“I want to and intend to stop making things harder than they already are. So, tell me, when are you going to decide to do the same?”
“Look at me, Aris. Look at the human wreck I’ve become. You deserve something much better than this.”
“I like the human being you really are, Dimitris. What I don’t like is what you force yourself to be. You once told me you can’t stand cowardly people. Don’t you see that’s exactly what you are?”
“If you see me that way because I’m afraid of making you suffer... even more than I already have... then yes, I accept that label.”
“This isn’t about me, Dimitris. It’s about you. It’s about the fear you have of facing what happened in your past. Of allowing yourself to grieve and stop fighting to hide the losses. No matter what you use to try to numb the pain... the effect will always wear off, and the pain will still be there. Until you allow yourself to face it and feel it. That’s the only way it will become more bearable.”
I stood up, facing her. I felt my vision blur, with tears threatening to surface, but I held them back, not allowing any to escape my eyes.
“I can’t, Aris. All this has already been too difficult, but... being with you... and knowing that inside you, there’s a piece of my brother... That’s more than I can handle.”

“The piece of your brother inside me is what saved my life. But I didn’t kill him for that, Dimitris.”
“I know. Damn it, I know! I just... I can’t handle this, dealing with this.”
In a sudden move, she stood up as well, stopping right in front of me. Looking into her eyes, I saw a determination mixed with an anger I never imagined seeing in Aris.
“Don’t deal with me right now. But deal with yourself.”
She practically jumped at me, shoving her hands into the pockets of my jacket. With one of my arms bandaged, I couldn’t stop her before she pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of pills.
“You need to stop all this crap!” she said emphatically. “No matter how much it hurts you, nothing changes the facts. Your father and brother are dead, but you’re alive. You have your sister. You have your mother, and you need to deal with her too. And you can have me, Dimitris... But only if you want to and if you earn it.”
She turned, tossing the bottle of pills and the cigarettes into a trash can, and walked back to her car, where she got in.
And then she drove away, leaving me there with her words echoing in my mind.