Seeing her boy again

Unfortunately, we are unable to visit at your residence. However: I thought it would interest you to know that Zane’s nursemaid will be taking him through Hyde Park at 2:00.

*Calliope*
“My son has lost all shred of decency,” the princess says as she strolls into the gallery where I am having my portrait painted by Leo.

I had told Leo countless times that I am not in the mood to pose, but he insists.

“What else do you have to do with your time?” he asks.

But time isn’t the issue. I have far too much of it to fill with regrets and longing for what might have been. I tell him honestly, “It will be a portrait of a woman whose heart is breaking.”

He doesn’t seem to care, and quite honestly, neither do I any longer. So here I sit, gazing out on the dreary day while he stands behind his easel. I have written three letters to Zac trying to explain everything, but words on paper seem so inadequate, and I have torn each one up before I had completely finished it. Zac has told me that he loves me, so what does it matter if it appears I’ve tricked him into marriage? At the base of it all is my love for him and for Zane. But as I’ve feared, the foundation is not enough to weather the secret when it is uncovered.

Why hadn’t I simply told him the truth when Fancy had shown up in our lives? By allowing my fears to rule my good sense, I have lost exactly what I feared I would: Zane and Zac.

I am so accustomed to snuggling against Zac through the night that I have hardly slept since leaving Roseglenn.

I had slept in his arms in Scutari, after I had been brutalized, when my mind, body, and spirit had been shattered. I never thought I would want a man to touch me again, but he is different. One of London’s most notorious gentlemen had made no untoward advances. He had provided me with a safe harbor from the storm. Now I feel as though he has tossed me back onto the choppy seas, but he has somehow managed to give me the knowledge to stay afloat.

I will not succumb to the loneliness or my fears. I will survive this banishment. I will emerge from it stronger, until nothing can ever hurt me again.

“I asked him to send Zane ’round for a visit with his grandmother,” the Princess continues, and I perk up, straighten, my vows quickly forgotten at the thought of seeing Zane, “and he refused my request.”

I slump back down and gaze outside. The past three days have been interminable. I need to find a purpose in my life. Perhaps I will contact Miss Swallow. Surely, she can recommend me to a hospital in London. If I am near, there is always a chance that I might see Zane.

“However,” the Princess continues mysteriously, “the boy will be in Hyde Park at two with his nursemaid.”

I sit up again, hope once more beating wildly in my chest. “Only his nursemaid?”

“Apparently.” She says.

“Will you excuse me, Leo? I must prepare to go to the park.” I tell him.

I don’t wait for his permission because it doesn’t matter what he says. Nothing is going to prevent me from getting to the park to see Zane.

*****

I sit on a bench alone. I have arrived an hour early just in case the time in the letter has been a mistake or circumstances change and require an earlier arrival at the park. I don’t want to walk about because I fear that Jeanette and I will be like two ships passing in the night. Better to sit in one place and simply wait.

But dear Goddess, the moments tick by so slowly that I think I might go insane. I also have to admit that as much as I long to see Zane, I also wish I could catch a glimpse of Zac. I wonder how he fares. I know I should care nothing at all about him, but the heart is fickle and forgiving. It makes excuses for his no longer trusting me, no longer wanting me. I have deceived him, and while it has all been with the best of intentions, it has led me down a wayward road.

I think about writing my father, but I am fairly certain that he would be convinced that my true actions are as egregious as my implied behavior has been. While I could claim that I have never lied, neither have I been completely honest.

No one stops to speak with me, for which I am immensely grateful. I don’t wish to be distracted from my purpose. I quickly scan every person walking by, searching, searching, searching.

And then I spot Jeanette and the black perambulator. Joy surges through me with such intensity that it brings me to my feet. Waving frantically to catch the nursemaid’s attention, I hurry forward, dodging around elegant couples. When I finally reach Jeanette, I give her a warm hug.

“Whatever are you doing here?" Jeanette asks, clearly dumbfounded. “I wasn’t able to get a message to you.”

“Sir Zac sent word to his mother that you would be in the park with Zane.” Reaching into the basket, I lift out my son, hug him tightly, hold him up to inspect him, then hold him close once more. With him nestled against my shoulder, I sway back and forth, inhaling his sweet fragrance. “Oh, my dear, dear sweet boy. Mummy has missed you so terribly much."

“He misses you as well," Jeanette reassures me. “Sleeps with his father or not at all."

“Truly?" I ask. "Sir Zac allows him to sleep in his bed?”

I can’t imagine that the man who has paid so little attention to Zane in the beginning is now providing a haven for him in his bedchamber. Is it because of his feelings toward the boy’s real mother?

“He does. And it is the strangest thing. He’ll not let anyone wash the bed linens." She says.

“Why ever not?" I ask.

She shrugs, “He doesn’t confide in the servants, of course, but I think it is because he’s not yet ready to lose your fragrance."

Is he missing me then? If so, then why not come to visit with me?

“Is he well? Sir Zac?" I ask.

Jeanette glances around guardedly as though she fears someone might overhear her. “He’s turned into something of an ogre. The only time he isn’t grumbling is when he’s with Zane."

“He should not be taking his anger at me out on others." I say.

“He doesn’t. It’s just that it’s abundantly clear that he isn’t content." She looks sad.

I feel the now-familiar prickle of guilt. If only I had trusted him. “I did him a disservice."

“You defend his sending you away?" She asks.

“I understand his anger. He thought he had given me Zane.” I touch the curls on my son’s head. “And what of... the other? Is she living there now?"

She shakes her head, “No. She arrived for dinner last night. Sir Zac brought her to the nursery, but she merely eyed Zane as though he were an odd creature she had never seen before. She didn’t hold him. She looked terrified of him, if you want to know the truth."

“How can anyone be frightened of my boy?" I ask, kissing his head. “Jeanette, how long do you have in the park?"

“Only an hour.” She sighs.

Smiling with joy, I say, “It is an hour more than I ever thought to have again. Come along, I brought a blanket. It’s over by the bench. We shall simply sit and visit for a while. I want to know everything Zane’s done since I last saw him."

And if I can find the strength, I will not inquire further about his father, although the Goddess help me, I am desperate for news of him.