90. Extreme Mood Swings

Suddenly, my phone vibrates, and I see it’s Dakota’s number.
My heart clenches painfully and slowly, tears blur my vision as I watch his name blinking on the screen for a long minute, until it fades to black.
With a deep blade into my heart, I block his number, not wanting to see his name ever pop up on my screen again.
I liked him so much and now, I *fucking* hate him so much.
I even *fucking* hate this city, all because of him.
I was so stupid to think he will change, and fall for me, just like I fell for him.
*But everything is fake.*
Those Disney movies, romantic novels, and all those love stories are spitting lies.
There is no such thing as love in this world. There is no prince charming, only selfish people waiting to use others for sex and pleasure.
*Just like he used me.*
*Again and again..*
My heart is racing painfully fast and tears won’t stop pooling down as fresh memories of abuse flood my mind.
I shut my eyes, let it all out.
The pain in unbearable. I press a hand on my mouth and sob uncontrollably.
*Pathetic. Whore. Filthy girl..*
My mind whispers those words, pushing me to the edge of darkness again. A place I barely escaped last time, once threatening to consume me once again.
Feeling breathless, I wipe my tears, and call that one person I badly need to talk to. The ring goes on, and the knot in my stomach tightens.
*It’s been three years.. Since I talked to-*
“Hello!” A soft voice comes through my phone, and the tightness begins to ease.
“Ana.. I-I miss-ed you.” I whimper, holding on to my phone like the last thread to light.
“Emara? Are you okay?” Concern colours her tone, and I shake my head, as if she can see me.
“You were right, Ana.. I am such an easy girl.” I sob breathlessly. “I am so desperate for love, that I would fall for the first guy who gives me a little attention.”
“Emara, I didn’t mean that..” Ana whispers dejectedly, but I interrupt.
“No. You were right. I have no self-respect for myself, no sense of judgement, and I am so dumb to look for love even in the places that only blink of lust.”
I squeeze my eyes tightly, as faces of Ryan and Dakota flashes in my mind while they used my innocent body, discarding my feelings.
“I am so *fucking* stupid to fall blindly just because they wanted me, despite knowing what exactly they wanted from me.”
“Emara.. You are not stupid, idiot.” Ana whispers through the phone.
“You are just a good person, and you believe everyone else out there is good too. But sadly, that’s not how the world works.”
I cry harder, listening to her soft consoling voice.
She was the only one who truly understood me, who was genuinely nice to me, and I messed up our friendship.
“I am sorry, Ana.. for everything, and I miss you so much. So fucking much.” I choke out on my tears as I beg her for forgiveness.
It hurts to even speak, but somewhere deep down, it feels liberating to finally say those words out loud and accept my fault.
“It’s okay.. We all make mistakes, but I am glad you called.” I hear her smiling through the phone, and the tightness in my chest lightens.
“I am glad you picked up.” I reply, sniffing and wiping away my tears.
“I didn’t expect you to call this early and be in tears. What happened?” Ana questions me skeptically.
Being a psychology student, she has always been observant, quick to pick up weird patterns in my behaviour.
“Ana.. I need your help.” I gulp, feeling the lump in my throat as I say, “I-I want to ask you for a pill.”
“What kind of pill?” Her tone shifts to seriousness.
I close my eyes, feeling ashamed to even spell it. But I badly need it as I don’t want to get pregnant.
“Can I come to meet you?” I ask her in return.
. . .
“YOU WHAT?” Ana screams, after I tell her how I spent my Seven Nights with Mr. Black.
“Why on the earth did you agree to his sadistic terms?” She strides in her room angrily, not believing me.
“Because I didn’t think he would actually do something like that.” My voice barely audible, filled with shame and regret.
“Girl! you should have run the moment he licked your tears and told you to strip.” Ana yells at me and I sit there on her bed, taking her scoldings.
“Yeah, but he was so nice to me back then, and I thought he was just mad at me at the moment, and maybe we could resolve our issues.. I didn’t realize he was that serious and unstable-” I stop myself, before revealing his psychotic disorder.
It’s something Dakota trusted me with and I won’t act like a bitch by gossiping about it.
“Emara!” Ana sits beside me with a serious look in her eyes.
“Men are plain like grass. If he said he just wants sex, trust me, nothing in the world can change his mind for a loving relationship. Not even Angelina Jolie or Megan Fox.”
I feel the grip of her fingers on mine as she tells me, “It was stupid of you to stay with him thinking that maybe he will change tomorrow, or the next day. Nope. No girl can change a man! Get this in your mind!”
Her voice bluntly cut through the air like a sword, slicing through all my romantic fantasies.
“Only he can change himself. So, stop being like those silly I-can-fix-him girls, and waste your time on such narcissistic men. Be a woman and choose your respect over any dick.”
“You are right, Ana.” I sob while telling her, “I tried to help him, understand what he was going through, but in the end-”
“Emara.. If a guy likes you, he will do anything for you.” She interrupts me and speaks gravely.