Missing her

*Zac*
I feel like an utter and complete idiot. How could I have not seen it? I stare at the man who has ridden me hard my entire life… I shake my head and come out of the chair, “No, no, you always hated my… the late Alpha Dragon, Mother. You just didn’t want me to be his son.”

“He and I ceased having relations once we knew I was carrying our first child. Since I delivered Morton, his heir, we never recommenced. He was satisfied with his lover and I… I took one of my own.”

Suddenly chilled, I move nearer to the fire and stand with my forearm pressed to the mantel, “Why not tell me?”

“Several reasons. I was married to Dragon when you were born, so on paper, he is your father. I saw nothing to gain for you except to make you feel an outcast. The only thing you and Morgan seemed to have in common is sharing a father. Then, of course, there is Lynn’s family. I thought it would be very hard on them if they knew that he had fathered you.”

“That he was unfaithful…”

My mother shakes her head, “No! He was not married during the time we were lovers. Once he married his wife, everything was over between us.”

I glare at the man who stands stoically behind my mother. "Did you know?”

“Not for some years. Eventually I… began to wonder. Then when we thought you were dead, your mother told me.” Lynn says.

She is the next recipient of my hard look. “And you didn’t think he needed to know?”

“What was to be gained? He had a family.” My mother says.

I want to lash out at her, lash out at Lynnford, lash out at the world. At myself. I do not want to ponder the consequences of this news. “What has all this to do with Calliope?”

“She told you she was Zane’s mother because she loved him. I did not tell Lynn you were his son because I knew it would bring him pain and place him in a difficult position. To claim you would hurt his mate. And knowing he was your father wouldn’t change your lot in life at all.”

“You should have told me. I had a right to know.” I growl.

She nods “Yes, I quite agree. But my point, Zac, is that we will do anything to protect those we love. Anything.”


*****

I stand at the window in my bedchamber, drinking brandy and gazing out at the distant fog-shrouded torches that line the drive. I can’t quite bring myself to climb into bed yet. The bed I had shared with Calliope.

I have barely slept while at my brother’s residence. Here, at my own residence, it would be near impossible. There are other beds. I could seek out one of them. But I’m determined to be rid of her in my mind, and that requires conquering every aspect that reminds me of her.

And there is a damned devil of a lot that reminds me of her.

It doesn’t help matters that once my mother and Lynn… my deuced father… have left, I want desperately to talk with Calliope. To sit with her on a sofa, to have her caress my hair with her slender fingers. To have her hold my gaze and reassure me that nothing has changed with this sudden news.

But matters have changed. I have five half-siblings, for Christ's sake. I have always enjoyed their company, but I will be looking at them differently now. I know what they don’t. With Lady Lynn’s failing health, my mother has asked me to hold the secret close. I certainly have no plans to shout it to the world. I’m not quite certain how I feel about Lynn being my father.

A part of me feels a sort of betrayal because I didn’t know. But truly, what difference would it have made? Lynn has served as my guardian, has been there for so many occasions. He taught me to hunt pheasant, to fish, to ride.

He had been my mother’s lover. She’s given me leave to tell Morton and Barkley, but I’m not quite ready for that. What good would come of them knowing?

I continually circle back to that. Not all truths need to be known by everyone. Some don’t need to be known at all.

Zane’s crying intrudes on my thoughts. The boy is angry about something, wailing so loudly that I wonder if I’ll get any sleep at all tonight. Setting my drink aside, I wander from my bedchamber to the nursery. Jeanette is pacing, bouncing Zane. The boy’s face is a mottled red.

Jeanette turns, her disconcertedness obvious. "I’m sorry, sir. He won’t stop crying. I know he’s not hungry. It’s only been an hour since I fed him. He’s not wet. I don’t know why he’s carrying on so. Shall I send for a physician?”

Zane is wailing as though his heart is breaking.

“No,” I say quietly. “Let me give it a go."

Jeanette can’t hide her startlement at my offer. “Are you sure, sir?" she asks as I take the bawling babe from her.

I hoped for immediate silence. Instead, I get a rise in crescendo. My son is furious. “You’re not happy with me at the moment, are you, lad? I’m not quite happy with myself, either."

Jostling Zane slightly, I study Jeanette for a moment. “Did you know the truth about the boy’s mother?" I finally ask.

“Yes, sir. I know that Lady Dragon is his mother."

I give her a wry twist of my lips. “In Paris, did you know about Fancy?"

Jeanette shakes her head. “No. Lady Dragon sought me out after the lady had left. When I met her, it was only her and Zane, and the babe was so hungry. She had tried dribbling milk into his mouth, but he would have none of it. I don’t think she had slept in two days. She told m” she gazes down at the floor, “that her… milk had dried up.” She lifts her eyes to me. “I did not know she had not given birth to Zane until she told me a few nights ago."

I nod. “Thank you for that."

I turn.

“Sir?"

I glance back, waiting while Jeanette wrings her hands. “I know it is not my place… but the boy is hers. It does not matter from which womb he came."

I do little more than nod as I leave the room. I wonder if Calliope inspired such devotion and loyalty in the war.

I carry Zane to my bedchamber and lay him on the bed. I tuck a pillow beside him, and lavender wafts up. Zane pauses mid-yell, his eyes wide and blinking.

“That’s what you were missing, isn’t it? That’s the reason I haven’t gone to bed yet. Because she’s still here.”

I nudge my finger against the boy’s hand, and it fists around my finger. I caress Zane’s soft hair with my other hand. “You don’t give a damn that she didn’t give birth to you, do you?”

Zane’s eyes close, then pop open.

“Did she steal you? That’s the question. Did she always plan to use you? Why wasn’t she honest with me from the beginning?”

I know I’ll get no answers from Zane. The infant has drifted off to sleep.

I press my lips to the boy’s head. “I miss her, too, lad,” I whisper. “I miss her, too.”