Chapter Seventeen

“D'ziko! Stop, what are you doing?” I shout.
He stops, turns to look at me, shakes his head and continues out the door.
For a moment, the room swims around me. I’m left still leaning against the wall with short pyjamas and a light robe.
I can’t let him leave! I run to the door, but he’s gone.
“You’re running after him?” I don't understand the disbelief in Toto's face. He even looks upset. He starts shaking and slams his fist into the wall. His knuckles come back blooded. He looks like he wants to hit someone, that he wants to hit D'ziko. The rage shimmers inside me, threatening to consume me. I wouldn't let anyone hurt him. Is this where this is headed? A fight? Would I fight friends, family for a guy I barely knew?
The realisation that yes, yes I would fight for him momentarily cures my anger. It takes me by surprise. And guilt overwhelms me.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
“I’m fine,” he says dismissively and tears down the hallway.
I’m just……devastated I think. The pain of watching D'ziko leave my house hurt is immense. I'm surprised I'm not doubling over in it.
I throw myself on the sofa in the lounge.
I can’t, however, get him out of my mind.
And what did he mean he’s here and he wants me?
Why would he want me? Of all girls why would he want me?
I bury my face in my hands.
“Why are you crying?” it's Toto
I didn’t see him come in again.
I don’t answer him.
“I’m leaving, I’m already late. I still have to go past my house to change clothes,” he says.
My mind is not here.
“Don’t worry about that guy, it’s these rich types, they think they’re entitled to everything including women,” he says and leaves.
I am gritting my teeth against the urge that has me yearning to be around D'ziko, to hear his voice, to see his smile and know that it's there because of me.
It's a compulsion. An obsession.
My life now -- somehow -- is even more boring than it was before I met him. D'ziko I realize made everything beautiful, colourful and now it seems life has draining from the people around me, from the trees, the room. Nothing feels right. Nothing is okay.
It feels so... So wrong being away from him.
When I do see him from afar, I can't help my curiosity. I'm naturally drawn to him, like the rest of these teenagers. When he picks at his food at lunch, I often wonder what he's thinking now. When I catch him looking at me and he averts his eyes then shakes his head, the same wonder shocks my core. When he stares into the distance and smiles, I keep wondering if his thinking of me, of the fun times we had. I think this because Everytime I think of him, I can't help the grin that splits my lips. D'ziko is a great guy.
What did I just do? What will Noddon Academy think? I'll be the focus of every gossip column, of finger pointing, whispered rumours. I will be the laughing stock of the entire school. The sword is not much, not with D'ziko gone. Not now that I've pushed him away. I don't care if they find out I'm a fraud. I don't care if Noddon finds the deceit stuffed in my pockets. D'ziko, oh, D'ziko. I have to talk to him. I don't know what D'ziko is thinking, or what he's going to do, but I'm certain it won't be good. In fact, I'm pretty sure it'll be catastrophic. I have to find him.
"OMG, D'ziko Gabada," Zoe screams into my face, the second I sit around the table at lunch.
I perk up and spin behind me. "He's here?"
She chuckles and points me toward him. He's walking to his usual table where he sits and picks at his food. I can't help but notice that something is missing, he should be smiling. I like him better when he's smiling. Right now he looks like he's just learned that someone died.
Kaseke slaps my arm. "Stop staring."
I fold my arms over my chest. "I wasn't."
He scowls me. "Stop it. I'm serious."
"Dear Leza!" Zoe swings around to look at D'ziko then at me. "I still can't believe you guys went on a date."
"Neither can I."
It's true. I can't believe I stood him up. It's not just some random boy. But D'ziko.
"Yesterday, you guys, we're, like, totally cute together," she screeches. "Like you're a match made in the Heavens."
"You think so?" I ask, a bit shrilly.
I look at him, he's frowning. Then he shakes his head. What could he be thinking of. It's the same look he wore when I asked him if he wasn't interested to know if I had a boyfriend. I made a total fool of myself yesterday. I still don't get why he came back, why he keeps coming back even after I tried to kill him with his own knife.
"Oh Leza, you're blushing." She screams again. "I mean, like, I honestly thought you were lesbian or something. But look at you, bagging the hottest guy in school."
A sound that's a mixture of nerves and excitement slips from my lips.
Zoe and Zikho look at each other. Roll their eyes, hard. Say "Awwwww" then giggle.
Suddenly, I get the feeling someone's looking at me, and I catch D'ziko staring at me - but he quickly looks away. His eyes are empty. It's as though the D'ziko that claimed to like me never existed at all. I don't recognize him one bit.
I shrug it off at first until the bell rings and we're all rushing off to class. He remains behind and waits for the wave of teenagers to leave before making his way to Self-Defense.
I also lack behind, hoping to get a chance to talk to him. I don't even know what I'll say. If I should say something at all. The flat, empty feeling inside me has to be a side effect of guilt. He was just so excited the last time he spoke to me and he's now found me in the kitchen with a half naked muscled guy. I have no doubt D'ziko thinks Toto is my boyfriend.
Once the cafeteria has emptied I stand up and hit my hip on the side of the table.
"Ouch," I howl, rubbing the lump on my hip.
I pause at the table before he can spot me, suddenly unsure whether I should continue.
For a moment, I pretend to be pre-occupied with the zipper of my backpack while I listen to my heartbeat until it subsided into a slow, steady rhythm.
Then take a huge breath, count to three and shoulder my backpack and jog to his table. There's only one goal in mind: get him to ask me on a date again.
He's flipping fons into the air.
I skid to a stop right next to him and accidentally knock him on the head with my backpack. He doesn't look up.
"Hey," I say quietly.
D'ziko nods once. He still doesn't look up, nor stop flipping the fons. And he doesn't invite me to sit down.
I decide to take it as a good sign that he hadn't asked me to leave yet.
"Can I sit?"
He doesn't say anything.
I take a huge breath and slide into the chair opposite him.
"D'ziko, look, I know--"
Now his head snaps up. "What do you want, Steel?"
The anger and disappointment in his eyes makes me look away, fast. His eyes are full of questions there's also a strange intensity behind them combined with anger. He's never looked at me like that before. I don't ever want him to look at me like that ever again.
He's hands are shaking. Instinctively, I reach out for them. Before I can make sense of the situation, D'ziko rips his hands away from me and walks out. He moves so fast I'm sure the only thing he wants is to put as much distance between us as possible.
I'm completely paralyzed. The instant of rejection drops my heart to my stomach. I gulp in breaths of air and try to stop the tears but I can't. Everything feels surreal. It's as if I've been glued together and now I'm being pulled at from all angles. My legs feels hollow, and I have to brace myself on the table.
With all the stress of juggling school, D'ziko ignoring me, and the feeling that someone is following me, the month that follows the incident drags.
To my immense horror, I am the focus of attention all day, everyday no matter what anyone else does. The rumors only escalate when they notice the obvious discomfort between D'ziko and I. Staying away from him is causing me immense emotional pain. Everyday keeps getting harder. This makes little sense to me as I keep waiting for it to get easier. I keep praying to get over him.