116. Two Broken Souls

“I-I never knew you liked me.” *Or I would have taken all the blame on me!*

Uncontrollable tears pour down my eyes as I realize, we are just two broken souls, *one broken than another.*

“You have no idea how much guilt I have been drowning in these past years for what I did to you. And I know you are never going to forgive me.” I hardly breathe against the backdrop of my bleeding heart. 

“You will always look at me as the girl who destroyed your life, who got you into jail, and got a fucking criminal record against you. And I know no amount of my sorries is going to change that.”

His jaw clenches as he looks away from my teary face, as if he can’t bear to look at me.

*Hell, I can’t even look at myself right now!*

“I have already been in trauma for three fucking years because of that one night. The guy I was in love with fucked me and left me without a single word.” Each word feels like a dagger in my chest.

“And now, I let another guy fuck me for 7 nights straight.” 

Green eyes draw back at me, silent and dark. Tears won’t stop pooling down my cheeks as fresh memories of abuse rolls all over again.

“If my tears and these seven nights were not enough for you, then go ahead, break my bones and take your revenge.” I snap, bursting with emotions, unable to contain them anymore. 

“I won’t even *fucking* scream or tell anyone, because I am sooo done.. so fucking done of being treated like a whore.” I scream in agony, as the pain literally splits my soul apart.

“It’s better you break every single one of my ribs, so we can get fucking even.” I say, looking him in the eye.

I would rather endure the physical pain than continue to suffer this emotional torment which makes me want to stab myself for degrading myself to a level where I can’t even bear to look at myself in the eye and breathe. 

“Sue me. Send me to jail. Do whatever you want. I am done being a fuck toy for you.” I declare defeatedly, with my tears streaming down and my heart shattering into a million irreparable pieces.

“I am done.” I whisper with a crushed spirit. 

The crunch of glass echoes in the hall as I walk away like a vanquished princess, who has lost everything.. Her crown, her kingdom, and her soul.

*I am done..*

With every step I climb, I feel a part of me ripping out and falling apart from me. 

Holding on to my breath, I rush to my room, not stopping until I lock myself in the bathroom. I instantly grab wet tissues and wipe the residue of his revenge, which is now dried up on my thighs.

*I feel filthy.*

More tears fall as I vigorously scrub my skin, putting fingers in me and desperately cleaning myself, to erase any trace of him from my body, and hoping I won’t get pregnant. 

*God, please no!*

My gaze meets the reflection of a girl in the mirror, and my body goes still as I confront the image of absolute destruction.

Tangled hair of a mess, smudged bitten lips with tears mix mascara colouring her cheeks in a cruel painting. 

She was *so* happy in the evening.

And he was *so* happy too. 

She looked *so* good, and he made her feel *so* good too.

But then, like a tornado, everything is destroyed. 

*Why?*

Why he had to shower me with so much affection and care, only to shove me down and kick me later?

WHY?

I thought he liked me.. 

I thought he liked me too.. 

But in reality, they never really cared about me.

It was all in my head. 

My stupid head.

I *fucking* hate myself for feeling so much, so deeply while they never felt a thing for me. *Not even pity!*

I don’t even know what love feels like. I have never been on a date. Never held hands romantically with a guy. *Hell!* I never even had a boyfriend in my entire life!

All I know is this pathetic feeling of being used, thrown and this constant ache of heart break.

My eyes, my heart, my stomach, everything within me hurts and I collapse on the floor of the bathroom, holding my beating chest.

*I can’t.. I can’t bear this..*

Everything is torturing me to the point where I want to cease existing just to make it stop.

The darkness once I had escaped from, comes clutching me back from all sides, reminding me how cheap I am to let myself to be used and abused repeatedly.

I squeeze my eyes shut and beg my heart to shut down any emotion I am feeling.

I want to be dead from inside. 

With no feelings.

After crying and lying on the bathroom floor for an hour, I finally pick myself up with the last shreds of respect left in me. 

Once again, my gaze meets with the girl in the mirror. *A slut!*

Disgusted by my own reflection, I turn away, and let my feet take me to the bed, where I lie down like a lifeless doll. 

A lifeless *fucked* up doll.

I hug the sloth soft toy, remembering our last 48 hours which were unbelievably so good. *Best we ever had.*

Tears trickle from the corner of my eyes as I silently stare at the watch on my wrist, changing its time, and finally the date.

But nothing changes within my heart. The pain is still there, the memories and scars, they all are very alive and deep. 

**Click**

Suddenly, the soft click of the door opening echoes through the room and a shadowy figure enters.

Dakota walks in silently and closes the door behind him with another gentle click.

I shut my eyes, unable to look at him and not feel the wounds reopening on my flesh. His light footsteps resonate in the room as he slowly walks towards the bed, me. 

My heart races in panic as I feel the mattress dip behind me under his weight.