Hard choices

*Tessa (the princess)*
Drawing my cloak more closely around me, I step out onto the terrace. “Lynn, whatever are you doing out here? It‘s freezing."

He doesn’t speak, just continues to stare at the winter gardens. Even in December, Djuna manages to see that they retained some beauty.

I step nearer to him. I was a young girl when I fell in love with Lynn. He brought joy into an otherwise miserable life. “I’ve never liked this estate, but I come here because it‘s important to my son. It’s his inheritance. Djuna has somehow managed to erase the coldness of it.”

“My memories are a bit fonder. It was here that I met you. I had come for a fox hunting weekend with my father. He and your husband were friends."

“That was so long ago."

“I was a fool, Tess. How could I have not seen the resemblance all those years? Zac favors me a great deal."

“You had no reason to look closely. What do you think of… our grandson? He Is remarkable, isn’t he?"

“I can hardly fathom it. It took everything within me not to ask to hold him."

“You should have. No one would have thought anything of it."

He shakes his head. “Will you ever tell him?"

“Zac?"

He nods.

“I don‘t know. I don’t know what good would come of it. And there is your family to think of."

He nods again, and finally his gaze comes to land on me. I remember a time when I had lived for the moments when he would look at me.

“Your young painter is in love with you," Lynn says softly.

“Yes, I know. But it is not a love that will last. He will meet someone younger, prettier, and I will be relegated to pleasant memories."

“I would not be so sure if I were you. When a young man falls in love with you, it is very difficult for him to fall out of love with you."

“It has been many years since you have spoken to me of love."

“I do not do so now, Tessa. I speak to you only of young men, of which I am no longer one."

“Oh, yes, you are so terribly old."

“A grandfather. Christ."

“Do you want Zac to know?"

“I don’t know. I have not yet wrapped my head around all the implications. I have no desire to cause hurt to my family, especially to Angela."

“Then our secret it shall remain."

“Is that fair to you?"

“My dear Lynn, I have long had the strength to weather unfairness. We shall be dining soon. Don’t stay out too long."

I step into the house and come up short at the sight of Leo lounging against the wall. “How long have you been standing there?" I demand.

“Long enough to know he still doesn‘t put you first."

“Don‘t start, Leo."

Reaching out, he takes my hand and tugs me into his embrace. “Let‘s forego dinner. My appetite leans more toward carnal delicacies."

“I shall satisfy that appetite after dinner."

“Then I shall dine quickly."

I laugh as he leads me from the room. I am not certain how I would survive when he does grow bored with me. But surely, he will.

*Zac*
Me and Callie are indeed late to dinner, but as I had anticipated, it hardly matters, it is an extremely informal affair. Several conversations are going on at once, and no one is being particularly quiet or discreet. It is as though they are all caught up in the festivities and thought their voices should compete with the church bells that will be ringing on the morrow.

I become acutely aware of Callie growing anxious as she sits beside me, hardly touching the food on her plate. As for myself, I am downing the wine as though it was the main course, I don’t know why I am feeling tense. I usually enjoy the camaraderie and is as loud as the rest of them. Leaning over, I ask Callie, “Are you all right?"

She nods, but I can see in her eyes that she isn’t. When have I come to read her so well? In the hospital? Is there a part of me that while I don’t remember her, still knows her?

Or is it simply the closeness that has developed over the past few weeks?

I know the nights when bad dreams stirred within her, and I calmed them by holding her near and whispering reassurances in her ear before she ever awakened. I know how much she eats when she is happy, and how little when she is distracted with worries.

I suddenly feel as though I have nothing in common with these people, I didn‘t know the people about whom they speak. Emily will have her first mating Season come summer and she is rattling off the names of the girls who will be joining her on the mating market. I have never heard of any of them. Or if I have, I don’t remember them. When the deuce has the girl grown up?

I have not seen Lynn‘s family since my return, and I have been so distracted watching for Callie’s reaction upon their arrival that I have paid little attention to the other guests. But now I can see that they are all considerably older. Two years, I suppose. What a difference it can make. Once again I am hit with all I have somehow lost.

But then I glance over at Callie and realize all that I have gained. I have known her for such a short while, but I can’t envision my life without her smiles and laughter. Without her conversations.

Still, I am grateful that the meal is fairly brief. The ladies go off to finish preparing the boxes of clothing they will deliver to the poor the day after Christmas. I find myself joining the men in the billiards room for a spot of brandy. I don’t know why I am surprised that Lynn’s sons join us. Two years. The boys are men now.

“I‘m thinking of joining a regiment," Charles suddenly blurts, his gaze falling on me as though he was seeking praise or perhaps confirmation that it is a wise move.

Standing by the fireplace, my arm on the mantel, I don’t glance around the room, but I can feel other eyes come to bear on me, Lynn’s especially. As well as Draco’s. "You might want to wait until this war is over," I finally say quietly.

“The lycan king has stepped in to help negotiate a peace,” Mallard says. “They expect it to all be resolved by spring."

“There will no doubt be another battle to be fought somewhere," Lynn says laconically to his son.

“You‘re not in favor of his joining up?" Draco asks Lynn.

“I think his mother needs him near right now."

Charles sits back with a grumble, and I nearly laugh. It seems he isn’t the only one who takes issue with Lynn’s controlling ways. I swirl the brandy in my shifter, wondering if I will ever again feel as though I belonged with these people. I have a strong urge to find Callie. It seems as though it has been hours since dinner, since I had her at my side, but when I glance at the clock, I see that it has not been even half an hour.

Draco ambles over. “Would you care to join me in a game of billiards?”

“I need to speak with you about the property."

He seems taken aback. "Did you find something amiss?"

“No. Which is my point. You didn’t neglect it."

“I believe I said I hardly have time for it. Only you would complain because it is in working order."

“I want to feel useful, Draco.”

“You are. It takes a weight off my shoulders to know it is in your hands."

I scoff. “It practically manages itself."

“Then spend the time you’re not looking after it with your wife."

Speaking of my wife, the ladies chose this moment to rejoin us. Callie appears more relaxed. No doubt doing something that will help others has appealed to her giving nature. I down my brandy, set the snifter aside, and walk over to my wife, taking her hand, feeling a calmness settle over me as her fingers intertwined with mine.

“You enjoyed your visit with the ladies."

She smiles up at me. "I did. I like Djuna a good deal.”

“She has always managed to charm."

We soon find ourselves in the grand salon, where Charlotte entertains us on the piano. I sit on the arm of a chair, my arm around Callie‘s shoulders. For the occasion she has donned a dark green gown that brings out her best features, her eyes, her hair, the tilt of her nose. Even her freckles seem to have emerged for the holidays, although I suspect she wouldn’t be pleased to hear that. I have a strong urge to remove the pins and the pearl clasp that holds the strands of her hair in place.

Then Charlotte begins to sing Silent Night, and I see the sorrow sweeping over Callie‘s features. I tuck my finger beneath her chin and turn her toward me. Without words, with merely a nod of my head toward the doorway, I indicate we should quit the room. Quietly, she follows me out. I wait until we reach another gallery. The walls are home to paintings by the masters. No family portraits here. I am not certain why, but I prefer this gallery.

“They predict the war will be over come spring," I say quietly.

Her fingers flinch where they rest on my arm. “I indeed hope so.”

“Is it difficult for you to be here?"

She peers up at me. “I simply have little in common with these people."

“I feel the same way which is odd since I can‘t remember what makes me so different."

“I thought returning here might… cause you to remember."

I lead her over to the window. "There is the terrace where I had tea with Djuna. I remember the taste of the tea: Earl Grey. I remember the fragrance of the fall blooms." It is visible because torches line the garden path, as though someone might wish to stroll about in the brisk night air. “She was already married to Morton. She had a… mishap. We thought she was going to die. He thought she wanted me, but she loved him. I remember telling her that I would be leaving the country. But I don’t remember leaving here. I still find it all remarkably strange, that my mind refuses to cooperate. I was quite shocked to see that Lynn‘s brood had aged. His daughter will have a Season come spring. Did you have a mating Season?"

“No, my father is not so well off as that."

“Do you miss him?”

A sadness touches her eyes. She moves in closer to me. “I don‘t think about it. Just as I try not to think about those who are in the war. Do you truly believe there will be peace soon?”

“I hope so."

“As do I.”