99. Hugging a Nightmare
Dakota leans in towards me, closing the space between us, almost sheepishly as he surrenders himself to my embrace.
My breast presses against his warm chest, and I am struck by the sheer size of this wild man, how big and muscular he is as he wraps his Herculean arms around me, engulfing me in his darkness.
I gasp, feeling like I am getting hugged by a daydream, which can anytime turn into a vicious nightmare.
But the way Dakota let down his guard, and told me everything, showed me his vulnerability.. He suddenly seems so much smaller, like a lost puppy seeking shelter in my arms, asking for help, or at the very least, empathy.
“It’s okay..” I whisper, feeling how violently his heart is crashing against my chest, like it will explode any second. *He is not okay!*
As I gently caress my fingers along his back, I feel the tension in his stiff muscles slowly melting away under my touch.
“You didn’t deserve this, in fact, nobody should deserve this.” I tell him, my voice gentle as I try to offer emotional support, something he desperately needs.
I couldn’t help but feel deep sympathy for him. Having felt the sting of loneliness myself in just a week here, away from my family, I can only imagine his lifelong struggle of being alone, devoid of family love and support, handling himself at his worst.
In two days, I will return to my family, my safe zone, but Dakota, he has no one to return to. He doesn’t even have a concept of what a family feels like. He has been all alone, battling with his demons by caging himself in this haunted room like a mental patient.
“I am sorry you have to go through this everyday of your life, all alone.” My heart aches with empathy for him, while I gently rub his back.
In response, Dakota clings to me even more tightly, gripping me so firmly as if I am his lifeline in the turbulent dark storm he is trapped in.
I can sense every beat of his heart thudding against me, his hot breath fanning my skin and his panic surging through me. He is on the verge of a breakdown and I hold him close, trying to shield him from falling apart.
“Everything is going to be alright.” I tell him, feeling his heart calming down, yet his grip doesn’t loosen as if he is scared to let me go and face the darkness alone.
“It’s okay..” I let my hand gently stroke his broad back and whisper into his ears. “We all are a little damaged from inside.”
The hug feels more like a plea for empathy, a silent request to understand the complexities of his mind.
Since a young age, he was discarded by his parents, and among the darkness, he found a friend, who turned out to be a monster for him.
“You are trying everything to be better, and there is nothing to feel ashamed about. You will be alright.” I ensure him.
I sense a shift in him, a slight ease in his demeanor as his hold and breathing soften, while my hands gently glide along his spine, assuring him the support he craves.
While I provide him a haven of comfort, there is an unexpected warmth in his embrace, that makes me feel so protective.
I have always looked at him as a cold, intimidating man, but in real, he seems like a gigantic baby, which is surprisingly warm and fluffy from inside.
“And you are not weak. You are stronger than you think. I know you can conquer your fears.” I tell him, hoping to reach to his closed walls, that he had built around him for years.
“Can you hear me? Dakota! Dakota?” My voice barely above a murmur as I tilt my head and look at his relaxing face in the crook of my neck.
*Wait.. He slept???*
I watch him shockingly while he nests his head partly on the pillow and partly against my shoulder as he sleeps peacefully.
*Didn’t he mention he had insomnia?*
But watching his sleepy face as he snoozes out in my arms like a baby, makes me feel.. *Content? Really?*
I draw a finger on his forehead, gently smoothing out his stress lines that adorns his face with a burden of tension.
*‘Emara. You are not touching me. Today or ever.’*
His adamant words replay in my head, yet I can’t help but smile as I lightly graze his neatly shaven jaw. It’s cute to see how the vicious grizzly bear turned into a cuddling teddy bear in his sleep.
I sigh feeling tired and sleepy.
Though the room is at a freezing temperature, his body warms me up, and his arms cradle me warmly, making me feel like the most safest adobe among the chaos.
Gradually, I let my eyes drift shut, feeling our heartbeats syncing together and I fall deep into the slumber, joining him.
I let him protect me in his world, and I let myself comfort him in his darkness.
Something we both need.
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